time flies

it's been a REALLY long time. to be completely honest, I just didn't feel like posting. :) and well... I still don't. so, I'm just going to post a bunch of pics to catch up. I"m sure you would all rather look than read anyway, right?

Series finale party for LOST. I made epic Kahlua Pork and Dharma beer. It was so much fun watching the best ending ever to the best show ever with two of my besties: Holly and Janiel.

THE SWELL SEASON! My first concert at Red Butte and my second time seeing Glen and Marketa in concert. They were even better this time, which is hard to believe! And it was so fun experiencing it with Jenny and Lindsay.




Trajan turned 1!!! He is the best nephew I could ask for and the most adorable little blond boy ever. It was a fun dinosaur birthday party.


Lake Powell!! I hadn't been in YEARS! It was so much fun. It was Brad's first time there, too. It is still one of the most beautiful places on Earth and I can't wait to go back.


I love my family. I spent as much time with them as I possibly could.





Cakes! We made a ton. We're getting much better and that's making it a lot of fun.





...that's it for now. but, there's a lot more to come!

fear

I have been scared of a lot of things in my life. Things such as heights, snakes, semi trucks, guns, etc. But the things that I fear don't compare at all. My fears have weighed on me for as long as I can remember. They run deep. And they aren't there without reason. For one, I fear becoming an old maid. This is because I was raised Mormon in a small town. All I knew was that marriage and babies came before 20. Although I am very happy, I have far surpassed that cultural deadline.

I fear losing those closest to me. I've been to a lot of funerals that hit way too close to home and my dad has miraculously survived 5 heart attacks. To this day unexpected phone calls from family and close friends tie my stomach in knots and suspend my breathing.

I fear failure. Losing everything I have worked for and/or everything I own would be completely devastating. I have a deep sense of accomplishment that keeps me going every day. I'm not sure how I would function without it.

But most of all, I fear for my health. And more specifically, I fear cancer. The idea that something could take control of my body by slowly and quietly killing it while there is still no cure, has haunted me most of my life. My Grandma Ekker survived breast cancer. I was too young when it happened to know all of the details, but I knew she was changed. She had a mastectomy and was forever changed physically. But, I noticed a deeper change. I felt that it had knocked the wind out of her soul. Life weighed heavier on her. Since then I have seen cancer suck the life out of many. And not just those suffering from it but from everyone around them. It's draining. It's taxing. It's harsh and unforgiving. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I have continually prayed to keep it far from me and those I love.

Five weeks ago I went in for my annual physical. Despite the fact that I never had health insurance growing up and rarely saw doctors, I have made it a point to be very diligent about my health care. This was a normal day for me. Part of my yearly routine. But this time was different. My doctor found abnormal hormone levels and a high white blood cell count so he referred me to an Endocrinologist.

To make a long story short, I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and the doctor decided to take a closer look. It took less then a few seconds for him to locate a large tumor on my Thyroid and decide to do an ultrasound. Because of the size and abnormality of the tumor I was instructed to get in for a biopsy as quickly as possible.

My doctor made every effort to put me at ease with the situation. I walked away feeling like everything would be fine, which made the days leading up to the biopsy a lot easier. However, it also sent me there very ill-prepared. It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to tolerate. I ended up nearly passing out from the pain and having to stay a while before I could be discharged. This put the fear back in me.

36 hours later my Endocrinologist called me with the news. All three of the samples taken for the biopsy had come back cancerous. Despite his best efforts to comfort me, the word cancer threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared for it. I'm still not prepared for it... I spent the next couple days crying and then I hit the internet to educate myself about what was going on. It turns out that my doctors were right. If you have to have cancer, you want it to be Thyroid Cancer. And if you have to have Thyroid Cancer, you want it to be Papilary Thyroid Cancer which it turns out I have.

Two weeks later I met with my surgeon. My mom came with me for this appointment. We scheduled my surgery, a Total Thyroidectomy, for May 25 at LDS Hospital. I had about a month to prepare myself for the procedure. Despite all of the comfort I have received from my doctors, my research and my friends and family, I am scared to death. I have never been a patient in a hospital let alone undergone a 4 hour surgery removing one of my organs. I have had a hard time sleeping and I start to panic at least once a day. I have had very disturbing dreams that involve my insides coming out when the doctor slices my neck open.

I fear the surgery and I fear the effects it will have on me. A scar on my neck, critical medication for the rest of my life, yearly checkups to look for returning cancer cells, possible vocal chord damage, the painful recovery, and so much more. My mind won't stop coming up with more reasons to be scared. But, in less than 48 hours it will all be over with. I do have a few things to look forward to. For one, I will no longer have Hyperthyroidism. I look forward to never experiencing the symptoms of that again. Hopefully my metabolism will normalize as well.

The best thing that has come out of all of this is the realization of how many people care about me. Sometimes it's easy to forget that. I'm definitely loved.

I look forward to my post-surgery life. My life as a cancer survivor.

I'm alive!

I have no idea why I haven't been writing. I love to write. putting my thoughts and experiences into words and posting them for the world to read has been my release. so, obviously, I'm pretty tense. I'm going to do my best to give you a very quick update on the past few months.

Thanksgiving was great. very small. both my parents, me, rachel, sam, amber and gregg. delicious food, lots of games and movies, and loads of sleep. I didn't take any pictures... strange.

in December I worked at a couple amazing events for Riehl Events and was offered a great job doing exactly what I was doing when I got laid off. the problem was that they paid a LOT less then I was making before and were located a lot father away. it was a tough decision, but I had to turn it down.

Christmas was pretty much amazing! stacy, wayne, nynaeve and trajan showed up over a day early and surprised me. we had a great time at my place for a few days and then headed to my dad's in Torrey.




we then headed to Hanksville for the Powell family Christmas party. turns out it was the last one we will ever have. I'm still really sad about it, but also excited to start traditions with just my immediate Ekker family.




the 26th is my grandpa's birthday and this year he turned 70! we made him a pretty sweet cake to celebrate. he's looking pretty darn good for 70!



it is brett's birthday on the 28th, so we made him this cake.

we did have a little bit of drama - of course. brett decided to wreck his friend's motorcycle and dislocate his shoulder. he scared all of us, and they told him he would probably need surgery, but he is doing ok now. no surgery, but his shoulder will always be a little disformed.

the last day there we had trajan and randee blessed. we even got to take a family picture!






look how big the Ekker clan is getting! crazy! it's amazing how close we all still are and how well we all get along. I love my family! I'm so lucky to have the one I do.

catching up

so... I promised I would do better, and I obviously haven't. It's been about two months, and they've been a pretty hectic two months. so, here is a very quick update.

in September I took a very last minute trip to Seattle so see my new nephew again. here are some pics of that fun trip.





then, a couple weeks later I had a "staycation" in the SLC with my friend, Chris, from Albuquerque. we had a great time seeing the sights in the city, at the lake and up the canyon.








I made a few cakes. I think we are getting pretty good!





and we made our first real wedding cake! it was so much fun and the bride and groom and family all loved it.
then, I spent a week catching up with an old friend. we had lost touch for about a year. we took advantage of all of our free time by going to Antelope Island and to his cabin at Strawberry Reservoir. we live in a beautiful state! and I am soooo happy to be back in touch with Steve.


and then... well, I went to Seattle again. this time, with Steve. he had never been and was seriously considering moving there, so we gave him a place to stay and showed him around. we even went up to Snoqualmie Pass and stayed in Cle Elum at Wayne's family's cabin. it is gorgeous there! we had so much fun! I have the cutest neice and nephew in the world, and some of the best sisters a girl could ask for. I almost didn't come back. I miss them SO SO much.














about two weeks after I got back from this trip to Seattle, I went to Hanksville for a visit. I sure miss life there sometimes. we had a good time with old family and friends. in my next post I will show you the big life changing decision I made while I was there. it's been an adventure!