back from down under

Australia was amazing! it was amazing! let's see if I can do it justice with this post because that picture certainly doesn't. the flights were not fun. the 16 hour flight from LA to Sidney was a killer, and my legs and feet were actually seriously swollen. I will spare you the scary pictures. it was painful too, and we had to run to our flight from Sidney, which hurt like no other, and we missed our flight anyway. total travel time from Salt Lake to our hotel in Port Douglas was 30 hours! not fun. but, the good news when we got to Cairnes was this amazing bright purple Commodore that we picked up from Hertz! that, on top of learning how to drive on the wrong side of the road and wrong side of the car, attracted a lot of attention. we had fun with it. the drive along the coast, which I drove several times, was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. we were in North Queensland, mostly in Cairnes, Port Douglas and Palm Cove. we were a stone's throw away from the great barrier reef the daintree rain forest, and several amazing islands. our hotel was great. we stayed at the five-star sheraton mirage in Port Douglas, right on the beach, but also surrounded by beautiful pools and lagoons. we had a private dinner on a boardwalk island in the middle of the lagoons the first night, we took everyone river rafting in the rain forest the second day, we gave them plenty of free time to go to the reef, and we took them to flames of the forest for dinner the last night.
which was amazing! there was a jungle man that blew fire and led us to the dinner, amazing food, and real Aboriginees that told stories and played the Didgeridoo afterwards. It was amazing! let's see... Janiel had a gecko in her room the first day. it was cute! and it was hilarious watching the little Asian boy try to catch it! haha! ...I ate some of the BEST seafood I have ever had, and I'm not sure it can be topped. the butter fish at Salsa was to die for! I also had kangaroo, which was absolutely disgusting. tough and ridiculously gamey. oh, and vegemite? the most repulsive thing I have ever tasted. seriously folks, I almost lost my lunch. ...Aussies are some of the nicest people you will ever meet, and the way they talk is adorable! they shorten almost every word and add "y" or "ie" to the end of it. barby. sunnies. swimmies. breaky. so cute! and just so much more cheerful than the US. I spent too much money. the markets on Sunday mornings in Port Douglas are pretty great. I also bought entirely too much candy and brought it home for everyone to try, which has been fun. I love these road signs, they always made me laugh, and the top one took me forever to figure out. you get a gold star if you can. I can't wait to go again. the painfully long flights are worth it. I am still in shock about how lucky I am to have this job. there is no way I will ever be able to afford to go on my own, but if any of you can, definitely do it!

hurricane humberto

okay, its been a really long time and I have a lot of things to write about, but I couldn't pass this title up. I'm sure you have heard about Hurricane Humberto on the news, its a sad story, I always hate hurricane season. not to make light of the situation for sure, but when I saw the hurricane's name on the TV screen I couldn't help but laugh. Hurricane Humberto could be the title of my life right now, the theme. my boyfriend, Rob, of more than a year's given name is Humberto Sanjuan. he changed his name to Robert a few years ago. anyway, I guess we "broke up" a few weeks ago, and the events that have occurred in it's wake really have felt like a hurricane just wrecking my life. ...I thought we were happy, things were going really well. we had just gotten over a small bump in the road, and things were good. I was about to move and become homeless for a few weeks until my apartment was ready, and he was excited to let me stay with him, and so was I.

two days before I had to move, I needed a different jack to change my tire so I called him. his phone was off. I left a message and sent a txt, but never heard back. I called the next day, same thing. phone off. I was homeless. so, I called some other friends and stayed with them for 2 nights before I headed to Australia (details of which will be in the next post, I swear). so, the next night after another phone call and an ignored email, I showed up at his place and knocked on the door a few times. he was there, but didn't answer. so, I went to Australia for 10 days, and never heard a word. I was in touch with his best friend and my new friend Leiner who told me he was doing the same to him. a couple days after I got back, rested from the jet lag, got out of the crystal inn and found a place to stay, I tried calling again, no answer. I emailed him, to be honest, it was kind of a harsh email, but who can blame me. two hours later he txted me and said, "I'm ok, and I'm not mad at you. I'm sorry for everything." I was confused, and tried to get more out of him, but he was more interested in asking me how my day was and how Australia was. frustrated out of my mind, I stopped answering his txts. the next night he txted again to see how I was. he was sick. I frankly didn't care much, so they were short texts. then I didn't hear from him for about another week.

when I talked to Leiner last week he told me that he found out that Rob has been dating his wife - their divorce isn't final. and when he confronted him about it, Rob didn't say much and they haven't spoken since. I was furious. not just for me, but for Leiner too. I still can't believe he would do that to his best friend. the one he has always considered the brother he never had. so, I went to his apartment, he was there, I pounded on the door. he didn't answer. I pounded again, no answer. I called, he ignored it. so, I left... in tears. I cried for a while, maybe an hour or two, but then I swore I wouldn't waste any more tears on him, and I haven't cried again.

I can't explain how I feel. without going into too much detail of private information, I gave him more than anyone else I have ever dated. I gave him my all. I trusted him when my gut told me to be more careful. I was extremely patient with the smaller than baby steps he was taking with me, even though it was sometimes hurtful. I did everything he asked me to, I was ALWAYS there for him, no matter what. I wanted to be with him, I was sure he was the one, and I did everything I knew it would take to make sure things worked. so, as you can imagine, I feel taken advantage of. I feel sort of abused. but, mostly I feel very very unloved. he told me he loved me, and there were many times he showed it and I believed him, but I have every reason to believe he was lying. every few days I learn something new, something he lied to me about. it has been a whirlwind, and it really does feel like a hurricane.

right now I'm not sure I'm ever going to date again. life is moving on, and is good most of the time. I still LOVE my job, and the new apartment is great, and so is living with Amber and Holly. I may have the energy to start rebuilding my life and my self-esteem, and self worth. I am going to be more than ok, I am sure of it. in the meantime, I just hope the storm subsides and I make it to shore ok...

resolution update!

this morning I realized that I really am going to accomplish my new year's resolutions!! how exciting is that? I have never done this before! I guess I really am turning a new leaf. anyway, lets do an update:

* get a passport and two stamps. my passport arrived in the mail today, and by mid October I will have a stamp from Australia and a stamp from the Bahamas!! I'm going on a cruise to the Bahamas in October with a couple of my best friends, which will be amazing! but also, next month I am also going to Australia for 10 days for work. trust me, its not going to be a boring work trip, this is a party trip for some of our best Australia demonstrators, so its going to be playing and fun the whole time! which brings me to my next resolution:

* make my catering and events dreams come true. we have done 5 catering jobs this year, which I think is pretty good for being so small and relying on word of mouth. lets hope we get more calls... and for events, I did it! my new job is doing event planning full time for Stampin' Up! not only is it an amazing company that I have loved for a long time, but I am doing events! I couldn't be any happier about it, and it also brings me to the third and final resolution:

* become more financially stable. my new job came with a 20% increase in salary and better benefits! I have a company card and cell phone, so I won't need to worry about those expenses coming out of pocket anymore either. have I mentioned how amazing this all is? ;) something else just came up a couple days ago that will probably end up paying off my car, which would be great!! I am keeping my fingers crossed.

wow, talk about finding motivation after I thought all was lost! I am tempted to add some more resolutions, but since the first one won't technically be completed until the end of October, I will give myself a rest until January. although, I have given myself a few goals in the relationship department, but I will save that for a different post...

movin on up with Stampin' Up!

Well, I finally did it! I found a great event job that pays more than my current job! And not only is it a great event job working with a company that is all about one of my favorite hobbies, but I will get to do a ton of traveling all over the US, Canada, New Zealand and Australia! Talk about a good break! I am sad to be leaving Redirect because I really like all of my coworkers and I've been here a while, but it was sort of a no-brainer... Anyway, I start the first of July, so feel free to celebrate on my behalf. ;)

In other news, I have become a guardian for the summer. My little 16 year old sister got in trouble and got sent up here to live with Amber and me as punishment. haha! We are having a good time with her, but it has been pretty hard. I'm not used to being responsible for someone else, especially not someone that isn't very trustworthy, doesn't have their own means of transportation or any money. It should turn out to be a fun summer. At least I will have some sort of perparation for motherhood. So, basically I spend all of my time either with Rob or my sisters just hanging out and enjoying the warm weather. I really hope winter never comes again...

wow!

okay, so I am pretty far behind on this thing... it has been a crazy month. I got really really bad strep throat and was out for 3 days. it was the WORST sick I had been in like, 10 years! I had to get a penicillin shot in my butt! that hurt. so, I got better, and got to work at the wedding that weekend, which was amazing!! Jacque is an amazing wedding planner, and Red Butte Gardens is beautiful! but then my strep came back the next day. I could not be sick since we were leaving for Seattle to see the baby in a few days, so I got some more penicillin... that week we had my cousin's wedding and then we went to Pirates 3 that night, then left for Seattle at 5 AM the next morning. we took my car and all of us crammed in there: Dad, me, Amber, Brett and Rachel. we drove 13 hours that day, and despite my lack of sleep, we had a pretty good time. my dad wouldn't let me drive, but also wouldn't let me sleep, so we found fun things to do to entertain us.

Seattle is the most beautiful place! I have always known I would love it, and I have always wanted to live there, but, WOW! Stacy, Wayne and Nynaeve have a beautiful home, and we had a great time the frist night just holding the baby and hanging out. Nyanaeve is beautiful! and so perfect! I never wanted to let her go. its still so wierd that Stacy has a baby. anyway, we had a barbecue and had a great time. the next morning we got up and took family pictures in their yard. aren't we a hot bunch?! and then we headed to Seattle where we went to Pike Market Place and watched them throw fish, ate some samples of smoked salmon, checked out all the fresh produce and flowers, people-watched, bought some tshirts, and then headed to the waterfront. Seattle is amazing! we had a great time downtown. we then drove out to a Dick's Burgers and had some lunch before we headed back to the house for a rest. after letting Nynaeve and Grandpa rest for a little while we headed to the mall for a little shopping and then out to dinner at a little diner in Renton. I really could not get enough of the baby.... I'm sure you can see why!

so, the next morning we went out for breakfast, packed up and then headed for Boise. we got there around 7:30 and had dinner with my uncle Perry and his wife Kody and then stayed there that night. it was good to see them. it has been a really long time. the next morning my cousin Michelle came over with her kids, who I'm not sure we had ever met. they were adorable and we had a fun time with them. and then we headed back for Utah. we got to my house around 5 PM, and I really thought I was going to kill someone the last few hours in the car. next time, I am FLYING!! :) we still all had a great time with eachother, but being crammed up for that long can be pretty freakin annoying! ...Rachel stayed with us that night, we went out to dinner and then watched the Jazz get their trash kicked before heading to bead. we were exhausted. anyway, so now its back to normal. just working, being really tired, going to more wedding receptions, and trying to make things work with Rob. we seem to be going through a rough patch. I sort of think its just him though, and I need to be patient and understanding. either way, this week has been emotionally exhausting and I cannot wait to sleep this weekend! :)

I'm an AUNT!!

my little sister had her baby yesterday!! Its a GIRL! her name is Nynaeve Everyn McIntosh (odd, but its definitely growing on me). they live in Seattle, and I can't make it up there until memorial weekend, which is a bummer, but my mom sent a couple pictures with her phone and I can tell she is adorable! this is a big one for our family - Nynaeve is the first grandchild in our immediate family, and the first great-grandchild on my mom's side of the family! anyway, its exciting! I'm so happy about and for my little sister right now. she seems genuinely happy and is doing really well. I miss her a lot, its hard having her so far away. when I first moved back to Utah 2 years ago, we lived together for a while and became pretty close. watching her make huge life decisions during that time was really hard on me and I learned some tough lessons. and now here she is all grown up! sometimes I feel like she is even more grown up than I am! haha! being married and having a kid seems to do that to people... anyway, I'm excited to start spoiling my new niece! I already have a list in my head of what I am going to buy her!!

almost famous

one of my friends that I used to work with out in DC now writes for the Washington Times. and because he is awesome, and knows how awesome I am, he quoted me in an article he wrote yesterday! so, if you want to know a little about how I feel about Bush and the war, check it out here:

No one is neutral on Bush war veto

my heart

Margaret Kennedy said, "It is better to break one's heart than to do nothing with it." well, I don't know about that, but I do know that I have learned a TON from all of my past relationships. I guess that does make it worth it. but, man, has it been rough! I have learned a lot, but I am also really tainted and scarred! and that makes it really hard to take more chances. I'm going to do it though. I have to. how will I ever get what I want if I don't? hopefully I will keep doing things right and this story will finally have a happy ending...

just ahead...

I got a call on Thursday night with the best news I had heard in a LONG time. Steve invited me to go to his family's cabin at Strawberry Reservoir with him for the weekend! It was actually pretty much what I had been praying for for a few days! it was so great! I really needed some time to just chill and relax and ignore my cell phone. and it is so beautiful up there! look at how cute we are too! we had a great time.

so, I have a lot to look forward to lately! things aren't exactly a bowl of cherries right now, but in about 2 weeks I am catering another wedding. this time its a lunch and I'm very excited! then two weeks after that I get to assist with a very high profile 2-day wedding here at Red Butte Gardens. Martha Stewart Weddings is going to be here photographing it! I can't wait! a couple days later is little Sam Crawford's first birthday party! yay! I can't wait to see them! my most favorite people in the world will finally be here to visit for a few weks. then the weekend after that is my cousin's wedding, and he is marrying my friend from college that I set him up with, so that will be fun, and then the next day we are driving to Seattle for a few days to see my sister and her new baby and we will be stopping in Idaho to see some relatives we haven't seen in a while. so, it should be a fun month! but, my sister's baby is breech, so she has to have a c-section on May 7. she and my mom are upset about it, and my mom is flying out there the day before and staying for a week, but I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just sad that I have to wait almost 3 weeks to see them.

my housing situation is still up in the air. my landlord might actually want us to stay for another year now, instead of selling the house. which would be nice because I HATE moving, but on the other hand, I would love to move into a bigger better place. especially with more kitchen space... and my lease ends the end of May, so those few days could turn out to be a disaster. so, we'll see what happens. anyway, I can't wait to be an aunt! I'm too old not to be one!

what about me?

remember when you were growing up and everyone was always talking about how you didn't know who you were yet and you had a lot to learn and figure out about yourself? I always thought they were full of crap! I never understood how someone could not know themself. I mean, we are the only ones in our own heads 24/7, right? well, yeah, but I now know what they were talking about. at 26 I feel like I have a good handle on who I am, what I want, what I am going to do, how I react to things, etc. but, I still surprise myself sometimes. I still get those light bulb "aha" moments when I learn new something new about myself. ...this weekend I disappeared to St. George. I spend a lot of time with my family, it always feels good to be around the people that love you the most no matter what. I did my little sister's hair for prom, as well as two of her friends. I got the windows in my car tinted. went to a movie... I also spent a lot of time alone reflecting and trying to figure out how to handle a situation that developed the night before I took off. I know that one of the things about me is that I am a self-sacrificer and those close to me always come before myself. I also know that in the battlefield of love I am usually quick to surrender without too much of a fight. that is probably my problem. so, not anymore! I am going to come first this time. I am goign to fight for what I want, what I deserve. and I am not going to give up until the fat lady sings... :) anyway, in the meantime, I have been answering those questionaires that get sent around through email and myspace, just to prove that I know myself and that I am a pretty awesome person! so, here are some of those questions just for you:

What is your favorite thing to wear? - My PJs
Last thing you ate? - a bottle of water... and a couple bites of a banana
I say Shotgun, you say? - Bang! Whats up with that thang? I wanna know... (you better know that song!)
Last person you hugged? - Rob, last night
How many U.S states have you been to? - Around 28 or so.
How many of the U.S states have you lived in? - 4: Utah, Virginia, Iowa, and Ohio
Does anyone you know want to date you? - yeah... too bad I'm not into him. that would be convenient
Who/What made you angry today? - when I thought about what happened three days ago (we won't go into details)
Favorite type of Food? - Thai and Japanese, sushi
Favorite holidays - I'm not really into holidays anymore. unless I get paid days off from work for them.
Do you download music? - yes, I'm kind of obsessed with iTunes
Do you care if your socks are dirty? - yes! as everyone should. sick...
Do you love anyone? - yes. a little too much as it turns out...
Do you like George Bush? - no. hell no.
Have you ever bungee jumped? - Nope and I never will.
Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? - yes, a few times. it can be flattering, bt it can also be creepy and scary.
How much money do you have in your pocket? - I don't have pockets right now, but I never keep money in my pockets anyway, that is what a wallet is for.
What are you listening to right now? - my iTunes is on shuffle. right now its the Dixie Chicks... oh, wait, now its Jimmy Buffet
What is your current fav song? - Easy Silence by The Dixie Chicks and Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
What was the last movie you watched? - I watched two last night to keep my mind occupied. Reign Over Me and Blood Diamond. both good.
Do you wear contacts? - Yes and will for a couple more years until I can pay for lasik
What are you afraid of? - getting hurt, being alone for the rest of my life. heights.
How many piercings have you had? - 7. all in my years. I'm down to two now...
How many pets do you have? - None. not a fan of animals. ...don't judge me!
What's one thing you've learned? - I'm learning a huge lesson right now, I Just haven't quite figured out what it is going to be yet. but I could write a book about everything I have learned.
What do you usually order from Starbucks? - chai latte. sometimes with sugarfree almond flavoring. YUMMY
Have you ever fired a gun? -yes. I'm a hick. haha
Are you missing someone? - yes. a few people actually. but one person in particular. very very much
Fav. TV show? - Gray's Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters, What About Brian, Desperate Housewives, Scrubs, The Office... I watch way too much TV
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? - growing up I was constantly told I looked like Sandra Bullock, its even in my year book a few times. I don't think so anymore though
Favorite movie of all time?: - wow, I don't have one of all time. but, I do watch Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Planner and Spanglish way too much. oh, and I LOVE The Count of Monte Cristo
Do you find yourself loved? - not really. mostly just by my family. that is what is killing me right now. pretty sad, right?
Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? - all. I love popcorn in almost any way
What Magazines are you reading? - Martha Stewart Living and Martha Stewart Weddings. shouldn't it ask about books? come on! I am reading The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
Have you ever ridden in a limo?: - no, I actually haven't... never thought about that.
What's something that really bugs you? - when I am lied to. and when I don't know the answer to something and can't find it. fake people, selfish people. when someone acts like they know something that they really know nothing about.
Do you like Michael Jackson? - love his music. used to love him when I was growing up. sometimes I just think he is a sad misunderstood guy.
What's your favorite smell? - rain in the desert. freshly baked bread. Rob...
Favorite baseball team? - DC Nationals! heck yes! although I can't say I actually follow it
Favorite cereal? - Cracklin Oat Bran
What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? - 36 hours. Election Day 2004 for work. yeah, it was the craziest work day ever!
Last time you went bowling? - about a year ago for a company party
Where is the weirdest place you have slept? - the hall floor of my high school I think...
Who was your last phone call? - the secretary at my dentist's office to confirm my appointment... sad! but the peson before that was my mom.
Last time you were at work? - right now! haha! I'm a slacker
I WANT: Companionship, love and less drama
I ALWAYS: expect too much
I AM NOT: perfect...
I DANCE: salsa on cruise ships! but usually when nobody can see me.
I SING: In the shower, in the car, or whenever the music is loud.
I CRY: way too much! it always makes me feel better though
I AM NOT ALWAYS: polite
I WIN: when I play Dr. Mario or Tetris against anyone else!
I SHOULD: seriously stick to a diet!
First Best Friend: Pamela Johnson
First Crush: Patrick
First Real Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Patrick... or Adam Robison, I can't remember...
First Date: I really can't remember. I started way too young... I think it was when I went to Huntington with Adam to meet his family when I was 15.
First Kiss: Patrick
First Album/CD: Wilson Phillips and The Lost Boys soundtrack! yeah baby!
First Piercing/Tattoo: My mom pierced my ears when I was like 2. and I will never have a tattoo!
First True Love: Dustin Anderson
First Enemy: April Blackburn! she was a real bitch! nobody since then though. just her.
First Time Dying My Hair: Black in 7th grade...
First Formal Dance: My Junior Prom, with Billy Jeffrey who died in an accident 3 years later...
First Time Breaking A Bone: I've never broken a bone! knock on wood!
First Time Getting Really Sick: I don't remember... I never got that sick growing up and its a good thing because we didn't have health insurance.
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Shit, its one of my favorite words
Last Compliment: last night he told me I was beautiful and that he missed me.
Last/Current boy/girlfriend: Its all about Rob right now
Last Kiss: Rob, last night. he is seriously the best kisser I have ever kissed. and I didn't think anyone would ever outdo Dustin!
Last Good Cry: last night when I drove away from Rob... why do relationships have to be so difficult?
Last Person That You Saw Naked Besides You: umm, I generally try to stay away from naked people...
Want to get married: definitely
Think you're a health freak: a lot more than I used to be, but no, not really
Get along with your parents: it has totally flipped. I didn't get along with my dad growing up, now we're really close and I don't get along with my mom as well.

see - I'm amazing! ;)

so this is how it feels to be 26

wow... I am 26 years old. yesterday was a pretty good day actually. I'm not going to lie, I was freaked. I wanted to flee. but, it turned out to be a pretty good day thanks to my unbelievably amazing friends and family! my co-workers took me out for sushi for lunch! YUMMY! I had been craving it for a while. and Jamie gave me a spider plant! then Rob "kidnapped" me from work for an hour later that afternoon and took me out for a drink. that was fun. when I got home my sister had gifts for me to open and cake! I get an angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream every year... I felt like a kid again. then, after spending a couple hours talking on the phone to the tons of people that called I went to Johnny Carino's for dinner with Steve, his new beau Brandon and Amber. I love the bottomless Italian sodas! and our hot waiter gave me free tiramisu for my birthday dessert! YUMMY! so, yeah, all in all it was a good day and the thought of being an old maid didn't even cross my mind. look at all that food! I should never eat again! wow...

the best part of waking up

I am a smell person. a smell can change my mood, evoke memories - good or bad, alter my thoughts. I had never found a laundry detergent that satisfied my need for pleasant smelling fabric, and I have always been disappointed about that. until now... I know this seems like paid advertising, but I assure you this is of my own free will. I LOVE the new Gain Joyful Expressions - Apple Mango Tango. I bought it last week and have been obsessively washing everything in my house. I am NOT a morning person, but my bed now smells of it and so do my towells, and let me tell you - it helps! so, anyway, if you are a smell person you should definitely try it. ...I'm worried about tomorrow morning though. I turn 26 tomorrow. I don't think the Apple Mango Tango smell of my sheets, my clothes and my towell are going to be enough to get me out of bed in the morning. I have never been effected by a birthday like this before. I am officially freaking out! I am not ready to be 26! I am having this impulse to flee. I just can't decide where. Park City to a nice hotel room and a jacuzzi? St. George to the spa and a free bed at my dad's? Vegas to the strip and my best friend's house? Flaming Gorge to the mountains and lakes? or will I just lie in my bed in a comatose state all weekend? we'll see what the day brings...

the flood

my bathroom flooded last night. water was seeping out of the floor drain for about an hour and it wouldn't stop. it was the perfect ending to a rather dreary weekend. you know those weekends where you have no plans, and nobody to make any with? you just lounge, veg, run boring errands, watch a ton of TV, sleep in, and are generally bored. I guess I can partly blame it on the fact that I didn't feel well and really needed sleep, but all in all, it was just one of those weekends.

I had a lot of time to ponder some of those questions that pop up in your mind every now and again. like, was it really the style to dress like a guy when I was in high school, or was I seriously misled? how in the world did I ever survive without the internet? better than that, how in the world did I survive growing up in Hanksville, UT? why is it that I hate yellow and why does bright highlighting hurt my eyes? why is the old lady next door so mean? why do guys think its hot to gage their ears? am I ever going to be able to open my own business? how much does my name have to do with who I turned out to be? why do people think its fun to slide down a mountain covered in snow, just to crash and hurt yourself while you are all the while wet and freezing? how many teeth do I have in my mouth? why is he ignoring me this weekend, is he mad, is he bored of me? why does my favorite sugary cereal make me sick to my stomach now? ...don't you think its about time I gave these questions the thoughtful time they deserved? if so, I guess it was a productive weekend...

anyway, its been a while since I wrote, but there seriously hasn't been anything going on. life is just rolling along right now, but I guess I should be grateful for that. oh, and yay! my little sister is due in 6 weeks. I can't wait! I am addicted to the baby section, I need to stop buying stuff... and it is frustrating that she isn't going to find out if its a boy or girl. there is only so much green and yellow stuff you can buy... I can't wait to be an aunt!! and I really can't wait to go to Seattle to see them next month...

the sacrifices I make

I cherish my sleep... and when I don't get enough I am droggy all day, I get headaches, and I am in a bad mood. I look forward to Saturday all week because it is the only day I don't have to be out the door by 8:30. lately, I have been sacrificing my sleep for some pretty important things - my job and the boy. I have been working a lot of late nights and a ton at home. and circumstances in our lives require us to spend most of our time together and on the phone late at night. and I really don't mind, except that I think maybe it is backfiring. I think the toll it is taking on me might be weighing on our relationship and my performance at work. is it worth it? worse though, am I getting old? I remember when I used to stay up EVERY night until 3 or later. and those were the days that I had to leave for school or early morning summer practice by 6:30 AM! what happened?

i'm just sayin...

okay, okay, maybe I spoke too soon about Oprah. although I did say I was sure she did some good things with her money. however, I do wonder if the tax benefits from something like that are pretty rewarding... I'm just sayin...

A to B

I have always been an A to Z thinker. I just can't help myself. I see the whole picture, I imagine the entire process from beginning to end. this is actually a great thing professionally and it has really been an asset for me in every job I have ever had. now, if I could reserve that skill for work I think I would be set, but it seems to be the way I handle every aspect of my life and it has really bit me in the butt in almost all of my relationships thus far. see, I believe the main difference between men and women is that women generally see things from A to Z and men generally see things from A to B. when I go out with someone I am not just considering a kiss at the end of the night or a second date (B) as the guy is, I am considering whether or not there is long term potential, whether I can picture myself marrying the guy (Z). talk about adding unneeded additional pressure to a first date! but, no matter how much I try to ignore that instinct it keeps pushing its way to the forefront of my thoughts. I wonder if his career path has potential, or if it is something I could live with (unlike the vet I dated... yuck). I judge his clothes, taste in music, spending habits, manners, and hobbies against mine to see if we would mesh well. and if things are okay to that point I sometimes even consider how his last name sounds with my first and whether or not our kids would be cute. this sounds crazy, right? most guys think it is, but almost all of my girlfriends admit to very similar thoughts.

I met this amazing guy last summer. he was in Iraq at the time, he is a medic in the guard, so we were limited to chatting, emails and phone calls. with most guys that wouldn't last very long, but we kept it up for 6 months and never got bored or tired of it. we always had something to talk about and we clicked like no one I had ever met before. he has been home for four months now and things have been going great. I think mostly because I have been containing the A to Z beast, or at least hiding it from him. my best friend Marti has been the one encouraging this and keeping me going. thanks, Mart. but, yesterday it reared its ugly head. he is in Venezuela right now, so conversation has been minimal for a while. when I blurted it out, it was kind of out of the blue, and I was even surprised when I said it. I guess I started slacking since he left and I'm no longer strong enough to contain it. so, I did it. I tried to force my A to Z thinking on him. he seemed to handle it well, but if I screw this one up too, I don't know if I will bounce back. I seriously don't know how people ever have successful relationships. did I ruin my chances by waiting until I had grown up before I tried to make them work? maybe I should have gone for the plunge when I was still young, clueless and impressionable so that we could grow into a relationship together... ??

I hate snow... I love snow... I hate snow

I hate snow. always have. I especially hate driving in it. there was a blizzard this morning... that was a treat. but, the problem is that it is so darn beautiful. the street I live on looks exactly like this picture right after it snows... so gorgeous! so as soon as I am done cursing the snow I get in my car, start driving and immediately begin doubting my disdain for the heavenly white flakes softly falling all around me. but, thats just it, it is only pretty to look at. I hate how cold and wet it is, I hate how scary it is to drive in it (I get headaches from the tension), I hate skiing, snowboarding, etc. but the view from my office is amazing! I can see the mountains both east and west, downtown, and a huge valley full of trees, a golf course, canyons, etc. even when it snows, and it is all covered in white, a glimpse to my right can mean endless staring and distraction from working. man, I can't wait until Spring. I actually LOVE rain. I love to see the world coming alive again. and I have a front row seat to it all. ...but, that is too far away. lets focus on something a bit closer. I can't wait until next Tuesday! yay! that is when Rob will be back, and hopefully he will save me from going to yet another family get together alone... :)

christa vs. oprah

Oprah Winfrey bothers me. she drives me crazy! its one thing to be famous and have a lot of money, but its another thing to flaunt it and waste it on ridiculous, pointless and empty parties and televisions specials. if I have it right, Oprah is the richest woman in the country. her business ventures have been very successful and are something to be proud of. but, using that money to throw glamorous parties, ceremonies, and televisions specials for other ridiculously rich, famous celebrities is something to be ashamed of. it disgusts me. now, I don't want to get up on a soap box and be preachy, but seriously, I think it is immoral for one human being to have that much money when there are thousands suffering everywhere. is it really necessary to have a 20,000 square foot house with 15 bathrooms and 17 bedrooms, a pool, a guest house, a personal chef and florist, a gym, basketball and tennis courts when there are homeless people on every street corner? how can you live with yourself in that situation?

I'm not saying Oprah doesn't do good things with her money. I know she donates to charities, but it seems extremely minimal compared to the extravagant crap she pulls all the time. why can't she at least lay low like Bill Gates? I'm not a fan of how much money he has and how easy his children and grandchildren are goin to have it forever, but at least I don't see it on TV and in magazines and newspapers every day. maybe the real problem is the media. maybe I should get off Oprah's back. maybe she really would rather do television specials that educate us and raise money for good causes but the media won't do it. who knows? all I know is that if I have to watch her spend more money and give more attention to celebrities I might fly to Chicago and throw up on her doorstep...

roller coaster ride

life feels like a roller coaster sometimes. lately it feels like that really big one at Six Flags, the old rickety one. you are moving too fast, things are coming at you unexpectedly, you aren't stable or secure, and you can't escape the feeling that if you let any single muscle in your body relax you will surely die. If I started listing everything in my life that recently came hurling toward me, it would take an eternity. I am having a hard time keeping all of them straight in my head. hopefully this ride doesn't last too long, and I come out okay.

the trolley square shooting happened approximately 10 blocks from my house. I still can't believe such a tragic event happened so close to me. who knew something like that would happen in Salt Lake City? I am extrememly blessed that neither I nor anyone close to me was there that night. ...why do things like this keep happeneing? I am starting to get worn out from reading the newspaper and watching the news. maybe I should just stop and start existing in a bubble again... hmmm...

i heart scrubs

scrubs is the BEST SHOW EVER! I am very disappointed that I only recently discovered it. I have been seriously missing out. well, I mean, I always knew about it, but never watched it until a few months ago. and now I can't get enough of it! zach braff is at the top of my celebrity crush list, but he has been since Garden State. I think my recent obsession with scrubs secured him for quite a while though. and hey, he said he would marry me on myspace... ;) anyway, life is crazy busy lately, with my full time job, catering, my part time job, my church calling, my charity volunteer work, my apartment search, and trying to keep some sort of a social life, so finding time to sit down and watch scrubs is what I look forward to. if I am home and it is on, I can't talk myself out of taking a breather, sitting down and watching it. if you don't watch it, I beg you to reconsider, you must give it a chance, you will not be disappointed!