boo!

it's Halloween. everyone around me is getting lost in corn mazes, dressing up, peeing their pants at haunted houses and living it up at parties. but I'm just not feeling it this year. I would rather spend my time consulting with Steve on a state senate race we have been working on for Bethanie Newby, an amazing candidate, or watching MSNBC and CNN, reading the paper, or browsing these websites: The New York Times Maps, articles by my former boss The Famous Chuck Todd, and the blog at my past employer, the only one I miss and regret leaving, The Hotline. I sill hold on to the hope that I will work there again one day...

call me a nerd, but this election is monumental! at least for me. my party is fianlly going to take control again! it will be the first time since I made my debut in the political world. for the past 6 years, 4 of which I was working on numerous campaigns and democratic platforms, we have had to wallow in the Republican shadow, looking like a bunch of powerless, weak fools. so, to say the least, this election day is going to give me plenty of reason to celebrate, but until then, sometimes I feel like I can't breathe - I'm so excited! but, I am so used to losing and being disappointed that I'm not allowing myself to get my hopes up too high. on november 7th, the results will be in, and I will finally exhale and celebrate! but, not for too long because it will then be time to get to work on getting a dem in the door of the white house in 2 years.

right on target

the only coat I have ever loved I got in the fourth grade. It was a stone-washed levi zip-up jacket with teal and purple shapes sewn onto it. I know - hideous!! but, back then, it was to die for! all of my friends wanted one and everyone in school was envious. I seriously wore it every day, all day, even when it started getting warm. since then, every coat I have owned has been something just to keep me warm until I find one I love. well, I'm here to announce that i finally found it!!! in fact, I'm wearing it right now! hooray for me! I am all about bold colors in very simple plain styles. so, as you can see, this one is just that. and, I found it at my favorite store in the world - Target. although I love the store, I never expected to find something there that I loved this much. so, let's give it up for Target everybody! your sense of style and the fact that you are better than wal-mart in all aspects of the corporate world have made you my hero for years. long live Target.

me versus the universe

I am not kidding. the universe is constantly working against me! why does the universe care so much about me? why did it choose me to torture? ...the key that opens our mail box gets stuck every day and almost cuts my finger every time I have to force it. the heel on my left shoe is extra slippery and I almost fall on my ass at least twice a day. my nails break to a painfully short length just as soon as they start to look good. my mascara brush loves to leave black marks on my nose. my shower head refuses to separate the showers of water like it is supposed to and I usually end up with just one big stream heaving at my head. I still get zits at the ripe age of 25. nobody can pronounce or spell my last name, and sometimes even my first. my bag gets stuck on my armrest almost every time I try to take it out of my car and causes me to fling my sunglasses or my CDs all over the front seat. I could go on...

yesterday my boss and I missed our flight. now, james flies all the time and he has NEVER missed his flight before. I just know it was because I was with him! from the moment we walked in the front door of the office that morning, the universe started its antics. all of a sudden james started receiving important phone calls he had been waiting on for days and my email wasn't allowing me to send those important last minute messages. when we finally got in the car, we got stuck behind a diesel that took up two lanes and was moving slower than cold tar. at the airport, there were no parking spots in the lot. the security line was double the average. and finally, our gate had been changed to the one located out in BFE, which we didn't discover until we were trying to get in the wrong line. ...trust me, this kind of nonsense goes on around me all the time! there are definitely more examples.

the LSAT was one major one. it didn't take a lot of little problems to screw this up, just one big one. I studied like crazy for 2 months, discarding my social life, and am still trying to recover. my sores were always pretty good, the average of them was what I was aiming for. but something majorly wrong happened to my brain on test day, and when I got my score back today, it reaffirmed my worries. it seems impossible that I scored that low. I dind't even get that low on the first practice test I took before I started studying! come one, we all know I am smart, so what happened? then there was my car accident. that ticket, plus the deposit for repairs took up all my money that I was going to use for the application process. and on top of that, the professor that was supposed to write the best recomendation in the world for me is no longer responding to my emails. I think the universe is telling me to stay the hell away from law school... am I right, or am I right?

I'm recently realizing it isn't just me though, that we all feel this way about our lives, all of our lives are stressful and msesed up, and it has made me feel less important. my perspective is changed forever. and even though I see myself as smaller in the universe, all of these things are majorly important to me. does this make me selfish? hmmm...

a streetcar named desire

I may be the only person to ever wish this, but when I went to pick up my rental car today, I was chanting over and over in my head the words "please bless its a crappy car, please bless its a crappy car." and then the worst that could happen did. I love my rental! and now I want it... you see, I have been wanting to trade my car in for several months now and it has taken every ounce of energy I have to keep myself from doing so. so, the last thing I need is a nice car that fuels that desire! I only have 2 years and 4 months left until mine is paid off, and by then I am hoping to be in my first year of law school, so I really need to not have a car payment at that time...

I get bored of cars really fast. and I blame this on my scandalous car ownership past... my frist car was a 1985 Chevy Sprint. I had it for a total of 6 weeks before a moth tricked me into driving it off a cliff on the way to school. needless to say, it was totalled. I loved that car too. It was tiny and cute and it got 50 mpg! ...my second car was a 1989 VW Fox. I had that one for about 6 months and then a driver in the other lane swerved toward me, forcing me to drive off my side of the road. the axle was ruined. luckily I sold it to a junkyard for enough money to pay it off. ...my third car was a 1986 Oldsmobile 88. I LOVED that car! mostly because I bought it from an ex long distance boyfriend and it ended up getting us back together and giving us a reason to keep in touch for quite a while - not to metion the fact that we christened it ;) awww, memories. he was one of those white boys that wished he were black, so it was pimped out all gangsta style! haha! I enjoyed it. can you even imagine me driving that? it brings a smile to my face. I've come a long way since then. I had that one for a little over a year and the transmission went out during my freshman year at SUU. I then traded it in at a junkyard for my fourth car - a 1988 Cadillac! this car was sooooo ugly, but me and my roommates loved it. we even gave it a nickname - sonic. there is a pretty funny story that goes along with that, but we'll save that for a different post. that one lasted me about a year and a half, and then the electic windows stopped working (with some of the windows down) and then the engine blew. ....that summer I bought my fifth car, a 1997 Ford Thunderbird. it was a really good car, and it lasted me 2 years, including 2 trips across the country and back, time in DC, the campaign in Iowa, and my church history trip. I ended up giving that one to my mom in order to help her out when hers broke down, and she still drives it! it is in great condition.

that is when I bought my sixth and current car - my 2003 Mitsubishi Galant. I really like my car, but I have had it for 2 years and 10 months and I am itching for something newer, better, and prettier! I think this might be a lesson I really need to teach myeslf though. I need to stick with this car - it runs well, I like it, it serves my needs. I don't need to keep up with the Joneses. why do I feel the need to do so anyway? I was raised in a tiny town in a VERY poor family that lived on WIC, food stamps, church welfare, and the county food bank. has being out of that situation for 7 years, getting an education, and already earning more money than my parents changing me that much? if so, I really need to take a step back and re-evaluate myself...

losing my religion

okay, time for a serious post... I love being a Mormon. I love that I know where I came from, why I am here, and where I am going. I love the peace this gospel brings into my life. but mostly, I LOVE temples. look at how beautiful the salt lake temple is! I love what goes on in there and I love how close I feel to God when I attend. I love the covenants I made with God, and I love what keeping those covenants does for my life. but lately I feel like temples are the only thing keeping me going.

I remember when I was younger, especially when I was in young women's and my frist couple of years in the relief society of a student ward. back then, I thrived on everything the church said. the only reasoning I ever needed for anything was, "because the prophet said so." but now, its not that simple for me. I wonder if this is part of growing up, and faith changes with sophistication, or if I am indeed losing my religion. I really hope thats not the case, because I love it, and I never want to let it go. but, sometimes it has lost its charm. Not that it needs charm, but it seems to be missing something that I need. ....maybe it is just my inquisitive nature finally coming out, but I need more things explained than I used to. things aren't black and white to me anymore. And I find myself frustrated at times that we are told that things just are black and white, that they just are. I believe things are more complex than that. God is more complex than that, and maybe I won't fully understand it all until the next life, but what am I supposed to do until then??

cabin fever

I spent the weekend with one of my best friends at his family's cabin at Strawberry Reservoir. this was my third trip up there this year. it was a great time. I always love spending time with Steve, and this weekend I realized we have been friends for 6 years. wow! time sure flies... when you're having fun that is! and seriously, the location of their cabin is amazing. it is sooooooo beautiful up there. it was refreshing, and if it wasn't for the fact that we were having too much fun to sleep, I would feel completely refreshed today. here are some pics of how beautiful it is:




anyway, Steve and I are political buddies. well, our friendship is obviously deeper than that, but we share political beliefs, we both worked on the Gephardt for President campaign (I was in Iowa, he was in New Mexico), we lived in DC together, and we were both involved in all things democratic politics at SUU. so, naturally, when we are together we talk politics. Its actually great to have someone to talk to that thinks and reads the same things I do. :) we are both fascinated by elections and have worked on numerous campaigns, so our main topic of discussion was how the elections are going to turn out next month. we are both dying for Ds to regain power (and no, not just to win the bet I made with my Grandpa). I will be the first to admit that both parties are corrupt, but damn! look at all the scandal the Republican party has surrounded itself with over the past couple years. Jack Abramoff, Bob Ney, Duke Cunningham, Tom DeLay, THE IRAQ WAR, and now Mark Foley. if they don't lose control of at least the House this election, I will have lost all faith in American voters (and that is something that has been hard to bring back after I lost it at the 2004 Iowa Caucus). if all of this doesn't cut it, I don't know what would. for a party that seems to claim stake on all things moral, they sure do come with a lot of "sin". ...these seem to be dark days for the Republican party, I just hope November proves that it actually is. I guess that is one great thing about America - no one party can stay in complete power for too long. at least I hope so anyway.

anyway, that is my political rant for now. I better get back to the corporate advertising drudgery...

crash

I was involved in a minor accident a couple days ago. I'm still convinced that it wasn't entirely my fault and wish I had the energy and motivation to fight it in court, but the damage was very minimal so I will probably just suck it up. but, the facts still stand - the other driver was speeding, it was raining, he hydroplaned. he was also driving without his license, yet, I was the only one cited, and now the damage all rests on my insurance... anyway, whatever.

this whole thing has me thinking about a certain favorite movie of mine - crash. my friend Kelly and I went to the premier in DC and were able to meet some of the cast - Michael Pena, Brendon Frazier, and the writer/director. at first I thought this experience was the reason I loved the movie so much, but as time has moved on, I realize that it is just an amazing movie and totally deserved movie of the year, which it did get. ...anyway, one of the many themes of the movie is that we crash into one another sometimes just to make contact with another human. whether it be into a car, person to person, with your shopping cart, or with an object like a ball, we all subconsciously make contact with others. ...sometimes I feel really lonely, but I am not sure that my loneliness acts up subconsciously like that. but, then again, how would I know? ...so, was this crash a result of my recent loneliness? or was it just hard luck? I'm hoping hard luck, because I am too proud to admit that I am really that lonely...

free time once again

you know the feeling you get for the first few days after a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders? well, that is the feeling I have right now. I took the LSAT on Saturday. its over. finally. since then, whenever I have a free minute or two, I breathe an audible sigh of relief when I realize I don't have to grab my study books and get to work. I took advantage of my free day on Sunday by sleeping, watching conference, and flipping through the channels all day. it was great! kind of made my Monday a little groggy, but still, totally worth it. ...when I went grocery shopping last night I didn't have to rush through the store. I took my time and wandered around picking up odds and ends that have been neglected the past two monhts as my head has been burried in books. watching Studio 60 last night wasn't accompanied by painful feelings of guilt. if this is what going back to school full time is going to be like, you might as well count me out right now. I think I have taken advantage of the free time we all have just because we don't have homework looming over our heads anymore.

...I was taking my time in the produce section last night, and one of the stock boys kept coming over to say hello. now, I'm not one of those people that hates greeters or friendly employees, but this kid seriously came up to me 5 or 6 different times while I was there, and just in the produce section. the store wasn't empty, there were plenty of customers. I have no idea why he singled me out like that. it was so uncomfortable for me that I ended up leaving the produce section without my plums... what was the deal? ....so weird. I definitely know he wasn't interested in getting my digits.

...on a side note, I LOVE FALL! I was able to drive out to Tooele Satruday afternoon to attend my cousin's birthday party. we went up Settler's Canyon and played around in a creek and the Fall leaves. it was so beautiful! now that I have free time, I need to drive up Cottonwood or Emmigration Canyon and take it all in. I will post pictures from these events as soon as I get them developed. yes, its sad, but true - my digital camera drowned in the creek at Memory Grove this summer and I haven't had the heart to replace it yet. and by heart, I mean funds of course... :)

okay, back to the grind...

3 weddings, 3 babies, and a funeral

so, this year been quite an adventure! I guess most years are, but these particular events have got me thinking. they have all altered my life somehow, taught me something, got me thinking differently, etc. okay, so, lets start with the three weddings -

first - my best friend Jackie. she was the last of my best friends from college I expected to get married. not because she isn't a great catch, because she definitely is, josh is one of the luckiest guys on the planet, but it just wasn't a priority for her, which as we all know, is very odd for a girl. especially a mormon one. she is one of the best people I have ever met and will always hold a very special place in my heart. we lived together all four years of college, shared a room for three of them, and have remained extremely close ever since, even though she moved to vegas for pharmacy school and I moved back east to dc for my own adventure. I can't remember a wedding I was happier to be at or more emotional about. she and josh have a great life ahead of them and once I got over my little bit of jealousy I was bursting from the seams with joy for them...

second - my little sister. I wish I could say I was happy about this one, but it is about the opposite of how I felt about Jackie. first of all, nobody was invited to the wedding, just my little brother who was asked to be the witness, and it was kept a secret for a couple months. this sister has had a particularly hard life and has made quite a few wrong turns, but I always hoped she would find happiness. I don't see it happening here, but stranger things have happened... I hope I am wrong about this guy that she married, but so far, he has done nothing but bad and wrong... and it is more than likely that he will be serving some time behind bars pretty soon...

third - my mom ... this one was particularly hard because I felt a combination of both. its hard to see your mom get remarried, but its even harder when you don't like the guy she's marrying. I have wanted nothing more my entire life for my mom than for her to be happy. she keeps telling me that she is happy with jeff, so I try to believe her and be happy for her. and part of me is genuinely happy for her. but, part of our relationship died that day. it felt like a real loss.

baby 1 - my best friends, one of the greatest couples I have ever met, had a baby boy a few months ago. he is beautiful! I loved him like he was my blood relative. they are a perfect little family. the perfect example of what I am striving for. but, the baby made me start to hear my biological clock ticking! haha! maybe it is a good thing they moved back east for law school...

baby 2 - one of my roommates from college is going to have a baby next month. I threw her a baby shower last week. she is the first of us (college roommates) to have a baby. I'm excited for her, and hope I don't hear the biological clock again...

baby 3 - my sister whose marriage I am more than concerned about recently told me she is 6 weeks pregnant. I'm going to be an aunt! wow... not to put a damper on the mood, but I have honestly wondered if I will end up raising this child. I am definitely up to it, but I think it is sad to bring a baby into the world with these kinds of concerns surrounding its life. my whole family is concerned, and since I have pretty much been the mom - or at least the responsible one - I'm sure it will be my burden. probably the first one I would gladly welcome, but a sad one to admit...

the funeral - okay, so I didn't actually attend this funeral, but one of my best friends had a recent suicide in his family and it threw me for a loop. he was young and left behind a wife and three beautiful kids. it made me realize several things - you never know when someone you love is going to be gone, and sometimes you never know how much someone is suffering inside. its important to care about these things and other people, never let yourself become too selfish. a single life is more important than anyone can imagine... and I want to make mine count...