online dating horror story #1

as some of you may know, this actually happened a couple months ago, but I couldn't bring myself to write about it until now. although I've been doing the online dating thing for years, I still feel pretty self conscious about it and hesitate to admit it. so, here we go... hi. I'm Christa and I meet guys online. there, I said it.

I have met quite a few great guys this way - just enough to keep me from deleting my profile. but, usually the ones that aren't meant to be, are REALLY not meant to be. take this one for example:

John (not his real name) and I had been talking on the phone and texting for weeks before we actually met. he seemed like a great guy. very intelligent, funny, good looking, motivated, well-read, cultured. all the things I look for. I wasn't worried about anything on my way to the coffee shop that night. in fact, the only thing I could think about was whether I would have a job a week later.

he was late. I sat at the high boy for about 10 minutes, and then he called to say he was in line ordering a drink and would be right there. he didn't offer to buy me one, which never really dawned on me until just now... anyway, he came and sat down and we had great conversation, we laughed, and found we had more in common than we thought. I learned that he had only been divorced for a few months, was raised Catholic but converted to Judaism a couple years ago, and was a self-proclaimed wine expert. then, out of nowhere, he starts asking me about Star Wars. I have never seen the movies, nor do I want to. he is appalled and vows to watch all of them with me. I let him know it isn't necessary, I will continue to be ok having never seen them. he still insists.

I try to change the subject, and he brings up Lord Of The Rings. I have seen them and I enjoyed them. he says, "my ex-wife could speak elvish. it was a huge turn on." I was in shock. what? elvish isn't a real language. how nerdy is that? he continued, "I used to know it pretty well myself. I even have a tattoo." "wow," I say, "what is it of?" he points to his arm and says, "it's a band around my bicep. it has the inscription that is on the ring." I'm pretty sure my face gave everything away at this point. what kind of universe had we just entered? where was the guy I had been talking to the past few weeks? he nervously said, "I don't usually reveal that until the 3rd date at least." I can see why.

I changed the subject again. started talking about skiing. he loves it. I hate it. wanted to make that clear to him right then. and he begins talking about all the strange vacations he has been on and wants to take. he spent a week on a Navy ship in California pretending to be a sailor, and now he wants to go live at the Mars station in southern Utah. "WHAT?" I say. my dad works for them. nobody knows about that place. it's in the middle of nowhere and it's a weird NASA training spot. he can't believe I know about it and that my dad worked there and he says he likes me even more now. all I can do is picture him in a space suit walking around in the desert and converting his urine into drinking water for two weeks. ...not attractive to me. not. at. all.

as we were walking out to our cars he said he couldn't wait to see me again, and that he thinks I'm beautiful, and all that jazz. I smiled and waved. I couldn't wait for it to end! what the......? the next day as I was cleaning out the art room at work I received a text from him that read, "did you have an enjoyable enough time fort night?" I didn't even know how to answer that. what does that mean? who was this guy?? needless to say, I haven't seen this guy again. am I wrong to write him off? I don't think so!

here's to online dating and the great stories it brings into my life. let's all pray I'm not single for much longer, ok?

he's just not that into you

so, I watched it. most of you know that reading a few pages of the book made me cry in hopelessness for the male gender and pain from realizations about past relationships. I really didn't want to watch the movie. over two hours of that pain didn't sound enticing to me. but I went anyway, with an open mind and ready to be crushed. surprisingly though, I didn't cry and I didn't come out feeling hopeless about the possibility of a future healthy and happy relationship. it was actually a great movie. definitely real and honest. I learned a lot, and already have plans of showing it to my future daughters to save them from a lot of the torture I have gone through over the years. yes, great movie indeed.

one thing I did learn is how to tell when a guy IS into you. for instance, yesterday afternoon our waiter at Fortune Cookie was definitely into me. when he handed me my check, looked into my eyes and said, "your drink's on me," and then winked, smiled and kept his eyes locked to mine as he walked away, I knew deep down that he wanted some of this. if it only hadn't come out of nowhere, caught me off guard and if he had looked older than 12 I might have been all over that. wow, there's no way I would have caught that without having seen He's Just Not That Into You. GO SEE IT!

lyrics

I have been listening pretty closely to songs lately. a lot of the time, if the lyrics mean something to me when I hear them, I tend to listen to that part of the song over and over. sometimes the whole song. and then the lyrics will randomly pop up in my head. these are some of those lyrics - organized by category, of course:

Lyrics that make me feel empowered:

“I'd rather sleep my whole life away than have you keep me from dreaming.” Sara Bareilles, Fairytale

“When I'm approached in a dark alley, I don’t lift my skirt. … I was blessed with a birth and a death and I guess I just want some say in between.” Ani Difranco, Talk To Me Now

“Forgive... well that's a mighty big word for such a small man. And, I'm not sure I can.” Rebecca Lynn Howard, Forgive

I've had my fiar share of take care and goodbyes. I've learned how to cry, and i'm better for that." Sara Bareilles, Many The Miles

Lyrics that remind me of the pain and circumstances of past relationships:

“Feels like reckless driving when we're talking
It's fun while it lasts, and it's faster than walking
But no one's going to sympathize when we crash
They'll say ‘you hit what you head for, you get what you ask’
And we'll say we didn't know, we didn't even try
One minute there was road beneath us, the next just sky.”
Ani Difranco, Falling is Like This

“Oh I know you can hear me
But i'm not sure you're listening
I hear what you're sayin'
But there's somthing missin'
Whether I go whether I stay
Right now depends on
Whatever you say”
Martina McBride, Whatever You Say

“If you just realize what I just realized,
Then we'd be perfect for each other and will never find another.”
Colbie Caillat, Realize

“I have to block out thoughts of you so I don’t lose my head
They crawl in like a cockroach leaving babies in my bed
Dropping little reels of tape to remind me that I’m alone.”
Blue October, Hate Me

"Would have cut it myself if i knew men could climb hair. I'll have to find another tower somewhere and keep away from the windows." Sara Bareilles, Fairytale

Lyrics that give me hope:

“Take this sinking boat and point it home, we’ve still got time.” Falling Slowly, Glen Hansard and Marketa Irglova

“Heaven bent to take my hand
And lead me through the fire
Be the long awaited answer
To a long and painful fight”
Sarah McLachlan, Fallen

“Three little birds, sat on my window.
And they told me I don't need to worry.
Summer came like cinnamon
So sweet,
Little girls double-dutch on the concrete.”
Corinne Bailey Rae, Put Your Records On

Lyrics to lighten the mood:

“Gimme some suga’, I am your neighbor!” Outkast, Hey Yah

“Movin' to the country, gonna eat a lot of peaches
Peaches come from a can, they were put there by a man, in a factory downtown.”
Presidents of the United States of America, Peaches

“Is he a dot, or is he a speck?
When he's underwater does he get wet?
Or does the water get him instead?
Nobody knows, particle man.”
They Might Be Giants!, Particle Man

You can't beat They Might Be Giants and The Presidents, right? I wanted to end on a lighter note. some of those are a little depressing. :) If you haven't heard some of these, be sure to.

I killed it...

I bought a really cute plant at IKEA a couple weeks ago. I was really excited about it. Jaime and I scoured the plant section until we picked out the healthiest and best looking ones. when I got home I put it next to my spider plant. I was so proud of their matching pots and couldn't wait to see them grow. the next thing I knew, two weeks had gone by and I had completely forgotten about my new plant. by then half of the plant was dead. I watered it and moved it closer to the natural light for a couple days but it didn't help. it is completely dead now. I couldn't help but remember the scene from 28 days when the guy takes his plant back to the shop because it died. their counselor in rehab told them that they would be ready for a relationship after they had kept a plant alive for a while. I guess this means I am nowhere near being ready for a new relationship. I have to admit I'm not too worried or concerned with that right now. in fact, it is kind of a relief if it's true. I don't feel ready or remotely up to it yet. should I? sometimes I think that I really should be by now... I guess maybe I will go get another plant and try again...

c-c-c-christa!

because of Carrie's many references to the way we were on sex and the city, I have been wanting to watch it for a long time. I finally did this past weekend. it's about a couple that is in love, but can't make it work because of their completely different oulooks on life. maybe I shouldn't have watched it, because now I can't help obsessing about how I am her! haha! I am k-k-k-katie! except I'm really c-c-c-christa, as Kerstin pointed out. :) anyway, if you haven't watched it, you should. if only to see who it is I think I am.

I was laughing at myself as I watched this movie. I got so tangled up in it - which in and of itself shows one of the ways I am just like her. I felt her emotion. I knew exactly what she was thinking, how she felt, and why. I had memories of myself saying the exact same things. the line that tore my heart out the most was when she was begging him to stay with her and she got him by saying, "You'll never find anyone as good for you as I am, to believe in you as much as I do or love you as much!" I have said that. and I meant it with all my heart. because when I love someone, I love them completely. and Hubbel knew that about her because when they finally started admitting it wasn't going to work, he said to her, "When you love someone, from Roosevelt to me, you go deaf, dumb and blind." that one stung a little, but it is definitely something I should be aware of. you think its a good thing, but it usually comes back to bite you.

anyway, enough of this sappiness! who is excited for Thanksgiving? I'm cooking for my family down in St. George, as usual, and if you guessed I would be making this year's Martha Stewart Menu you were right!

hurricane humberto

okay, its been a really long time and I have a lot of things to write about, but I couldn't pass this title up. I'm sure you have heard about Hurricane Humberto on the news, its a sad story, I always hate hurricane season. not to make light of the situation for sure, but when I saw the hurricane's name on the TV screen I couldn't help but laugh. Hurricane Humberto could be the title of my life right now, the theme. my boyfriend, Rob, of more than a year's given name is Humberto Sanjuan. he changed his name to Robert a few years ago. anyway, I guess we "broke up" a few weeks ago, and the events that have occurred in it's wake really have felt like a hurricane just wrecking my life. ...I thought we were happy, things were going really well. we had just gotten over a small bump in the road, and things were good. I was about to move and become homeless for a few weeks until my apartment was ready, and he was excited to let me stay with him, and so was I.

two days before I had to move, I needed a different jack to change my tire so I called him. his phone was off. I left a message and sent a txt, but never heard back. I called the next day, same thing. phone off. I was homeless. so, I called some other friends and stayed with them for 2 nights before I headed to Australia (details of which will be in the next post, I swear). so, the next night after another phone call and an ignored email, I showed up at his place and knocked on the door a few times. he was there, but didn't answer. so, I went to Australia for 10 days, and never heard a word. I was in touch with his best friend and my new friend Leiner who told me he was doing the same to him. a couple days after I got back, rested from the jet lag, got out of the crystal inn and found a place to stay, I tried calling again, no answer. I emailed him, to be honest, it was kind of a harsh email, but who can blame me. two hours later he txted me and said, "I'm ok, and I'm not mad at you. I'm sorry for everything." I was confused, and tried to get more out of him, but he was more interested in asking me how my day was and how Australia was. frustrated out of my mind, I stopped answering his txts. the next night he txted again to see how I was. he was sick. I frankly didn't care much, so they were short texts. then I didn't hear from him for about another week.

when I talked to Leiner last week he told me that he found out that Rob has been dating his wife - their divorce isn't final. and when he confronted him about it, Rob didn't say much and they haven't spoken since. I was furious. not just for me, but for Leiner too. I still can't believe he would do that to his best friend. the one he has always considered the brother he never had. so, I went to his apartment, he was there, I pounded on the door. he didn't answer. I pounded again, no answer. I called, he ignored it. so, I left... in tears. I cried for a while, maybe an hour or two, but then I swore I wouldn't waste any more tears on him, and I haven't cried again.

I can't explain how I feel. without going into too much detail of private information, I gave him more than anyone else I have ever dated. I gave him my all. I trusted him when my gut told me to be more careful. I was extremely patient with the smaller than baby steps he was taking with me, even though it was sometimes hurtful. I did everything he asked me to, I was ALWAYS there for him, no matter what. I wanted to be with him, I was sure he was the one, and I did everything I knew it would take to make sure things worked. so, as you can imagine, I feel taken advantage of. I feel sort of abused. but, mostly I feel very very unloved. he told me he loved me, and there were many times he showed it and I believed him, but I have every reason to believe he was lying. every few days I learn something new, something he lied to me about. it has been a whirlwind, and it really does feel like a hurricane.

right now I'm not sure I'm ever going to date again. life is moving on, and is good most of the time. I still LOVE my job, and the new apartment is great, and so is living with Amber and Holly. I may have the energy to start rebuilding my life and my self-esteem, and self worth. I am going to be more than ok, I am sure of it. in the meantime, I just hope the storm subsides and I make it to shore ok...

my heart

Margaret Kennedy said, "It is better to break one's heart than to do nothing with it." well, I don't know about that, but I do know that I have learned a TON from all of my past relationships. I guess that does make it worth it. but, man, has it been rough! I have learned a lot, but I am also really tainted and scarred! and that makes it really hard to take more chances. I'm going to do it though. I have to. how will I ever get what I want if I don't? hopefully I will keep doing things right and this story will finally have a happy ending...

the sacrifices I make

I cherish my sleep... and when I don't get enough I am droggy all day, I get headaches, and I am in a bad mood. I look forward to Saturday all week because it is the only day I don't have to be out the door by 8:30. lately, I have been sacrificing my sleep for some pretty important things - my job and the boy. I have been working a lot of late nights and a ton at home. and circumstances in our lives require us to spend most of our time together and on the phone late at night. and I really don't mind, except that I think maybe it is backfiring. I think the toll it is taking on me might be weighing on our relationship and my performance at work. is it worth it? worse though, am I getting old? I remember when I used to stay up EVERY night until 3 or later. and those were the days that I had to leave for school or early morning summer practice by 6:30 AM! what happened?

A to B

I have always been an A to Z thinker. I just can't help myself. I see the whole picture, I imagine the entire process from beginning to end. this is actually a great thing professionally and it has really been an asset for me in every job I have ever had. now, if I could reserve that skill for work I think I would be set, but it seems to be the way I handle every aspect of my life and it has really bit me in the butt in almost all of my relationships thus far. see, I believe the main difference between men and women is that women generally see things from A to Z and men generally see things from A to B. when I go out with someone I am not just considering a kiss at the end of the night or a second date (B) as the guy is, I am considering whether or not there is long term potential, whether I can picture myself marrying the guy (Z). talk about adding unneeded additional pressure to a first date! but, no matter how much I try to ignore that instinct it keeps pushing its way to the forefront of my thoughts. I wonder if his career path has potential, or if it is something I could live with (unlike the vet I dated... yuck). I judge his clothes, taste in music, spending habits, manners, and hobbies against mine to see if we would mesh well. and if things are okay to that point I sometimes even consider how his last name sounds with my first and whether or not our kids would be cute. this sounds crazy, right? most guys think it is, but almost all of my girlfriends admit to very similar thoughts.

I met this amazing guy last summer. he was in Iraq at the time, he is a medic in the guard, so we were limited to chatting, emails and phone calls. with most guys that wouldn't last very long, but we kept it up for 6 months and never got bored or tired of it. we always had something to talk about and we clicked like no one I had ever met before. he has been home for four months now and things have been going great. I think mostly because I have been containing the A to Z beast, or at least hiding it from him. my best friend Marti has been the one encouraging this and keeping me going. thanks, Mart. but, yesterday it reared its ugly head. he is in Venezuela right now, so conversation has been minimal for a while. when I blurted it out, it was kind of out of the blue, and I was even surprised when I said it. I guess I started slacking since he left and I'm no longer strong enough to contain it. so, I did it. I tried to force my A to Z thinking on him. he seemed to handle it well, but if I screw this one up too, I don't know if I will bounce back. I seriously don't know how people ever have successful relationships. did I ruin my chances by waiting until I had grown up before I tried to make them work? maybe I should have gone for the plunge when I was still young, clueless and impressionable so that we could grow into a relationship together... ??

a kiss is just a kiss

I went down south for a couple days last week to see my mom, help her unpack and get settled, and make sure she got some rest after her surgery. My little sister, who is going to be 16 in a couple days, had her boyfriend over pretty much the whole time I was there and they were sneaking kisses as often as they could. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and how much I loved kissing. It was pretty much what I lived for. Every time my boyfriend kissed me I felt sparks, I melted. It was the best feeling in the world.

My kissing experiences have really evolved since then. Since high school, the "knock your socks off" kisses are few and far between. I've had some really bad kisses, some blah kisses, some pretty good kisses, and a couple WHOAH! kisses. When the guy that I am dating right now (that phrase comes from another story I will share in a different post), his name is Rob, kissed me for the first time, it was one of those knock your socks off, take your breath away moments! And every time we kissed for the next few weeks it was just like that. He is the best kisser I have ever kissed, and I thought nobody would ever beat Dustin. Not only is Rob really good at it, but there is a deeper connection. I have never clicked so well with someone emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually all at the same time. My knees literally almost buckle. I don't even know how to begin explaining how this all makes me feel. When he kissed me, it was like I could finally exhale... I am lighter on my toes, I smile more, and I can't wait for the next kiss. I am going to be waiting for a long time though, he is gone for 6 weeks. I miss him so much it almost hurts.

Anyway, it has only been about three months, since the first kiss and we have already gotten into a pattern of automatic "pecks" when we say hello and goodbye. Sometimes I wonder what happened. Do we lose the fascination with kissing when we get older and more settled and secure in relationships? Not that I don't enjoy the quick hello and goodbye kisses, I still savor them, I just wish there were more knee-buckling moments, I want to feel like a kid again. And what a great world it would be if every hello and goodbye were accompanied by a knock your socks off kiss!