one smart and lucky girl

during my last grief therapy session we focused on bringing my best memories of dad out of hiding. this one was so good I had to immediately write it down so that I can go back to it whenever needed.

as soon as I graduated from college I packed up and moved to DC. it was my dream and I could not wait to start living it. I loved it there. it felt right. I was happy. it was the best two years of my life. but, suddenly one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that I needed to move home. the idea came out of nowhere. I intended on living in DC forever and I was very happy about it. but, once I realized that I needed to move home to be with my dad, the thought wouldn't leave me alone. it was like a cancer taking over my thoughts. so, I left my dream job, packed up my car, drove across the country and moved in with my dad in St. George.

during the 9 months or so that I lived there we had numerous long talks, pep talks and other education and philosophical adventures. I cherished every single one of them. but, there is one that stands out in particular. I was cooking dinner for my dad and brett and there was a history channel show on in the background about the historical and scientific accuracy of the bible. so, naturally, my dad and I were in a deep discussion about religion, history, science, the bible and philosophy. I both loved and hated these conversations. hated because I rarely presented arguments that my dad couldn't immediately quash. and loved because I learned so much from those conversations. I learned how to adequately speak my mind, a bunch of history, and a ton about my dad.

near the end of this conversation, just as I was plating his dinner, my dad looked at me and said, "this is why you're my favorite. you think for yourself, you aren't a sheep. and you're pretty damn smart too." ...in that moment I felt more joy and love than I ever have in my life. if I never heard a compliment again, I would be ok. he believed it and so did I. he loved me, and that was all I needed. life was good. and I was the luckiest girl in the world.

uncharted territory

For quite a while there I thought I would never post on my blog again. But I suddenly find myself in uncharted territory and in dyer need of somewhere to write about it. Writing has always helped me figure things out. It's a way to wade through the huge mess of thoughts and feelings that are overtaking me and using up all of my energy. There are things I think, but don't quite understand and things I remember and never want to forget. So... this is my place.

For the past eleven and a half years I have lived every day on edge waiting for my worst fear to come true. On January 20, 2012, my father passed away and that fear was realized. Now... everything is different. I am a different person. My life will never be the same, and I am still trying to figure out how, what, when, where, why... It's all confusing.

I was very lucky. I was able to live the first 30 years, 9 months and 9 days of my life with the most amazing father anyone could ask for. I am who I am because of him and I learned so many things that I have yet to take advantage of. I need to get it all down, burn it into my memory, never let it die. And then I need to live a life that would make my dad proud... This is what I resolve to do.

fear

I have been scared of a lot of things in my life. Things such as heights, snakes, semi trucks, guns, etc. But the things that I fear don't compare at all. My fears have weighed on me for as long as I can remember. They run deep. And they aren't there without reason. For one, I fear becoming an old maid. This is because I was raised Mormon in a small town. All I knew was that marriage and babies came before 20. Although I am very happy, I have far surpassed that cultural deadline.

I fear losing those closest to me. I've been to a lot of funerals that hit way too close to home and my dad has miraculously survived 5 heart attacks. To this day unexpected phone calls from family and close friends tie my stomach in knots and suspend my breathing.

I fear failure. Losing everything I have worked for and/or everything I own would be completely devastating. I have a deep sense of accomplishment that keeps me going every day. I'm not sure how I would function without it.

But most of all, I fear for my health. And more specifically, I fear cancer. The idea that something could take control of my body by slowly and quietly killing it while there is still no cure, has haunted me most of my life. My Grandma Ekker survived breast cancer. I was too young when it happened to know all of the details, but I knew she was changed. She had a mastectomy and was forever changed physically. But, I noticed a deeper change. I felt that it had knocked the wind out of her soul. Life weighed heavier on her. Since then I have seen cancer suck the life out of many. And not just those suffering from it but from everyone around them. It's draining. It's taxing. It's harsh and unforgiving. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I have continually prayed to keep it far from me and those I love.

Five weeks ago I went in for my annual physical. Despite the fact that I never had health insurance growing up and rarely saw doctors, I have made it a point to be very diligent about my health care. This was a normal day for me. Part of my yearly routine. But this time was different. My doctor found abnormal hormone levels and a high white blood cell count so he referred me to an Endocrinologist.

To make a long story short, I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and the doctor decided to take a closer look. It took less then a few seconds for him to locate a large tumor on my Thyroid and decide to do an ultrasound. Because of the size and abnormality of the tumor I was instructed to get in for a biopsy as quickly as possible.

My doctor made every effort to put me at ease with the situation. I walked away feeling like everything would be fine, which made the days leading up to the biopsy a lot easier. However, it also sent me there very ill-prepared. It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to tolerate. I ended up nearly passing out from the pain and having to stay a while before I could be discharged. This put the fear back in me.

36 hours later my Endocrinologist called me with the news. All three of the samples taken for the biopsy had come back cancerous. Despite his best efforts to comfort me, the word cancer threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared for it. I'm still not prepared for it... I spent the next couple days crying and then I hit the internet to educate myself about what was going on. It turns out that my doctors were right. If you have to have cancer, you want it to be Thyroid Cancer. And if you have to have Thyroid Cancer, you want it to be Papilary Thyroid Cancer which it turns out I have.

Two weeks later I met with my surgeon. My mom came with me for this appointment. We scheduled my surgery, a Total Thyroidectomy, for May 25 at LDS Hospital. I had about a month to prepare myself for the procedure. Despite all of the comfort I have received from my doctors, my research and my friends and family, I am scared to death. I have never been a patient in a hospital let alone undergone a 4 hour surgery removing one of my organs. I have had a hard time sleeping and I start to panic at least once a day. I have had very disturbing dreams that involve my insides coming out when the doctor slices my neck open.

I fear the surgery and I fear the effects it will have on me. A scar on my neck, critical medication for the rest of my life, yearly checkups to look for returning cancer cells, possible vocal chord damage, the painful recovery, and so much more. My mind won't stop coming up with more reasons to be scared. But, in less than 48 hours it will all be over with. I do have a few things to look forward to. For one, I will no longer have Hyperthyroidism. I look forward to never experiencing the symptoms of that again. Hopefully my metabolism will normalize as well.

The best thing that has come out of all of this is the realization of how many people care about me. Sometimes it's easy to forget that. I'm definitely loved.

I look forward to my post-surgery life. My life as a cancer survivor.

all time top 5 Michael Jackson songs

I have always loved, and still do love, Michael Jackson. Honestly, is there anyone else that can compare when it comes to talent? Is there anyone else that made a bigger impact in the world? I don't think so! When I look back over my childhood, all the way through high school, Michael Jackson is the soundtrack. I had cassette tapes and listened to them until they wore out. I used our VCR to record his videos so that me and my friends could watch them over and over until we had every move memorized. Nothing would put me in a better mood than a little bit of MJ.

I'm still in shock that he is dead. It's tragic. He had so much more to give. I was really looking forward to his big come back. I've been obsessed with watching the tribute shows, new developments, and documentaries. I can't wait to see the memorial, but I've decided to do my own little tribute on my blog. Here is my all time top 5 list of Michael Jackson songs:

5. Beat It - I probably sang and danced to this song more as a kid than any other song. Played it in the empty garage with my little red tape player while I danced in circles in my roller skates.

4. Remember the Time - This is my favorite video ever. My little brother is obsessed with Egypt and this video had to have been where it all started. I never realized how many cameos there are in it until a few days ago when I saw it again.

3. Scream - I was on the drill team in high school. We did a dance to this song, and it was my favorite dance ever. Everyone else loved it too, and we took first in the state competition. I love the video too. I remember it being a huge deal that Janet grabbed her breasts. That was way before she let one loose at the super bowl.

2. Black or White - I lived in a tiny town in southern Utah. Race wasn't a part of my life. We were all white. This song and the video, and just Michael Jackson in general, opened my eyes to the world and put me on the path to become the person I am today. I truly believe that his influence, his actions, his music, and his words brought the world together for the first time regardless of race. And he was humble about it, but he deserves all the credit in the world.

1. The Way You Make Me Feel - This song makes me happy. It ends up in a lot of my mixes. I never get tired of it. I'm sure I will listen to it, and every other Michael Jackson song forever and ever.

Michael Jackson more than deserved his title as the King of Pop and I doubt there will ever be anyone that can come close to it. RIP Michael!

I don't wanna grow up!

I’m turning 28 this weekend. WOW! I can’t believe my 10 year HS reunion is this summer and I graduated from college 6 years ago! Time sure flies when you're having fun.

My mom came over for Sunday dinner last night and we were comparing our lives. When she was my age she had already given birth to all of her children. She had a husband and 5 kids to care for, a house, a job, was primary president in our ward - she was the perfect grown-up mom... My life is very different, to say the least. Last week Jaime and I color coordinated every day, you can see evidence in her post titled “yes, we're 12”. Saturday night we rented Bedtime Stories, and last year we went to Princesses on Ice with a bunch of girlfriends. Friday night I went to a 3-D movie with James at Clark Planetarium. Look how cute we are in our glasses!

We also skipped along the sidewalk at The Gateway and had a little water fight with our straws at Z'Tejas. In December we went to the Polar Express in Heber City.

At first I thought to myself, “wow, I haven’t grown up yet,” but then I realized that I just paid off my car, I pay rent, utility bills, credit cards, I have a career and an IRA. So, yes, I guess I am a grown-up. There is nothing wrong with occasionally participating in childish activities. They are a great way to alleviate the stress in my grown-up life. Oh, and I think it also compensates for the lack of little children running around my apartment. All in all, I'm loving life at 28.

history

In 1992 during the general election my dad scared the living crap out of me. I was 11 years old and knew absolutely nothing about politics or government. But, as most little girls, I sincerely believed every word that came out of my dad’s mouth. It was obvious that my dad wasn’t a fan of Bill Clinton. He would say things like, “The day that son of a bitch is elected will be the last day of our lives as we know it.” And, “If that piece of shit makes it into office, Hanksville will disappear. We won’t be able to survive here and it will become the next ghost town in Utah.” Hanksville is my hometown. When I lived there the populations was about 250, but it’s now closer to 175. It’s in the middle of nowhere in southeastern Utah, but surrounded by some of the most beautiful parks Utah has to offer. Goblin Valley, Lake Powell, Capitol Reef National Park, The Arches, the Henry Mountains, etc. The odd thing about the people there though, is that they aren’t fans of the BLM or SUWA or environmentalists. They believe they can take care of all that land themselves and don’t need any authorities telling them how it’s done. And by the way my dad was talking, I was sure Bill Clinton was going to turn our entire town and the 100 mile radius around it into protected wilderness area and we would be driven out like the pioneers.

On election day, I stayed up with my dad to find out who won. When the word came that William Jefferson Clinton would be our next president, I slowly walked back to my room, laid down on my bed, and cried for a good 30 minutes until I fell asleep. At school the next day, I kept asking all of my friends if they knew what was going on and if they were scared. Nobody else seemed to have a clue what I was talking about, so I just told them to wait it out and they would see. Years later, it was obvious that my dad’s predictions had been ridiculous, even though he claimed the Grand Staircase National Monument was exactly what he was talking about. Even though Hanksville never changed, and life as I knew it continued to improve, something inside of me never liked President Clinton until I got to college and learned the truth about his presidency, of course.

Last night, we witnessed American history, and most of us were a part of it. We elected our country’s first black president. I’m still in shock, but happier and more proud than I’ve been in a really long time. For a while I was unsure that we were capable of doing something so momentous in my lifetime, which, I’m sure, is why I am still in awe. I can’t wait to see what the next four years bring us. I am almost certain things will only go up from here. But, despite my elation last night, my dad reminded me of the feelings I felt last time a Democrat took over the white house. He had to call me and say, “I’m wearing all black tomorrow to mourn the death of our country.” And, “you won’t be celebrating when gas is $15 a gallon and you have to wait in line for a bowl of soup.” No wonder I cried myself to sleep 16 y ears ago! My dad is such a drama queen! Thank goodness I broke the mold and went to college, otherwise I might still believe him. And for all of you out there who do believe him, or have similar thoughts, calm down and try reading more than just the Enquirer! The best is yet to come.

nightcrawlers

it has been raining a lot the past couple weeks and I have loved every minute of it! cloudy, rainy days are my absolute favorite. I'm sure you all know how badly I want to live in Seattle. however, yesterday as I was walking down the sidewalk at work I noticed that a few worms had crawled up out of the grass and onto the sidewalk where they, of course, didn't survive. I had flashbacks of college because there were almost always dead worms on the sidewalks on campus and at my apartment. but, then I had a memory that I hadn't thought of in years and years and I decided that I should share it on my blog, and that I would make my childhood memories a recurring topic. I was also thinking just yesterday about how my childhood and teenage years seem like a totally different lifetime, and sometimes I don't feel like they are really my memories. so much has happened in the past 10 years or so and it has moved me farther and farther from the life I knew up until I was 18 years old. but, no matter how distant it seems, it is a huge part of who I am and it molded me into what I have become. even the very small things like the memory I am going to share with you today, and I think remembering them will help me embrace that part of me instead of feeling like a stranger to it. so, without further ado, here is my nightcrawler memory.


"my grandparents had a huge window in their living room that looked out into the front yard. it was a death trap for many birds, but that is a different story for a different time. I remember spending what felt like hours sitting in front of that window staring at the grass in the front yard waiting for the sun to go down after a rain storm. my grandpa loved to fish, and the best bait for him was the nightcrawlers that came out of his very own lawn. I was so excited to help him on this adventure that I couldn't focus on anything else. we had our styrofoam cups all ready, with just enough moist soil. our flashlights were lined up just waiting to be turned on and my jacket was waiting quietly by the front door. I remember staring intently at the grass, just waiting to see a nightcrawler get brave enough to poke up out of the dirt. they thought they were safe at night time, but my grandpa and I had a surprise for them! My grandpa kept looking over and saying, "Christa, do you see any yet?" "have you seen one yet?" I hadn't, but my nose got closer and closer to the window until the steam starting blocking my view.

all right, I think it's time!" and then I grabbed the cup, flashlight and bolted to the door. we quietly walked along the sidewalk while moving the flashlights slowly along the edges of the grass waiting for the nightcrawlers to show. when none appeared we would move a few few in and keep looking. when they appeared we had to quickly grab them and put them safely in our styrofoam cups. they were slimy and fast. it was all very exciting. I loved being involved in something so closely with my grandfather. no matter what I did with him, it was always an adventure. I miss him a lot...

a kiss is just a kiss

I went down south for a couple days last week to see my mom, help her unpack and get settled, and make sure she got some rest after her surgery. My little sister, who is going to be 16 in a couple days, had her boyfriend over pretty much the whole time I was there and they were sneaking kisses as often as they could. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and how much I loved kissing. It was pretty much what I lived for. Every time my boyfriend kissed me I felt sparks, I melted. It was the best feeling in the world.

My kissing experiences have really evolved since then. Since high school, the "knock your socks off" kisses are few and far between. I've had some really bad kisses, some blah kisses, some pretty good kisses, and a couple WHOAH! kisses. When the guy that I am dating right now (that phrase comes from another story I will share in a different post), his name is Rob, kissed me for the first time, it was one of those knock your socks off, take your breath away moments! And every time we kissed for the next few weeks it was just like that. He is the best kisser I have ever kissed, and I thought nobody would ever beat Dustin. Not only is Rob really good at it, but there is a deeper connection. I have never clicked so well with someone emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually all at the same time. My knees literally almost buckle. I don't even know how to begin explaining how this all makes me feel. When he kissed me, it was like I could finally exhale... I am lighter on my toes, I smile more, and I can't wait for the next kiss. I am going to be waiting for a long time though, he is gone for 6 weeks. I miss him so much it almost hurts.

Anyway, it has only been about three months, since the first kiss and we have already gotten into a pattern of automatic "pecks" when we say hello and goodbye. Sometimes I wonder what happened. Do we lose the fascination with kissing when we get older and more settled and secure in relationships? Not that I don't enjoy the quick hello and goodbye kisses, I still savor them, I just wish there were more knee-buckling moments, I want to feel like a kid again. And what a great world it would be if every hello and goodbye were accompanied by a knock your socks off kiss!

merry christa-mas!

I don't remember how old I was, but I was young. all I wanted for Christmas was a Nativity set. I may have wanted some roller skates too, but I don't remember. I even wrote a letter to Santa specifivally asking for one. it bothered me that my family didn't have one to display during the holidays. anyway, I think this really touched my Grandma. she and I had always had a special bond. she lived up the street from us my entire life, and sometimes I think I spent more time there than I did at home. someday I will write a blog about her. she was amazing and she filled my life with beautiful memories...

so, Christmas day came and I didn't open a Nativity set. I remember being disappointed, but not enough to ruin the enjoyment of the gifts I did receive. a couple hours later my Grandparents came over to give us their gifts. my Grandma handed me a big white manilla envelope. I opened it up and pulled out a paper nativity set. it was beautiful! I unfolded it, carefully attached the pieces, and set it up to proudly display in our living room. I believe I left it up in my room for quite a few months, and remember putting it up every Christmas for a few years after that. I don't know what happened to it. I imagine it took quite a beating considering I was the oldest of 5 children with plenty of little cousins that visited often. I'm sure it was destroyed and thrown away, but I think of it every year. I relayed this story to my best friend, Jackie, a few years ago and she then gave me a beautiful porcelain Nativity set for Christmas. now it stands as a reminder of my first Nativity set, the beautiful Grandmother that gave it to me, the blessing of a great true friend that I have in Jackie, and the true meaning of Christmas.

sometimes we get caught up in the commercialism of Christmas. I know I do. check this out for instance. all of the excitement distracts us from the true meaning. we should be remembering Christ's birth, his life, and what it means to us. I am lucky enough to have an amazing extended family that gathers together every Christmas to enjoy each other's company, play games, eat food, laugh until we cry, and reflect on Jesus Christ. my Grandparents give us spiritual gifts, and have prepared a presentation complete with stories, scriptures, and testimony. we then take turns sharing our testimonies, thoughts and what we have learned that year. I am so excited to get to the cabins to see everybody and experience our annual spiritual feast, so to speak. I'm sure I will have plenty to reflect on and tell when I return. Merry Christmas everyone! I hope yours is full of love, loved ones and warmth.

right on target

the only coat I have ever loved I got in the fourth grade. It was a stone-washed levi zip-up jacket with teal and purple shapes sewn onto it. I know - hideous!! but, back then, it was to die for! all of my friends wanted one and everyone in school was envious. I seriously wore it every day, all day, even when it started getting warm. since then, every coat I have owned has been something just to keep me warm until I find one I love. well, I'm here to announce that i finally found it!!! in fact, I'm wearing it right now! hooray for me! I am all about bold colors in very simple plain styles. so, as you can see, this one is just that. and, I found it at my favorite store in the world - Target. although I love the store, I never expected to find something there that I loved this much. so, let's give it up for Target everybody! your sense of style and the fact that you are better than wal-mart in all aspects of the corporate world have made you my hero for years. long live Target.

a streetcar named desire

I may be the only person to ever wish this, but when I went to pick up my rental car today, I was chanting over and over in my head the words "please bless its a crappy car, please bless its a crappy car." and then the worst that could happen did. I love my rental! and now I want it... you see, I have been wanting to trade my car in for several months now and it has taken every ounce of energy I have to keep myself from doing so. so, the last thing I need is a nice car that fuels that desire! I only have 2 years and 4 months left until mine is paid off, and by then I am hoping to be in my first year of law school, so I really need to not have a car payment at that time...

I get bored of cars really fast. and I blame this on my scandalous car ownership past... my frist car was a 1985 Chevy Sprint. I had it for a total of 6 weeks before a moth tricked me into driving it off a cliff on the way to school. needless to say, it was totalled. I loved that car too. It was tiny and cute and it got 50 mpg! ...my second car was a 1989 VW Fox. I had that one for about 6 months and then a driver in the other lane swerved toward me, forcing me to drive off my side of the road. the axle was ruined. luckily I sold it to a junkyard for enough money to pay it off. ...my third car was a 1986 Oldsmobile 88. I LOVED that car! mostly because I bought it from an ex long distance boyfriend and it ended up getting us back together and giving us a reason to keep in touch for quite a while - not to metion the fact that we christened it ;) awww, memories. he was one of those white boys that wished he were black, so it was pimped out all gangsta style! haha! I enjoyed it. can you even imagine me driving that? it brings a smile to my face. I've come a long way since then. I had that one for a little over a year and the transmission went out during my freshman year at SUU. I then traded it in at a junkyard for my fourth car - a 1988 Cadillac! this car was sooooo ugly, but me and my roommates loved it. we even gave it a nickname - sonic. there is a pretty funny story that goes along with that, but we'll save that for a different post. that one lasted me about a year and a half, and then the electic windows stopped working (with some of the windows down) and then the engine blew. ....that summer I bought my fifth car, a 1997 Ford Thunderbird. it was a really good car, and it lasted me 2 years, including 2 trips across the country and back, time in DC, the campaign in Iowa, and my church history trip. I ended up giving that one to my mom in order to help her out when hers broke down, and she still drives it! it is in great condition.

that is when I bought my sixth and current car - my 2003 Mitsubishi Galant. I really like my car, but I have had it for 2 years and 10 months and I am itching for something newer, better, and prettier! I think this might be a lesson I really need to teach myeslf though. I need to stick with this car - it runs well, I like it, it serves my needs. I don't need to keep up with the Joneses. why do I feel the need to do so anyway? I was raised in a tiny town in a VERY poor family that lived on WIC, food stamps, church welfare, and the county food bank. has being out of that situation for 7 years, getting an education, and already earning more money than my parents changing me that much? if so, I really need to take a step back and re-evaluate myself...

raindrops on roses and whiskers on kittens...

so, sometimes life can really get you down. and not just when things are terribly wrong, it can happen even when things are just fine. right now my life is fine. I guess when "just fine" lasts a while you start to wish things were better. like, I really wish I could move back to DC. or, I wish things had worked out with my last boyfriend and I could share my "just fine" life with him. to these thoughts I say "phooey!". so, I started thinking about what I do have. there are a million little things that make me happy. and most of these are things millions of people out there will never have the means to enjoy. so, I made this list to cheer me up and am posting it here so I can always have it to refer back to. enjoy!

these are a few of my favorite things: sitting on the steps of the Jefferson memorial or booster hill in Hanksville, getting vanilla ice in Price, drinking slurpees in the back of Gus's truck in the 7-11 parking lot, throwing rocks from the dirty devil bridge at Lake Powell, carving my name at Indian Island, doing a "rain dance" around my car on a dirt road, dumping Dawn soap down the waterfall in Capitol Reef, building a bon fire in the middle of the desert, wandering around IKEA for hours, getting lost in Little Italy, salsa dancing on a cruise ship, playing ping pong in the rain, creating a crazy shake at the burger shak, trying to pronounce the menu at Lebanese Taverna, watching the sunrise or the sunset, keeping watch for my friends in the 6 Flags parking lot, getting lost in a book, being accosted by capitol police and kept out of the inauguration, plotting to leave Marti's backpack sitting there like a bomb on the national mall, getting a surprise splash by a freezing cold wave at the beach, getting hit on at Target, staying up until the wee hours of the night playing cards and laughing with my friends, doing cartwheels on the grass, spotting animals and other shapes in the rocks and clouds, jumping on a trampoline, talking to crazy people on public transportation, watching Felicity for hours on end instead of doing my homework, watching Grey's Anatomy for hours on end instead of studying for the LSAT, watching my brother's face light up when I tell him something funny, making mud soup, trying to recessitate Jackie after she laughed hard enough to quit breathing and passed out, coming up with a way to outprank the neighbors, watching Americans unite and walk together for a cause, the rush and natural high you get on election day - waiting for the outcome you have devoted your life to for months, being too in love to sleep, seeing a baby cousin roll over for the first time or take their first step, hearing from an old friend out of the blue, seeing the changes the seasons make in the leaves of a tree, cozying up in my bed after a long hard day, the smell of rain in the desert, watching a meteor shower from the red hills or the observatory in Cedar, laughing until it hurts, the feeling I get at church and in the temple, and I could go on and on and on....