this thing called love

growing up, my mother drilled into my head the ideal and perfect future husband. he would be educated, good looking, sweet, mature, considerate, but most of all - he would be a mormon who had served a full time mission and kept himself worthy to marry me for time and all eternity in the temple. there is nothing wrong with this goal, but I think that maybe I took it a little bit more literally than my mother had in mind. I was told to never settle, so I haven't. but, I am also scared to death of marriage so I have been subjecting myself to horrible relationships with people that don't fit that mold in order to save myself from it. however, during all of these experiences I have realized that I could be perfectly happy with someone that didn't fit that exact mold. and I find myself a little perturbed that I have been made to believe that was the only recipe for success and happiness... after all, who fits that perfect mold anyway?

I think I have pretty good judgment. and by now, I definitely know what is going to make me happy and what isn't. I think it is okay for me to redefine my ideal future husband -- don't laugh, this really is an epiphany I just had and it sucks that it took so long for me to realize it. of course my religion is extrememly important to me, and I would love it if he felt the same about that as I do, but it won't be the end of the world if he doesn't. it is more important to me that we "get" eachother, that we have a good time together, and that we are willing to stand beside eachother through everything, help eachother with our goals, and be there for eachother during our life journey.

...now, excuse me for jumping the gun, but I think I found someone that actually fits this new mold I created. he even has some extra bonuses - he is a mormon that served a full time mission, he is a veteran, and he will definitely be rolling in the dough someday. so, why is it that I am putting up a huge guard and working my pants off to make sure I don't fall for him? what is wrong with me? I know that I have been hurt, and that I don't enjoy it and so I do try to protect myself sometimes, but - I also know that I want to fall in love and be happy more than anything. I guess my emotions are playing tug-of-war. ...I hope the love side wins with this one. I'm almost too scared to let him go.