what about me?

remember when you were growing up and everyone was always talking about how you didn't know who you were yet and you had a lot to learn and figure out about yourself? I always thought they were full of crap! I never understood how someone could not know themself. I mean, we are the only ones in our own heads 24/7, right? well, yeah, but I now know what they were talking about. at 26 I feel like I have a good handle on who I am, what I want, what I am going to do, how I react to things, etc. but, I still surprise myself sometimes. I still get those light bulb "aha" moments when I learn new something new about myself. ...this weekend I disappeared to St. George. I spend a lot of time with my family, it always feels good to be around the people that love you the most no matter what. I did my little sister's hair for prom, as well as two of her friends. I got the windows in my car tinted. went to a movie... I also spent a lot of time alone reflecting and trying to figure out how to handle a situation that developed the night before I took off. I know that one of the things about me is that I am a self-sacrificer and those close to me always come before myself. I also know that in the battlefield of love I am usually quick to surrender without too much of a fight. that is probably my problem. so, not anymore! I am going to come first this time. I am goign to fight for what I want, what I deserve. and I am not going to give up until the fat lady sings... :) anyway, in the meantime, I have been answering those questionaires that get sent around through email and myspace, just to prove that I know myself and that I am a pretty awesome person! so, here are some of those questions just for you:

What is your favorite thing to wear? - My PJs
Last thing you ate? - a bottle of water... and a couple bites of a banana
I say Shotgun, you say? - Bang! Whats up with that thang? I wanna know... (you better know that song!)
Last person you hugged? - Rob, last night
How many U.S states have you been to? - Around 28 or so.
How many of the U.S states have you lived in? - 4: Utah, Virginia, Iowa, and Ohio
Does anyone you know want to date you? - yeah... too bad I'm not into him. that would be convenient
Who/What made you angry today? - when I thought about what happened three days ago (we won't go into details)
Favorite type of Food? - Thai and Japanese, sushi
Favorite holidays - I'm not really into holidays anymore. unless I get paid days off from work for them.
Do you download music? - yes, I'm kind of obsessed with iTunes
Do you care if your socks are dirty? - yes! as everyone should. sick...
Do you love anyone? - yes. a little too much as it turns out...
Do you like George Bush? - no. hell no.
Have you ever bungee jumped? - Nope and I never will.
Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? - yes, a few times. it can be flattering, bt it can also be creepy and scary.
How much money do you have in your pocket? - I don't have pockets right now, but I never keep money in my pockets anyway, that is what a wallet is for.
What are you listening to right now? - my iTunes is on shuffle. right now its the Dixie Chicks... oh, wait, now its Jimmy Buffet
What is your current fav song? - Easy Silence by The Dixie Chicks and Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
What was the last movie you watched? - I watched two last night to keep my mind occupied. Reign Over Me and Blood Diamond. both good.
Do you wear contacts? - Yes and will for a couple more years until I can pay for lasik
What are you afraid of? - getting hurt, being alone for the rest of my life. heights.
How many piercings have you had? - 7. all in my years. I'm down to two now...
How many pets do you have? - None. not a fan of animals. ...don't judge me!
What's one thing you've learned? - I'm learning a huge lesson right now, I Just haven't quite figured out what it is going to be yet. but I could write a book about everything I have learned.
What do you usually order from Starbucks? - chai latte. sometimes with sugarfree almond flavoring. YUMMY
Have you ever fired a gun? -yes. I'm a hick. haha
Are you missing someone? - yes. a few people actually. but one person in particular. very very much
Fav. TV show? - Gray's Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters, What About Brian, Desperate Housewives, Scrubs, The Office... I watch way too much TV
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? - growing up I was constantly told I looked like Sandra Bullock, its even in my year book a few times. I don't think so anymore though
Favorite movie of all time?: - wow, I don't have one of all time. but, I do watch Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Planner and Spanglish way too much. oh, and I LOVE The Count of Monte Cristo
Do you find yourself loved? - not really. mostly just by my family. that is what is killing me right now. pretty sad, right?
Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? - all. I love popcorn in almost any way
What Magazines are you reading? - Martha Stewart Living and Martha Stewart Weddings. shouldn't it ask about books? come on! I am reading The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
Have you ever ridden in a limo?: - no, I actually haven't... never thought about that.
What's something that really bugs you? - when I am lied to. and when I don't know the answer to something and can't find it. fake people, selfish people. when someone acts like they know something that they really know nothing about.
Do you like Michael Jackson? - love his music. used to love him when I was growing up. sometimes I just think he is a sad misunderstood guy.
What's your favorite smell? - rain in the desert. freshly baked bread. Rob...
Favorite baseball team? - DC Nationals! heck yes! although I can't say I actually follow it
Favorite cereal? - Cracklin Oat Bran
What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? - 36 hours. Election Day 2004 for work. yeah, it was the craziest work day ever!
Last time you went bowling? - about a year ago for a company party
Where is the weirdest place you have slept? - the hall floor of my high school I think...
Who was your last phone call? - the secretary at my dentist's office to confirm my appointment... sad! but the peson before that was my mom.
Last time you were at work? - right now! haha! I'm a slacker
I WANT: Companionship, love and less drama
I ALWAYS: expect too much
I AM NOT: perfect...
I DANCE: salsa on cruise ships! but usually when nobody can see me.
I SING: In the shower, in the car, or whenever the music is loud.
I CRY: way too much! it always makes me feel better though
I AM NOT ALWAYS: polite
I WIN: when I play Dr. Mario or Tetris against anyone else!
I SHOULD: seriously stick to a diet!
First Best Friend: Pamela Johnson
First Crush: Patrick
First Real Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Patrick... or Adam Robison, I can't remember...
First Date: I really can't remember. I started way too young... I think it was when I went to Huntington with Adam to meet his family when I was 15.
First Kiss: Patrick
First Album/CD: Wilson Phillips and The Lost Boys soundtrack! yeah baby!
First Piercing/Tattoo: My mom pierced my ears when I was like 2. and I will never have a tattoo!
First True Love: Dustin Anderson
First Enemy: April Blackburn! she was a real bitch! nobody since then though. just her.
First Time Dying My Hair: Black in 7th grade...
First Formal Dance: My Junior Prom, with Billy Jeffrey who died in an accident 3 years later...
First Time Breaking A Bone: I've never broken a bone! knock on wood!
First Time Getting Really Sick: I don't remember... I never got that sick growing up and its a good thing because we didn't have health insurance.
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Shit, its one of my favorite words
Last Compliment: last night he told me I was beautiful and that he missed me.
Last/Current boy/girlfriend: Its all about Rob right now
Last Kiss: Rob, last night. he is seriously the best kisser I have ever kissed. and I didn't think anyone would ever outdo Dustin!
Last Good Cry: last night when I drove away from Rob... why do relationships have to be so difficult?
Last Person That You Saw Naked Besides You: umm, I generally try to stay away from naked people...
Want to get married: definitely
Think you're a health freak: a lot more than I used to be, but no, not really
Get along with your parents: it has totally flipped. I didn't get along with my dad growing up, now we're really close and I don't get along with my mom as well.

see - I'm amazing! ;)

so this is how it feels to be 26

wow... I am 26 years old. yesterday was a pretty good day actually. I'm not going to lie, I was freaked. I wanted to flee. but, it turned out to be a pretty good day thanks to my unbelievably amazing friends and family! my co-workers took me out for sushi for lunch! YUMMY! I had been craving it for a while. and Jamie gave me a spider plant! then Rob "kidnapped" me from work for an hour later that afternoon and took me out for a drink. that was fun. when I got home my sister had gifts for me to open and cake! I get an angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream every year... I felt like a kid again. then, after spending a couple hours talking on the phone to the tons of people that called I went to Johnny Carino's for dinner with Steve, his new beau Brandon and Amber. I love the bottomless Italian sodas! and our hot waiter gave me free tiramisu for my birthday dessert! YUMMY! so, yeah, all in all it was a good day and the thought of being an old maid didn't even cross my mind. look at all that food! I should never eat again! wow...

the best part of waking up

I am a smell person. a smell can change my mood, evoke memories - good or bad, alter my thoughts. I had never found a laundry detergent that satisfied my need for pleasant smelling fabric, and I have always been disappointed about that. until now... I know this seems like paid advertising, but I assure you this is of my own free will. I LOVE the new Gain Joyful Expressions - Apple Mango Tango. I bought it last week and have been obsessively washing everything in my house. I am NOT a morning person, but my bed now smells of it and so do my towells, and let me tell you - it helps! so, anyway, if you are a smell person you should definitely try it. ...I'm worried about tomorrow morning though. I turn 26 tomorrow. I don't think the Apple Mango Tango smell of my sheets, my clothes and my towell are going to be enough to get me out of bed in the morning. I have never been effected by a birthday like this before. I am officially freaking out! I am not ready to be 26! I am having this impulse to flee. I just can't decide where. Park City to a nice hotel room and a jacuzzi? St. George to the spa and a free bed at my dad's? Vegas to the strip and my best friend's house? Flaming Gorge to the mountains and lakes? or will I just lie in my bed in a comatose state all weekend? we'll see what the day brings...

the flood

my bathroom flooded last night. water was seeping out of the floor drain for about an hour and it wouldn't stop. it was the perfect ending to a rather dreary weekend. you know those weekends where you have no plans, and nobody to make any with? you just lounge, veg, run boring errands, watch a ton of TV, sleep in, and are generally bored. I guess I can partly blame it on the fact that I didn't feel well and really needed sleep, but all in all, it was just one of those weekends.

I had a lot of time to ponder some of those questions that pop up in your mind every now and again. like, was it really the style to dress like a guy when I was in high school, or was I seriously misled? how in the world did I ever survive without the internet? better than that, how in the world did I survive growing up in Hanksville, UT? why is it that I hate yellow and why does bright highlighting hurt my eyes? why is the old lady next door so mean? why do guys think its hot to gage their ears? am I ever going to be able to open my own business? how much does my name have to do with who I turned out to be? why do people think its fun to slide down a mountain covered in snow, just to crash and hurt yourself while you are all the while wet and freezing? how many teeth do I have in my mouth? why is he ignoring me this weekend, is he mad, is he bored of me? why does my favorite sugary cereal make me sick to my stomach now? ...don't you think its about time I gave these questions the thoughtful time they deserved? if so, I guess it was a productive weekend...

anyway, its been a while since I wrote, but there seriously hasn't been anything going on. life is just rolling along right now, but I guess I should be grateful for that. oh, and yay! my little sister is due in 6 weeks. I can't wait! I am addicted to the baby section, I need to stop buying stuff... and it is frustrating that she isn't going to find out if its a boy or girl. there is only so much green and yellow stuff you can buy... I can't wait to be an aunt!! and I really can't wait to go to Seattle to see them next month...

the sacrifices I make

I cherish my sleep... and when I don't get enough I am droggy all day, I get headaches, and I am in a bad mood. I look forward to Saturday all week because it is the only day I don't have to be out the door by 8:30. lately, I have been sacrificing my sleep for some pretty important things - my job and the boy. I have been working a lot of late nights and a ton at home. and circumstances in our lives require us to spend most of our time together and on the phone late at night. and I really don't mind, except that I think maybe it is backfiring. I think the toll it is taking on me might be weighing on our relationship and my performance at work. is it worth it? worse though, am I getting old? I remember when I used to stay up EVERY night until 3 or later. and those were the days that I had to leave for school or early morning summer practice by 6:30 AM! what happened?

i'm just sayin...

okay, okay, maybe I spoke too soon about Oprah. although I did say I was sure she did some good things with her money. however, I do wonder if the tax benefits from something like that are pretty rewarding... I'm just sayin...

A to B

I have always been an A to Z thinker. I just can't help myself. I see the whole picture, I imagine the entire process from beginning to end. this is actually a great thing professionally and it has really been an asset for me in every job I have ever had. now, if I could reserve that skill for work I think I would be set, but it seems to be the way I handle every aspect of my life and it has really bit me in the butt in almost all of my relationships thus far. see, I believe the main difference between men and women is that women generally see things from A to Z and men generally see things from A to B. when I go out with someone I am not just considering a kiss at the end of the night or a second date (B) as the guy is, I am considering whether or not there is long term potential, whether I can picture myself marrying the guy (Z). talk about adding unneeded additional pressure to a first date! but, no matter how much I try to ignore that instinct it keeps pushing its way to the forefront of my thoughts. I wonder if his career path has potential, or if it is something I could live with (unlike the vet I dated... yuck). I judge his clothes, taste in music, spending habits, manners, and hobbies against mine to see if we would mesh well. and if things are okay to that point I sometimes even consider how his last name sounds with my first and whether or not our kids would be cute. this sounds crazy, right? most guys think it is, but almost all of my girlfriends admit to very similar thoughts.

I met this amazing guy last summer. he was in Iraq at the time, he is a medic in the guard, so we were limited to chatting, emails and phone calls. with most guys that wouldn't last very long, but we kept it up for 6 months and never got bored or tired of it. we always had something to talk about and we clicked like no one I had ever met before. he has been home for four months now and things have been going great. I think mostly because I have been containing the A to Z beast, or at least hiding it from him. my best friend Marti has been the one encouraging this and keeping me going. thanks, Mart. but, yesterday it reared its ugly head. he is in Venezuela right now, so conversation has been minimal for a while. when I blurted it out, it was kind of out of the blue, and I was even surprised when I said it. I guess I started slacking since he left and I'm no longer strong enough to contain it. so, I did it. I tried to force my A to Z thinking on him. he seemed to handle it well, but if I screw this one up too, I don't know if I will bounce back. I seriously don't know how people ever have successful relationships. did I ruin my chances by waiting until I had grown up before I tried to make them work? maybe I should have gone for the plunge when I was still young, clueless and impressionable so that we could grow into a relationship together... ??

I hate snow... I love snow... I hate snow

I hate snow. always have. I especially hate driving in it. there was a blizzard this morning... that was a treat. but, the problem is that it is so darn beautiful. the street I live on looks exactly like this picture right after it snows... so gorgeous! so as soon as I am done cursing the snow I get in my car, start driving and immediately begin doubting my disdain for the heavenly white flakes softly falling all around me. but, thats just it, it is only pretty to look at. I hate how cold and wet it is, I hate how scary it is to drive in it (I get headaches from the tension), I hate skiing, snowboarding, etc. but the view from my office is amazing! I can see the mountains both east and west, downtown, and a huge valley full of trees, a golf course, canyons, etc. even when it snows, and it is all covered in white, a glimpse to my right can mean endless staring and distraction from working. man, I can't wait until Spring. I actually LOVE rain. I love to see the world coming alive again. and I have a front row seat to it all. ...but, that is too far away. lets focus on something a bit closer. I can't wait until next Tuesday! yay! that is when Rob will be back, and hopefully he will save me from going to yet another family get together alone... :)

christa vs. oprah

Oprah Winfrey bothers me. she drives me crazy! its one thing to be famous and have a lot of money, but its another thing to flaunt it and waste it on ridiculous, pointless and empty parties and televisions specials. if I have it right, Oprah is the richest woman in the country. her business ventures have been very successful and are something to be proud of. but, using that money to throw glamorous parties, ceremonies, and televisions specials for other ridiculously rich, famous celebrities is something to be ashamed of. it disgusts me. now, I don't want to get up on a soap box and be preachy, but seriously, I think it is immoral for one human being to have that much money when there are thousands suffering everywhere. is it really necessary to have a 20,000 square foot house with 15 bathrooms and 17 bedrooms, a pool, a guest house, a personal chef and florist, a gym, basketball and tennis courts when there are homeless people on every street corner? how can you live with yourself in that situation?

I'm not saying Oprah doesn't do good things with her money. I know she donates to charities, but it seems extremely minimal compared to the extravagant crap she pulls all the time. why can't she at least lay low like Bill Gates? I'm not a fan of how much money he has and how easy his children and grandchildren are goin to have it forever, but at least I don't see it on TV and in magazines and newspapers every day. maybe the real problem is the media. maybe I should get off Oprah's back. maybe she really would rather do television specials that educate us and raise money for good causes but the media won't do it. who knows? all I know is that if I have to watch her spend more money and give more attention to celebrities I might fly to Chicago and throw up on her doorstep...

roller coaster ride

life feels like a roller coaster sometimes. lately it feels like that really big one at Six Flags, the old rickety one. you are moving too fast, things are coming at you unexpectedly, you aren't stable or secure, and you can't escape the feeling that if you let any single muscle in your body relax you will surely die. If I started listing everything in my life that recently came hurling toward me, it would take an eternity. I am having a hard time keeping all of them straight in my head. hopefully this ride doesn't last too long, and I come out okay.

the trolley square shooting happened approximately 10 blocks from my house. I still can't believe such a tragic event happened so close to me. who knew something like that would happen in Salt Lake City? I am extrememly blessed that neither I nor anyone close to me was there that night. ...why do things like this keep happeneing? I am starting to get worn out from reading the newspaper and watching the news. maybe I should just stop and start existing in a bubble again... hmmm...

i heart scrubs

scrubs is the BEST SHOW EVER! I am very disappointed that I only recently discovered it. I have been seriously missing out. well, I mean, I always knew about it, but never watched it until a few months ago. and now I can't get enough of it! zach braff is at the top of my celebrity crush list, but he has been since Garden State. I think my recent obsession with scrubs secured him for quite a while though. and hey, he said he would marry me on myspace... ;) anyway, life is crazy busy lately, with my full time job, catering, my part time job, my church calling, my charity volunteer work, my apartment search, and trying to keep some sort of a social life, so finding time to sit down and watch scrubs is what I look forward to. if I am home and it is on, I can't talk myself out of taking a breather, sitting down and watching it. if you don't watch it, I beg you to reconsider, you must give it a chance, you will not be disappointed!

a kiss is just a kiss

I went down south for a couple days last week to see my mom, help her unpack and get settled, and make sure she got some rest after her surgery. My little sister, who is going to be 16 in a couple days, had her boyfriend over pretty much the whole time I was there and they were sneaking kisses as often as they could. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and how much I loved kissing. It was pretty much what I lived for. Every time my boyfriend kissed me I felt sparks, I melted. It was the best feeling in the world.

My kissing experiences have really evolved since then. Since high school, the "knock your socks off" kisses are few and far between. I've had some really bad kisses, some blah kisses, some pretty good kisses, and a couple WHOAH! kisses. When the guy that I am dating right now (that phrase comes from another story I will share in a different post), his name is Rob, kissed me for the first time, it was one of those knock your socks off, take your breath away moments! And every time we kissed for the next few weeks it was just like that. He is the best kisser I have ever kissed, and I thought nobody would ever beat Dustin. Not only is Rob really good at it, but there is a deeper connection. I have never clicked so well with someone emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually all at the same time. My knees literally almost buckle. I don't even know how to begin explaining how this all makes me feel. When he kissed me, it was like I could finally exhale... I am lighter on my toes, I smile more, and I can't wait for the next kiss. I am going to be waiting for a long time though, he is gone for 6 weeks. I miss him so much it almost hurts.

Anyway, it has only been about three months, since the first kiss and we have already gotten into a pattern of automatic "pecks" when we say hello and goodbye. Sometimes I wonder what happened. Do we lose the fascination with kissing when we get older and more settled and secure in relationships? Not that I don't enjoy the quick hello and goodbye kisses, I still savor them, I just wish there were more knee-buckling moments, I want to feel like a kid again. And what a great world it would be if every hello and goodbye were accompanied by a knock your socks off kiss!

sUnDaNcE!!

WOW! prepare to be extremely jealous! I worked at the ESPN party at Sundance this weekend. I always knew Sundance was big, and people went there just to walk around and see celebrities, but wow! so, who did I see you ask? well, here are the celebrities I actually talked to: Josh Hartnett (he is even hotter in person, and extremely nice! I talked to him for a few minutes and he called me lovely!), Teri Hatcher (who is adorable and tinier than I thought, but also kind of obnoxious), Giada De Lorentes (she is adorable, and she actually helped me put toilet paper in the bathroom stalls!), Mark Steines of Entertainment Tonight, Christian Slater, Dante Stallworth of the Eagles (he actually kissed me 3 times-lips, but no tongue, sorry kids!), Alex Guerrero of the Vikings, and Shaun Alexander of the Seahawks, to name a few. This is who I saw at my party, but didn't get to talk to: Justin Timberlake, Lance Bass, Jeremy Sisto (Elton from Clueless), Omar Benson Miller (8 Mile, Get Rich or Die Tryin, Shall We Dance), Matt Leinart, about 10 Green Bay Packers, a retired Chicago Bears player - I can't believe I forgot his name!, the celebrity poker guys, etc. our party was amazing, it was the place to be! I decided I want to go to Sundace every year now! hopefully working at events again, it was a lot of fun to be a part of it. it was an amazing weekend. now all I need right now is some sleep and the $800 I am hoping will miraculously show up so I can fly to Venezuela... too bad none of the celebrities loved me enough to leave me an outrageous tip! ...wish me luck!

hectic

well, the new year started off with a bang! I don't feel like I have had time to breathe yet. we moved our office to the cottonwood corporate center this weekend. my catering business is taking off. I started my part time job with the event planner. the huntsman cancer event I am volunteering for is coming up. my mom is having surgery. I am working hard to squeeze in time with "the boy" whenever I can. and to top it all off, I found out last week that I have to move out of my apartment! that was quite a bombshell! I was finally convinced that I was settled. I was going to live here until I got married or bought a house... I didn't see this coming at all. so, I cried for a couple days and stayed up all night devouring craigs list, but I think everything is coming together. one of my friends needs a roommate at the same time I have to move out and the apartment is suitable, so thats the plan for now.

Its amazing what a full schedule like this can do to someone. Its been years since I have been this exhausted. but, at the same time, its been quite a while since I felt this fulfilled and happy. we'll see how long it lasts...

resolutions

happy new year! I don't really ever make real resolutions, but I have been thinking about them the past couple days, and I have some that I actually look forward to. maybe that has been my problem, I never pick resolutions that I really want to do. why would I be motivated if I don't really want to do it? well, 2007 is the year for me, because I really want to get these things done.

FIRST - get a passport, and get two stamps on it. I am ashamed that I don't have one. in fact, if I did, I could be going to a private island in Colombia next month. so, not only am I ashamed, I'm completely regretful of this fact right now. so, hopefully I will be able to go some other time this year. Kerstin and I really want to go to Bermuda in May, so hopefully that will work out. anyway, its way past time for me to start traveling for real...

SECOND - make my catering and event dreams come true. I am already well on my way for this, so I just need to follow through. I started doing catering on the side last month, and I have two more events coming up in a few weeks - an SUU fundraiser and a wedding reception. I made some business cards and hopefully I will generate more business from these events. I also took a part time job with an event planning company. hopefully that will work out the way the owner and I hope - with me as a full time event manager by the end of the year! its very exciting!

THIRD - become more financially stable. I have been living paycheck to paycheck for too long. I need to take this extra revenue I am suddenly bringing in and get a rainy day savings account in place. I also need to get all the little credit cards taken care of that are sort of haunting me in the back of my mind. I am lucky enough to have everything else in order and well on its way to being paid off, but all the little things are starting to pile up again... I am too young to be so bound by my financial situation...

anyway, hopefully by publishing these goals for all the world to see, I will make sure they get done. and I am actually excited about them! 2007 is great so far, lets keep it that way!

blue christmas

so, Christmas was great for the most part. my family situation was a little awkard, with the fact that my mom is already separated from her new husband, my little pregnant sister is far far away in Seattle, Amber and I are still hopelessly single, my mom still refuses to go to the extended family Christmas party, and my mom and dad actually spent Christmas together with us kids... but, all in all, it was a great weekend. well, except for the fact that I put on 3 pounds! :D I am officially back on my diet as of yesterday...

the Powell family Christmas party at the cabins was amazing, of course. I LOVE my extended family. my aunts and uncles are more like brothers and sisters to me since we are so close in age and I grew up with them. it is always good to see them. they bring me back down, remind me of who I am, where I came from, who I want to be, and what the whole point of all of this is. they know me pretty well, and I always feel better when I spend time with people that know me inside and out and still love me. it was also good to be spiritually fed by my grandparents, and jumped on and hugged by my little cousins. ...but - the party also got me a little depressed. my sister too. we are the oldest of the 35 grandchildren. well, I am the oldest, she is the 3rd oldest. there were 4 cousins younger than us that brought "significant others" with them. this was the first year anyone did that, so, of course, it was a big deal. it seemed like it was what everyone focused on. in fact, it seemed to be the theme of the party. "oh, we are so glad you brought someone! we are so excited to welcome new people into our family! you guys are such a cute couple. I'm so glad you all found each other." blah blah blah. I mean, yeah, its great and all, and I am just as happy for them, but what about the rest of us? are we failures? are we disappointing the family? are we now of little importance? is getting married all everyone really cares about? why didn't anyone seem to care that Justin took state in wrestlling, or that Kali won the spelling bee, or that I am starting my own catering business, or that Amber worked hard all year and bought a new Jeep, or that Ricki got a promotion at her job? ...so, not only do I have to face life alone, but I also have to be shunned by those that I am closest to? and if I do find happiness in being single, does that make me a rebel or a disgrace?

it doesn't feel right. maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. or maybe it is my own insecurity that is making me feel regarded in this way. whatever the case, it is hard to escape. I left the Christmas party wishing they could return to the way they were a few short years ago and dreading what those parties hold for me and my hopelessly single future...

merry christa-mas!

I don't remember how old I was, but I was young. all I wanted for Christmas was a Nativity set. I may have wanted some roller skates too, but I don't remember. I even wrote a letter to Santa specifivally asking for one. it bothered me that my family didn't have one to display during the holidays. anyway, I think this really touched my Grandma. she and I had always had a special bond. she lived up the street from us my entire life, and sometimes I think I spent more time there than I did at home. someday I will write a blog about her. she was amazing and she filled my life with beautiful memories...

so, Christmas day came and I didn't open a Nativity set. I remember being disappointed, but not enough to ruin the enjoyment of the gifts I did receive. a couple hours later my Grandparents came over to give us their gifts. my Grandma handed me a big white manilla envelope. I opened it up and pulled out a paper nativity set. it was beautiful! I unfolded it, carefully attached the pieces, and set it up to proudly display in our living room. I believe I left it up in my room for quite a few months, and remember putting it up every Christmas for a few years after that. I don't know what happened to it. I imagine it took quite a beating considering I was the oldest of 5 children with plenty of little cousins that visited often. I'm sure it was destroyed and thrown away, but I think of it every year. I relayed this story to my best friend, Jackie, a few years ago and she then gave me a beautiful porcelain Nativity set for Christmas. now it stands as a reminder of my first Nativity set, the beautiful Grandmother that gave it to me, the blessing of a great true friend that I have in Jackie, and the true meaning of Christmas.

sometimes we get caught up in the commercialism of Christmas. I know I do. check this out for instance. all of the excitement distracts us from the true meaning. we should be remembering Christ's birth, his life, and what it means to us. I am lucky enough to have an amazing extended family that gathers together every Christmas to enjoy each other's company, play games, eat food, laugh until we cry, and reflect on Jesus Christ. my Grandparents give us spiritual gifts, and have prepared a presentation complete with stories, scriptures, and testimony. we then take turns sharing our testimonies, thoughts and what we have learned that year. I am so excited to get to the cabins to see everybody and experience our annual spiritual feast, so to speak. I'm sure I will have plenty to reflect on and tell when I return. Merry Christmas everyone! I hope yours is full of love, loved ones and warmth.

blog slacker!

WOW! I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have written! life has been a big hectic whirlwind since I got back from DC. I really can't believe it has been two weeks... a lot has happened, and I have had a ton of thoughts. I better get to it.

I always put myself in overkill in December. for some reason I take on a million projects every year and I end up sleep deprived with an empty bank account! but, I am always satisfied and proud of my work - the gifts I give, the parties I throw, the delicious food I bake, the cards I make, the gift wrapping that looks like a work of art, and my cute winter apparel! I love it! I just wish it didn't wear me out. but, then again, I am happiest when I am extremely busy. when my days are full, I am too occupied to think about things. particularly the big questions like, "what am I doing with my life?" and it keeps my thoughts away from the bad situation my family is in down in Cedar City. which is good, because there is nothing I can do about it and thinking about it just brings me down for no reason. so, there's that, and also the fact that it makes me feel good. when I finish one of these busy projects it gives me a sense of accomplishment that has been steadily disappearing from my life since I graduated from college. I guess you could call me a "busy bee." I constantly need something going on in my life to keep me from making myself crazy. so, here are the things that have been keeping me crazy busy:

CHRISTMAS - shopping, crafts, baking, decorating, wrapping, travleing to parties, annual correspondence, etc.

Catering - I LOVE to cater, and I used to do it often when I lived back in DC. this weekend I finally got to do a job in Utah. I catered a huge dinner for 90 people. It was amazing, but it took up my entire weekend. I also had some business cards designed that I could hand out. my sister did an amazing job considering she hadn't used photoshop since high school.

Volunteering - I am a volunteer for the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I am coordinating the volunteers for the annual Radio-A-Thon fundraiser. It consists of lots of phone calls, emails, faxes, spreadsheets. sure, it sounds easy and a lot like what I do every day at work, but it does take up a lot of time.

Work - I had to stay late at work every day last week. I was in charge of our company's client gifts, Christmas cards and company party on top of my regular responsibilities. It got a little crazy at the office for me, to say the least.

right now I am experiencing the lull right before the big event. I only have two more little errands to run before Christmas day. things are quiet at work, and my mind is swirling with thoughts. the thoughts I usually try to avoid. but, I will try to enjoy swimming in them for now. here we go. ...should I go to grad school? who can I get to write my letters of recommendation? do I really want to burden myself with more student loans? do I want to get an MPP, MPA, or Masters of Poli Sci? should I really try to make christa lee catering work? maybe that would be a good lead-in to be a wedding planner. why do I want to do jobs like that when I have a degree in and a passion for poli sci? would I be abandoning my opportunity to actually make a good difference and impact in the world? ...does Rob really like me? has he lost interest? when am I going to get to see him again? should I make it obvious how much I like him? can I emotionally afford to leave myself open to get hurt again? but, I think he might actually be the one. you shouldn't try to protect yourself from the one, right? am I good enough for him though? I really do think I am a good catch, for many reasons, but does he see it in me? ...is my mom ever going to be strong enough to be happy? what in the world can I do to help her? and how is stacy going to come out of this situation? will her baby be okay? how can we get her back to Utah? is Rachel going to be okay? is my Dad going to live much longer? what if he dies before I get married? how will I handle it if my kids never get to know their Grandpa? am I ever going to be able to have my own family? am I going to be alone forever? why can't I find someone that will love me enough to want to marry me? or at least stay with me for more than a few months? ...why am I so obsessed with the chocolate phone? how can I get one? will I ever be able to afford my own apple laptop? I can't wait until my car is paid off. will I be able to stop myself from buying a new one once that happens? ...are the democrats going to be able to take back the white house? should I get on a presidential campaign again? who would I support? there are so many good ones. would America really reject a woman or a black man? if so, that is a sad commentary and I am ashamed. how long will it be before women and minorities are equal to white men? I can't believe they're not! have we even progressed since the civil war?

okay, thats enough. I need to find a project to work on. see! those thoughts are too much. I don't think I am the only one with thoughts like this though. we all deal with our own concerns - demons if you will. will any of us ever have life figured out? or are we all just doomed to wander in uncertainty forever until we finally die? okay, so that sounded grim, I promise didn't mean it like that. I just wonder if there are ever going to be any answers or sureties in my future...

I'm back!

so, I returned a few days ago and I'm still trying to get back into the groove of the dull dreary existence I am forced to call my life... let's just say that my trip back east was so close to perfect that when I landed in Salt Lake City and stepped out of the airport into the freezing cold, optimists would say "crisp", air and looked to the empty pavement before asking a cab driver for a ride, I couldn't hold back the tears. the thought of returning to this life was almost too much to bear. and the realization that I went from a city crowded with people begging to spend time with me to a city where no one cared enough to pick me up from the airport, sent me into a very deep low for a couple of days. BUT - lets not focus on that. I have since gotten over those pitiful thoughts and feelings, so lets talk about the fun things I did and the amazing people I spent my time with... this is mostly going to be a pictoral blog. I LOVE pictures!

first up - Kelly, Chris, and Sam. as I'm sure you know, this is my most favorite family ever!! I almost couldn't bare it when they moved to Williamsburg so that Chris could start law school at William & Mary. I savored every minute I spent with them. we did a million things. we spent a lot of time at Colonial Williamsburg, the new Jamestown, the old Jamestown, Yorktown, the outlet malls, and of course, Kelly and I did several crafty projects! its our favorite passtime. we made slippers, bath bombs, gingerbread and Christmas cards. Sam is the most adorable little boy I have ever met and I couldn't get enough time with him.
Chris and Kelly are two of my closest friends in the world. they are smart, sincere, caring, motivated, spiritual, strong, and they are a match made in heaven. they know me better than almost anyone and they still love me! :) they are very supportive and understanding. my goal in life is to "grow up" to be as close to as great as they are as I can be. and my future marriage has a lot to live up to...

Kerstin - although Kerstin and I only lived together for about 3 months, she is one of the best friends I have ever had. I feel like I have known her forever! she is one of the funniest people I have ever met - she has me laughing all the time, and my own humor bursts at the seams when I am around her. not many people can bring that out in me. so, to say the least, time with Kerstin is ALWAYS fun. she picked me up from the airport, and from the metro stop every day, let me stay at her house, AND dropped me off at the airport! she is great! she had an incredibly busy week. she had just moved into a new place and she was under tight, crazy deadlines at work, yet she was still there for me AND spent time with me! she even took me to IKEA and Cosi! who could ask for more? my hope is that someday she will be back in Utah so our friendship can consist of more than gmail chat while we are both either bored or frustrated at work...

The Hotline - the 14 months I spent at The Hotline were pretty close to the best months of my life. the job was PERFECT for me! my passion is politics, particularly campaigns. at The Hotline I did research and writing about national elections. I co-produced Hotline TV, and I was a personal assistant to Chuck Todd, who some of you might recognize as a frequent guest political pundit on MSNBC. leaving The Hotline was one of the hardest decisions I EVER made. in fact, Chuck made me promise to come back and granted me a leave of absesnce for 6 months after I left. so, when I walked into the office I was greated by screams, cheers, and hugs. it was so great to see everyone again. I visited for a couple hours, and then I was able to attend the American Democracy Conference the next day at the Reagan building. click here for a run down of the amazing people on each panel, and the topics discussed. I also got to see Chris Hamby, Jen Hoar and Eric Pfeiffer there. they worked at The Hotline with me, but now Jen is at cbs.com and Eric is a writer for The Washington Times. Hamby still works at The Hotline, he does marketing, which might be good for me when I move back! It was great to catch up with everyone and get a taste of the wisdom The Hotline basks in every day. I went back to the office the next day and brought in some of my famous home made oreos for everyone and said good bye. everyone was begging me to come back, and telling them it would be a couple more years was so devastating... so, to make me feel better, I went to the National Portrait Gallery and wandered around for 3 hours! It is amazing there! I got to see the portraits of Joseph Smith and Brigham Young that caused so much controversy, as well as a million other amazing and inspiring works of art.

Jen - I got to see Jen at the American Democracy Conference and then we went to dinner together. Jen is one of the most articulate people I have ever met. I LOVE listening to her talk! she is also one of the best friends I have ever made. she is a very genuine and sincere person, and our senses of humor hit it off the moment we met. she does one of the best Dr. Evil impersonations I have ever heard! and we perfected Kit and Napoleon together as well. She is a Catholic and we have had many conversations about our religions, I have learned a lot from her. she makes me comfortable in my own skin, and I have no problem being very honest with her, she brings out the real me. we always joke about a run in we had in the bathroom at work the Monday after I moved into the townhouse. she asked how my weekend was and I said, "It was horrible. I'm glad its over." then we both laughed because with almost anyone else the usual "good, how was yours" would do, but we have something special, and we expect nothing but sincere honesty from eachother. time with Jen is like a breath of fresh air. I am very greatful for her friendship.

Gus - okay, so his real name is Michael Gustafson, and I could tell his girlfriend didn't appreciate that I call him Gus, but you can't go from calling someone Gus to calling him Mike. It just doesn't work. He is Gus... anyway, I met Gus in Iowa. we were roommates for my first two months of the Gephardt for President campaign and when I moved to my own office an hour away for the next 4 months he was my biggest help and supporter. he is one of the funniest guys I have ever met and he has one of the most unique personalities out there. we share a love for democratic politics, and a fire for campaigns that, after Iowa, has calmed down to warm coals. those were 6 of the hardest months of our lives, and we loved it, but have no desire to do it again. we also both have a humorous passion for IKEA. we are like kids in a candy store when we walk into that place. so, I got to have dinner with Gus and his girl Abby, and then I got to see him again right before I left. we went Christmas shopping for a family he adopted for the holiday. what a sweetheart! we both dream of the day we will get to live in the same city again...

that covers most of my trip. it would take days to tell you everywhere I went and everything I saw and did. just know that it was great! the weather was great - 70 degrees. I never had to wear my coat! it rained on me once as I was walking to the metro, but I didn't mind. I loved every minute I spent with my amazing friends and every minute I spent in that amazing city. I can't wait to go back.

vacations and holidays

I went down to St. George this past weekend to see my family and help my dad move into his new house. It was great, I love spending time with my family, and I love St. George. but, traveling always makes me really tired. and the short weekends driving all the way down to St. George can be pretty bad. I SOOOOOO need a vacation! lucky me, I'm getting one! I decided I need at least one semi-long vacation per year. It has been a whole year since I went on the cruise and I am itching for a trip so bad I can barely stand it. I leave for DC on Thursday - Thanksgiving morning. I am going to go spend the holiday with my best friends that are at law school in Williamsburg. I get to be there for 10 days! I am going to spend the bulk of my time in DC visiting old friends and my dearest former place of work - The Hotline. ...revisiting the past, my former life. I'm worried it might be heart-wrenching because I ache to live there again, but I am hoping that it will just be the perfect place to spend my much-needed time off. plus, I'm a total nerd and could wander around that city for days, all by myself, and be completely satisfied. so, until then I am trying to get a TON of work done so that they can handle things at the office while I am gone. I am also trying to spend as much time with "the boy" as possible. 10 days is a long time... I am going to miss him a lot. and then 10 days after I get back he heads to Venezuela for two weeks. It is going to be a long, lonely month... :( Its a good thing I have the holidays to keep me busy. speaking of which - I LOVE Christmas! my family rents two huge cabins in Teasdale every year and we spend a couple days there eating, playing games, watching movies, riding 4-wheelers and motorcycles, shooting clay pigeons, and laughing our butts off. I LOVE my family. We have a great time together. I look forward to that get-together all year long. I can't wait. finally - good things are ahead.

this thing called love

growing up, my mother drilled into my head the ideal and perfect future husband. he would be educated, good looking, sweet, mature, considerate, but most of all - he would be a mormon who had served a full time mission and kept himself worthy to marry me for time and all eternity in the temple. there is nothing wrong with this goal, but I think that maybe I took it a little bit more literally than my mother had in mind. I was told to never settle, so I haven't. but, I am also scared to death of marriage so I have been subjecting myself to horrible relationships with people that don't fit that mold in order to save myself from it. however, during all of these experiences I have realized that I could be perfectly happy with someone that didn't fit that exact mold. and I find myself a little perturbed that I have been made to believe that was the only recipe for success and happiness... after all, who fits that perfect mold anyway?

I think I have pretty good judgment. and by now, I definitely know what is going to make me happy and what isn't. I think it is okay for me to redefine my ideal future husband -- don't laugh, this really is an epiphany I just had and it sucks that it took so long for me to realize it. of course my religion is extrememly important to me, and I would love it if he felt the same about that as I do, but it won't be the end of the world if he doesn't. it is more important to me that we "get" eachother, that we have a good time together, and that we are willing to stand beside eachother through everything, help eachother with our goals, and be there for eachother during our life journey.

...now, excuse me for jumping the gun, but I think I found someone that actually fits this new mold I created. he even has some extra bonuses - he is a mormon that served a full time mission, he is a veteran, and he will definitely be rolling in the dough someday. so, why is it that I am putting up a huge guard and working my pants off to make sure I don't fall for him? what is wrong with me? I know that I have been hurt, and that I don't enjoy it and so I do try to protect myself sometimes, but - I also know that I want to fall in love and be happy more than anything. I guess my emotions are playing tug-of-war. ...I hope the love side wins with this one. I'm almost too scared to let him go.

you have got to be kidding me

first of all - YAY! WE WON!!! I have been meaning to post my excitement since it happened, so sorry it is so late. anyway, election night was the best. I went to Orem to Bethanie Newby's party and then hung out with my best friends, steve and marti, watching the results come in until about 3 AM. I couldn't have chosen a better way to celebrate. Bethanie didn't win, but that was expected. somehow, Utah is always an exception. I have no idea what it will take to give the Ds more power in Utah. I mean, democrats won all over the country, most of them in pretty shocking races, but Utah didn't change one bit... anyway, I'm super stoked about the national results and cannot wait until January when the 110th Congress takes power!

okay, remember when I said that the universe works against me? well, this past week was no exception. I got the flu. I was really sick, but work was too crazy and there was no way I could take a whole day off. so, on Thursday I slept in, took a hot bath, and then headed to work. It started snowing on the way and at the intersection of state and 4th South I was stopped at a red light when I got rear ended! I was the third car in the line, so it wasn't horribly bad, but my bumper got cracked. I had to wait for the police, and the paramedics wouldn't let me turn my car on so I sat there in the freezing snow filling out paper work and waiting... the good thing was that the paramedic was cute and asked for my number! the bad thing was that I was involved in another accident. this is my third bumper in the past 6 months! I am definitely tired of this. anyway, the guy's insurace got my car in the shop and me into a rental the very next morning, which is good. but, they put me in a HUGE TRUCK! haha! Its a 2007 Dodge Ram. It is nice, and only had 160 miles on it, but it is so huge! I hate driving it. and I know people see me driving it and laugh or stare. I had to call my brother so he could tell me whether to put gas or diesel in it... my friends and I drove it around Friday night though, and that was a lot of fun. the other trick the universe played on me this weekend was pretty painful. I have to be to church early so that I can print off the programs and hand them out. I was wearing my black heels and I had to park on the street because I was afraid to take the monstrosity I have been driving into the parking lot among all the other tiny cars. so, as I was walking downhill on the pavement around the side of the building, the bottom of my heel broke off and I slipped. I landed on my left knee and it slid across the asphalt. I felt the skin being ripped off! it was VERY painful. and I couldn't leave so I spent all of sacrament meeting wiping the stream of blood and clear goo off my leg. I spent all day cleaning it with peroxide and smothering it with pain relief neosporin. and today it actually hurts worse. I would post a pic, but I refuse to litter my blog. ;)

we had a girls night on Friday and went to an SUU Alumni event. we went to the hardrock and had appetizers, and then we went to the U and watched the T-Birds kick the Ute's @$$! :D It was great fun. PLUS - I got another catering job out of it! I will be catering the alumni scholarship fundraiser at Hale Theater in a couple months! I really hope this helps me get more catering gigs. I love it! plus, the money is nice... okay, so maybe things are looking good.

par-tay!

so, I actually did have fun on Halloween. I know - I wasn't feeling it, but I got invited to a haunted house at the last minute so I went. thank goodness for my awesome friends! generally, haunted houses aren't scary, but we got into it and my throat was sore from all the screaming afterward. I would reccomend the Nightmare on 13th to anyone in northern Utah! ...then, we took the party to my house and we watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I had seen it before, but it is one of my favorite scary movies. mostly because it is a true story. it totally freaks me out. then, we stayed up until about 3 AM talking about whether or not it could really be true, how it happens, what they should have done for the exorcism to work, etc. everyone there, except for me, was a returned missionary for our church so they had stories to tell and a lot of insight.

the next day I went to Cody, WY, with my boss. we didn't miss our flight this time, and I was extremely nervous to go, but it turned out to be a GREAT time! it was my first business trip and we went to the Buffalo Bill Historical Center, which is my client. I had a budget, media plan, and ad concepts to present and hopefully get approved. I had never been there so the first thing we did was go on a tour. there are five museums - natural history, buffalo bill, plains indians, western art, and firearms.
they are all AMAZING! they would fit in on the mall in DC, right along with the smithsonians! I am so proud to be representing them now! anyway, the meetings went well, everything was approved, and I even came up with a new tagline after having been to the museums that we are going to use in all of our 2007 ads! :) we went out for a drink, then to dinner with the clients -which was a hoot!- and then to the local watering hole. haha! there were only 8 people there, so my boss and I had a great time. It was COLD in Cody. my boss had to buy a carhart coat. he fit right in with the locals. ...the flight, however, sucked. those little planes are SO loud! I had never been so glad to get off an airplane before!

this past weekend, I went to a party at my friend Laurie's house. we watched Wait Until Dark in her basement on a big screen with a projector. we all screamed like a bunch of little girls at the end when the guy jumped out! haha! afterward we sang karoake, and I'm afraid I made a fool of myself. but, it was fun! I sang Sweet Home Alabama and The Rose just to name a couple. I was the life of the pretty dead party. hey - at least I sound better than cameron diaz!

I spent all day Saturday (well, at least the time that I was actually awake - I was fighting off the flu) helping with Bethanie Newby's GOTV canvass. I won't go off on politics and elections again, but I really wish she had a chance at winning. she is amazing... it was a saturday well spent.

anyway, things are generally going pretty well right now if I do say so myself.

my america

my ideal America probably wouldn't have political parties. my America would consist of a population that voted for a candidate based on what they stood for and how they were going to better their lives and the general state of the union. negative campaigning wouldn't exist, and more than 70% of the eligible population would vote. I know that is seriously stretching it, but we're talking about my dream situation, right? ...I have been thinking a TON about this lately. Alex's comment got me started so I thought I would make a full blog about it...

I hate that you have to play dirty to win, and that it is all about scheming and manipulating and strategy instead of the issues and the worthiness of the candidate. I have spent numerous hours, even months of my life, trying to figure out what needs to be done in order to change the way the system works. but, the only way I can see this happening, is for the American people to change the way they react to it all. Americans thrive on it. they vote based on fear, not hope. what I wouldn't give for them to vote for the person that they believe in - the person that is going to make things better for them. instead, they vote against people. they are scared of change, they are scared of candidates that are open-minded enough to go against the system. and they are unimpressed by those that are honest and sincere. I have seen it time and time again because I have been fortunate enough to work for candidates that are great people. they were actually honest and sincere, and they had America's best interests at heart. they would have made a very positive impact on our government. but, they always lose...

I will admit that voters have probably been negatively tainted by the way politicians have acted, and that they have lost faith, and for good reason. but, that isn't what matters. we could go back and forth all day about how we got where we are, but, what we really need to talk about is what we can do to change things...

now, that aside, and I know I might get blasted for this, and I will also admit that I am a bit ashamed of it, but - I LOVE campaigns, elections, and politics. I thrive on it. and - I am good at it. I know how the system works and I have learned how to manipulate it. I do want to be a political consultant. now, I either want this because I am a bad person that somehow thrives on all of this nonsense and see this as a legit way to deceive, strategize and manipulate, or I want it because I am smart and I know the only way I can make a difference is from the top. my hope is to climb my way up and become the democratic Karl Rove, and then do what I can with my power and influence to make the changes that both of us want to see. I hope I can do it. we'll see how it goes if I ever get there.

as far as the two-party system goes, I actually like it. I do know that because of it, there will never be a party that anyone completely agrees with, BUT - hear me out. there are usually two sides to an argument. at least there are two sides that the average person can understand. I know there can be more, but the majority of people only understand or care about the two major ones. so, having two parties makes it less complicated and easier on the American people. also, I love that power goes back and forth between the two parties. both parties have strenths, and the strengths of one overcome the weaknesses of the other. so, the republicans have had power for 12 years and have done the good that they can, and now the democrats are going to come in and do the good that they can, recovering where the republicans were weak, or messed up. it sort of balances out. it takes a lot of time, and costs a lot of money, but it sort of works out in the end... that is a VERY brief and shallow explanation of how I feel about it. these are the thoughts running around in my head during this election cycle. that, and pure bliss and excitement for the results tomorrow!

boo!

it's Halloween. everyone around me is getting lost in corn mazes, dressing up, peeing their pants at haunted houses and living it up at parties. but I'm just not feeling it this year. I would rather spend my time consulting with Steve on a state senate race we have been working on for Bethanie Newby, an amazing candidate, or watching MSNBC and CNN, reading the paper, or browsing these websites: The New York Times Maps, articles by my former boss The Famous Chuck Todd, and the blog at my past employer, the only one I miss and regret leaving, The Hotline. I sill hold on to the hope that I will work there again one day...

call me a nerd, but this election is monumental! at least for me. my party is fianlly going to take control again! it will be the first time since I made my debut in the political world. for the past 6 years, 4 of which I was working on numerous campaigns and democratic platforms, we have had to wallow in the Republican shadow, looking like a bunch of powerless, weak fools. so, to say the least, this election day is going to give me plenty of reason to celebrate, but until then, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe - I'm so excited! but, I am so used to losing and being disappointed that I'm not allowing myself to get my hopes up too high. on november 7th, the results will be in, and I will finally exhale and celebrate! but, not for too long because it will then be time to get to work on getting a dem in the door of the white house in 2 years.

right on target

the only coat I have ever loved I got in the fourth grade. It was a stone-washed levi zip-up jacket with teal and purple shapes sewn onto it. I know - hideous!! but, back then, it was to die for! all of my friends wanted one and everyone in school was envious. I seriously wore it every day, all day, even when it started getting warm. since then, every coat I have owned has been something just to keep me warm until I find one I love. well, I'm here to announce that i finally found it!!! in fact, I'm wearing it right now! hooray for me! I am all about bold colors in very simple plain styles. so, as you can see, this one is just that. and, I found it at my favorite store in the world - Target. although I love the store, I never expected to find something there that I loved this much. so, let's give it up for Target everybody! your sense of style and the fact that you are better than wal-mart in all aspects of the corporate world have made you my hero for years. long live Target.

me versus the universe

I am not kidding. the universe is constantly working against me! why does the universe care so much about me? why did it choose me to torture? ...the key that opens our mail box gets stuck every day and almost cuts my finger every time I have to force it. the heel on my left shoe is extra slippery and I almost fall on my ass at least twice a day. my nails break to a painfully short length just as soon as they start to look good. my mascara brush loves to leave black marks on my nose. my shower head refuses to separate the showers of water like it is supposed to and I usually end up with just one big stream heaving at my head. I still get zits at the ripe age of 25. nobody can pronounce or spell my last name, and sometimes even my first. my bag gets stuck on my armrest almost every time I try to take it out of my car and causes me to fling my sunglasses or my CDs all over the front seat. I could go on...

yesterday my boss and I missed our flight. now, james flies all the time and he has NEVER missed his flight before. I just know it was because I was with him! from the moment we walked in the front door of the office that morning, the universe started its antics. all of a sudden james started receiving important phone calls he had been waiting on for days and my email wasn't allowing me to send those important last minute messages. when we finally got in the car, we got stuck behind a diesel that took up two lanes and was moving slower than cold tar. at the airport, there were no parking spots in the lot. the security line was double the average. and finally, our gate had been changed to the one located out in BFE, which we didn't discover until we were trying to get in the wrong line. ...trust me, this kind of nonsense goes on around me all the time! there are definitely more examples.

the LSAT was one major one. it didn't take a lot of little problems to screw this up, just one big one. I studied like crazy for 2 months, discarding my social life, and am still trying to recover. my sores were always pretty good, the average of them was what I was aiming for. but something majorly wrong happened to my brain on test day, and when I got my score back today, it reaffirmed my worries. it seems impossible that I scored that low. I dind't even get that low on the first practice test I took before I started studying! come one, we all know I am smart, so what happened? then there was my car accident. that ticket, plus the deposit for repairs took up all my money that I was going to use for the application process. and on top of that, the professor that was supposed to write the best recomendation in the world for me is no longer responding to my emails. I think the universe is telling me to stay the hell away from law school... am I right, or am I right?

I'm recently realizing it isn't just me though, that we all feel this way about our lives, all of our lives are stressful and msesed up, and it has made me feel less important. my perspective is changed forever. and even though I see myself as smaller in the universe, all of these things are majorly important to me. does this make me selfish? hmmm...

a streetcar named desire

I may be the only person to ever wish this, but when I went to pick up my rental car today, I was chanting over and over in my head the words "please bless its a crappy car, please bless its a crappy car." and then the worst that could happen did. I love my rental! and now I want it... you see, I have been wanting to trade my car in for several months now and it has taken every ounce of energy I have to keep myself from doing so. so, the last thing I need is a nice car that fuels that desire! I only have 2 years and 4 months left until mine is paid off, and by then I am hoping to be in my first year of law school, so I really need to not have a car payment at that time...

I get bored of cars really fast. and I blame this on my scandalous car ownership past... my frist car was a 1985 Chevy Sprint. I had it for a total of 6 weeks before a moth tricked me into driving it off a cliff on the way to school. needless to say, it was totalled. I loved that car too. It was tiny and cute and it got 50 mpg! ...my second car was a 1989 VW Fox. I had that one for about 6 months and then a driver in the other lane swerved toward me, forcing me to drive off my side of the road. the axle was ruined. luckily I sold it to a junkyard for enough money to pay it off. ...my third car was a 1986 Oldsmobile 88. I LOVED that car! mostly because I bought it from an ex long distance boyfriend and it ended up getting us back together and giving us a reason to keep in touch for quite a while - not to metion the fact that we christened it ;) awww, memories. he was one of those white boys that wished he were black, so it was pimped out all gangsta style! haha! I enjoyed it. can you even imagine me driving that? it brings a smile to my face. I've come a long way since then. I had that one for a little over a year and the transmission went out during my freshman year at SUU. I then traded it in at a junkyard for my fourth car - a 1988 Cadillac! this car was sooooo ugly, but me and my roommates loved it. we even gave it a nickname - sonic. there is a pretty funny story that goes along with that, but we'll save that for a different post. that one lasted me about a year and a half, and then the electic windows stopped working (with some of the windows down) and then the engine blew. ....that summer I bought my fifth car, a 1997 Ford Thunderbird. it was a really good car, and it lasted me 2 years, including 2 trips across the country and back, time in DC, the campaign in Iowa, and my church history trip. I ended up giving that one to my mom in order to help her out when hers broke down, and she still drives it! it is in great condition.

that is when I bought my sixth and current car - my 2003 Mitsubishi Galant. I really like my car, but I have had it for 2 years and 10 months and I am itching for something newer, better, and prettier! I think this might be a lesson I really need to teach myeslf though. I need to stick with this car - it runs well, I like it, it serves my needs. I don't need to keep up with the Joneses. why do I feel the need to do so anyway? I was raised in a tiny town in a VERY poor family that lived on WIC, food stamps, church welfare, and the county food bank. has being out of that situation for 7 years, getting an education, and already earning more money than my parents changing me that much? if so, I really need to take a step back and re-evaluate myself...

losing my religion

okay, time for a serious post... I love being a Mormon. I love that I know where I came from, why I am here, and where I am going. I love the peace this gospel brings into my life. but mostly, I LOVE temples. look at how beautiful the salt lake temple is! I love what goes on in there and I love how close I feel to God when I attend. I love the covenants I made with God, and I love what keeping those covenants does for my life. but lately I feel like temples are the only thing keeping me going.

I remember when I was younger, especially when I was in young women's and my frist couple of years in the relief society of a student ward. back then, I thrived on everything the church said. the only reasoning I ever needed for anything was, "because the prophet said so." but now, its not that simple for me. I wonder if this is part of growing up, and faith changes with sophistication, or if I am indeed losing my religion. I really hope thats not the case, because I love it, and I never want to let it go. but, sometimes it has lost its charm. Not that it needs charm, but it seems to be missing something that I need. ....maybe it is just my inquisitive nature finally coming out, but I need more things explained than I used to. things aren't black and white to me anymore. And I find myself frustrated at times that we are told that things just are black and white, that they just are. I believe things are more complex than that. God is more complex than that, and maybe I won't fully understand it all until the next life, but what am I supposed to do until then??

cabin fever

I spent the weekend with one of my best friends at his family's cabin at Strawberry Reservoir. this was my third trip up there this year. it was a great time. I always love spending time with Steve, and this weekend I realized we have been friends for 6 years. wow! time sure flies... when you're having fun that is! and seriously, the location of their cabin is amazing. it is sooooooo beautiful up there. it was refreshing, and if it wasn't for the fact that we were having too much fun to sleep, I would feel completely refreshed today. here are some pics of how beautiful it is:




anyway, Steve and I are political buddies. well, our friendship is obviously deeper than that, but we share political beliefs, we both worked on the Gephardt for President campaign (I was in Iowa, he was in New Mexico), we lived in DC together, and we were both involved in all things democratic politics at SUU. so, naturally, when we are together we talk politics. Its actually great to have someone to talk to that thinks and reads the same things I do. :) we are both fascinated by elections and have worked on numerous campaigns, so our main topic of discussion was how the elections are going to turn out next month. we are both dying for Ds to regain power (and no, not just to win the bet I made with my Grandpa). I will be the first to admit that both parties are corrupt, but damn! look at all the scandal the Republican party has surrounded itself with over the past couple years. Jack Abramoff, Bob Ney, Duke Cunningham, Tom DeLay, THE IRAQ WAR, and now Mark Foley. if they don't lose control of at least the House this election, I will have lost all faith in American voters (and that is something that has been hard to bring back after I lost it at the 2004 Iowa Caucus). if all of this doesn't cut it, I don't know what would. for a party that seems to claim stake on all things moral, they sure do come with a lot of "sin". ...these seem to be dark days for the Republican party, I just hope November proves that it actually is. I guess that is one great thing about America - no one party can stay in complete power for too long. at least I hope so anyway.

anyway, that is my political rant for now. I better get back to the corporate advertising drudgery...

crash

I was involved in a minor accident a couple days ago. I'm still convinced that it wasn't entirely my fault and wish I had the energy and motivation to fight it in court, but the damage was very minimal so I will probably just suck it up. but, the facts still stand - the other driver was speeding, it was raining, he hydroplaned. he was also driving without his license, yet, I was the only one cited, and now the damage all rests on my insurance... anyway, whatever.

this whole thing has me thinking about a certain favorite movie of mine - crash. my friend Kelly and I went to the premier in DC and were able to meet some of the cast - Michael Pena, Brendon Frazier, and the writer/director. at first I thought this experience was the reason I loved the movie so much, but as time has moved on, I realize that it is just an amazing movie and totally deserved movie of the year, which it did get. ...anyway, one of the many themes of the movie is that we crash into one another sometimes just to make contact with another human. whether it be into a car, person to person, with your shopping cart, or with an object like a ball, we all subconsciously make contact with others. ...sometimes I feel really lonely, but I am not sure that my loneliness acts up subconsciously like that. but, then again, how would I know? ...so, was this crash a result of my recent loneliness? or was it just hard luck? I'm hoping hard luck, because I am too proud to admit that I am really that lonely...

free time once again

you know the feeling you get for the first few days after a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders? well, that is the feeling I have right now. I took the LSAT on Saturday. its over. finally. since then, whenever I have a free minute or two, I breathe an audible sigh of relief when I realize I don't have to grab my study books and get to work. I took advantage of my free day on Sunday by sleeping, watching conference, and flipping through the channels all day. it was great! kind of made my Monday a little groggy, but still, totally worth it. ...when I went grocery shopping last night I didn't have to rush through the store. I took my time and wandered around picking up odds and ends that have been neglected the past two monhts as my head has been burried in books. watching Studio 60 last night wasn't accompanied by painful feelings of guilt. if this is what going back to school full time is going to be like, you might as well count me out right now. I think I have taken advantage of the free time we all have just because we don't have homework looming over our heads anymore.

...I was taking my time in the produce section last night, and one of the stock boys kept coming over to say hello. now, I'm not one of those people that hates greeters or friendly employees, but this kid seriously came up to me 5 or 6 different times while I was there, and just in the produce section. the store wasn't empty, there were plenty of customers. I have no idea why he singled me out like that. it was so uncomfortable for me that I ended up leaving the produce section without my plums... what was the deal? ....so weird. I definitely know he wasn't interested in getting my digits.

...on a side note, I LOVE FALL! I was able to drive out to Tooele Satruday afternoon to attend my cousin's birthday party. we went up Settler's Canyon and played around in a creek and the Fall leaves. it was so beautiful! now that I have free time, I need to drive up Cottonwood or Emmigration Canyon and take it all in. I will post pictures from these events as soon as I get them developed. yes, its sad, but true - my digital camera drowned in the creek at Memory Grove this summer and I haven't had the heart to replace it yet. and by heart, I mean funds of course... :)

okay, back to the grind...

3 weddings, 3 babies, and a funeral

so, this year been quite an adventure! I guess most years are, but these particular events have got me thinking. they have all altered my life somehow, taught me something, got me thinking differently, etc. okay, so, lets start with the three weddings -

first - my best friend Jackie. she was the last of my best friends from college I expected to get married. not because she isn't a great catch, because she definitely is, josh is one of the luckiest guys on the planet, but it just wasn't a priority for her, which as we all know, is very odd for a girl. especially a mormon one. she is one of the best people I have ever met and will always hold a very special place in my heart. we lived together all four years of college, shared a room for three of them, and have remained extremely close ever since, even though she moved to vegas for pharmacy school and I moved back east to dc for my own adventure. I can't remember a wedding I was happier to be at or more emotional about. she and josh have a great life ahead of them and once I got over my little bit of jealousy I was bursting from the seams with joy for them...

second - my little sister. I wish I could say I was happy about this one, but it is about the opposite of how I felt about Jackie. first of all, nobody was invited to the wedding, just my little brother who was asked to be the witness, and it was kept a secret for a couple months. this sister has had a particularly hard life and has made quite a few wrong turns, but I always hoped she would find happiness. I don't see it happening here, but stranger things have happened... I hope I am wrong about this guy that she married, but so far, he has done nothing but bad and wrong... and it is more than likely that he will be serving some time behind bars pretty soon...

third - my mom ... this one was particularly hard because I felt a combination of both. its hard to see your mom get remarried, but its even harder when you don't like the guy she's marrying. I have wanted nothing more my entire life for my mom than for her to be happy. she keeps telling me that she is happy with jeff, so I try to believe her and be happy for her. and part of me is genuinely happy for her. but, part of our relationship died that day. it felt like a real loss.

baby 1 - my best friends, one of the greatest couples I have ever met, had a baby boy a few months ago. he is beautiful! I loved him like he was my blood relative. they are a perfect little family. the perfect example of what I am striving for. but, the baby made me start to hear my biological clock ticking! haha! maybe it is a good thing they moved back east for law school...

baby 2 - one of my roommates from college is going to have a baby next month. I threw her a baby shower last week. she is the first of us (college roommates) to have a baby. I'm excited for her, and hope I don't hear the biological clock again...

baby 3 - my sister whose marriage I am more than concerned about recently told me she is 6 weeks pregnant. I'm going to be an aunt! wow... not to put a damper on the mood, but I have honestly wondered if I will end up raising this child. I am definitely up to it, but I think it is sad to bring a baby into the world with these kinds of concerns surrounding its life. my whole family is concerned, and since I have pretty much been the mom - or at least the responsible one - I'm sure it will be my burden. probably the first one I would gladly welcome, but a sad one to admit...

the funeral - okay, so I didn't actually attend this funeral, but one of my best friends had a recent suicide in his family and it threw me for a loop. he was young and left behind a wife and three beautiful kids. it made me realize several things - you never know when someone you love is going to be gone, and sometimes you never know how much someone is suffering inside. its important to care about these things and other people, never let yourself become too selfish. a single life is more important than anyone can imagine... and I want to make mine count...