unwritten

I took one of those lame quizzes on facebook the other day. it was called "what is the theme song of your life?" my result was Unwritten by Natasha Beddingfield. I was surprised... I know, I know. it was a facebook quiz, not scripture. but it struck me like lightning and got me thinking. a lot.

for years I have been puttering along thinking that all my goals had been met. everything was already accomplished and had been since I was 24. when I was in high school my goal was to graduate and go to college. but, mostly just to get the hell out of dodge. so, I went to college. my goal there was to find the perfect major and graduate. when I discovered the answer to that was political science, my goals became larger. I wanted to get an internship in DC, stay there and eventually work on a presidential campaign. I figured that would take me quite a while.

but, lo and behold, the first job I got when my internship was over was working on the Gephardt for President campaign in Iowa. I couldn't believe it. was it really that easy?? getting the job - yes. but, doing it - no. they were probably the hardest 7 months of my life.

when that was over, I went back to DC and got a job at The Hotline working for Chuck Todd. it was my dream job and I was in the most amazing city ever. life couldn't have been better.

then things got bad for my family and it became apparent that I would have to move back to Utah. I left feeling very accomplished, but beaten at the same time. I had no idea what I was going to do. Chuck and everyone else at Atlantic Media put me on leave and wanted me to come back. I agreed to try, but knew that it would be impossible. ...now what?

since then I haven't really had any big goals. I've just been getting by on little accomplishments. at least that's how it has felt. that's why when I saw that my life's theme song was Unwritten my first thought was, "no, that novel ended several years ago."

a few minutes later though I had an epiphany. I'm only 28 years old! my life is not over, it is still a blank canvass. there is so much more I can do. so much left to learn and experience. what a revelation! I hope I can hold on to it. this could definitely make things better for me. how could I have not seen this before? seriously? duh, christa!

things i love

It struck me today how blessed I am. sometimes I wonder what I did before arriving on earth to deserve everything, and especially everyONE, I have. so, I started listing the little things that make me happy and I thought I would share it with all of you.

1 – ice cream. of course this is on my list. after all, I was getting myself a root beer float when I had this epiphany. I can’t remember a hard time that ice cream didn’t help me through.

2 – cell phones. I feel naked without it. it is my connection to the world. but, especially to those I love that live farther away than I prefer. it is also my security blanket when I travel or do anything alone. yep, it has helped me become the independent woman that I am.

3 – sweatshirts. the first thing I do when I know I am home for the rest of the night is put on a sweatshirt. it gives me a sense of security, and comfort that no other article of clothing can. when I put my sweatshirt on, I know I can finally relax and let down my guard.

4 – a new hair cut. over the past month I have changed my hairstyle. it started by growing out my bangs so that I didn't have them anymore, and ended with me chopping about 9 inches off the rest of it. since then, I haven’t been able to stop playing with my hair! it feels so nice. so fresh and new. I love it! and it has sort of given me new confidence as well. who knew a haircut could do so much?

5 – iTunes. I remember the days when I would spend several dollars on a CD of a single song. I would scour the messed up racks looking for my favorite artists. It was a frustrating process. especially since I lived in the middle of nowhere and could only do this every few months when I was lucky enough to make the 2-5 hour trip out of town! well, no more my friends. iTunes has made my musical life so much easier, and definitely happier. whenever I want a song, I just log on and click buy. In a matter of seconds and for only 99 cents, I have the song I want and I can burn a CD, put it on my iPod, or just listen to it over and over from my computer. could it get any better than that?

6 – my bed. my Grandma Ekker died when I was only 11 years old. she lived just up the street from us until then, and we were very close. to this day, her death is the hardest one I have ever dealt with. my Grandpa Ekker died about 6 years ago and I was able to go down to their home and clean it out before it was sold a couple years ago. I inherited my Grandma’s nightstand, sewing machine, books, and her bed – the most comfortable bed I have ever laid on. all of these items hold a very special place in my heart but the bed holds me and my down comforter and silk cotton pillows every night in the most comfortable sleep I could wish for. …I plan to keep it forever.

7 – movies. they are my escape. but, not only do they take me far far away from reality when I watch them, they can also sometimes help me figure out the mysteries of life. I don't know, maybe it is a bad thing that a lot of what I learn comes from movies, but I enjoy it so back off! :)

8 – email. I got an email today from one of my aunts that I haven't seen or talked to for a long time. I was very close to her growing up, and really miss her. getting an email out of the blue from a long lost friend or someone I miss a ton can really brighten my day.

9 – my friends. when I step back and look at my friends I sit in awe. my friends are some of the most amazing people on this earth. I can't help but wonder how I got so lucky and what makes them want to stick around. they are definitely my top source of support and inspiration.

10 – my family. what can I say? I love them with all my heart. and my car's wear and tear is a direct result of all the time I try to spend with them. it's never enough time.

so, with all this, wouldn't you say I'm a pretty lucky girl?

all time top 5

have you ever watched High Fidelity ? John Cusack's character, Rob, lists his all time top 5 records by different categories throughout the movie, as well as his all time worst break-ups. side note: it's one of my all time favorite movies for a lot of reasons. I found myself thinking about it today while I was driving all over town in my car listening to Sara McLachlan's Wintersong album. I realized that I'm not sure I will ever get tired of that CD. I'm surprised I haven't worn it out yet... There are two songs in particular that I listen to over and over and over: River and Song for a Winter's Night. I know every word, and I sing really loud like a crazy person in my car. it's also really odd that I can listen to a Christmas album like this. do you ever do that or is it just me? what are some of the songs that have that effect on you? I should dedicate a blog to listing all of those songs that I have...

it's FALL!!

I LOVE fall! the thought that it's near is the only thing that gets me through summer. I worked at a wedding this weekend in Park City. it was beautiful! the bright yellow, red, orange and green trees against the dark clouds and rain took my breath away. and then when it snowed, the white powder brightened up the landscape. ...yeah, it snowed in September. the weather is always unpredictable here. it's one of those things I need to learn to be grateful for. although I have been revelling in how beautiful it is here lately. the mountains are amazing and create spectacular views while I am stuck in traffic on the way to and from work.

I am so glad the leaves are turning right now! it's the most beautiful thing in the world and I need something like this every day to cheer me up. I love the cool chill in the air and I dream of pumpkin pie and hot chocolate. I wish I had a fireplace, that would make everything perfect. to hear the crackle of the wood and smell the flames while I watch the snow fall and drink hot chocolate all snuggled up in my favorite blanket on the couch. who wouldn't love to do that every evening? Its such a cliche thing to do, I totally picture scenes from a million movies, but who doesn't want their life to be like a fairy tale movie?

the best part of waking up

I am a smell person. a smell can change my mood, evoke memories - good or bad, alter my thoughts. I had never found a laundry detergent that satisfied my need for pleasant smelling fabric, and I have always been disappointed about that. until now... I know this seems like paid advertising, but I assure you this is of my own free will. I LOVE the new Gain Joyful Expressions - Apple Mango Tango. I bought it last week and have been obsessively washing everything in my house. I am NOT a morning person, but my bed now smells of it and so do my towells, and let me tell you - it helps! so, anyway, if you are a smell person you should definitely try it. ...I'm worried about tomorrow morning though. I turn 26 tomorrow. I don't think the Apple Mango Tango smell of my sheets, my clothes and my towell are going to be enough to get me out of bed in the morning. I have never been effected by a birthday like this before. I am officially freaking out! I am not ready to be 26! I am having this impulse to flee. I just can't decide where. Park City to a nice hotel room and a jacuzzi? St. George to the spa and a free bed at my dad's? Vegas to the strip and my best friend's house? Flaming Gorge to the mountains and lakes? or will I just lie in my bed in a comatose state all weekend? we'll see what the day brings...

I hate snow... I love snow... I hate snow

I hate snow. always have. I especially hate driving in it. there was a blizzard this morning... that was a treat. but, the problem is that it is so darn beautiful. the street I live on looks exactly like this picture right after it snows... so gorgeous! so as soon as I am done cursing the snow I get in my car, start driving and immediately begin doubting my disdain for the heavenly white flakes softly falling all around me. but, thats just it, it is only pretty to look at. I hate how cold and wet it is, I hate how scary it is to drive in it (I get headaches from the tension), I hate skiing, snowboarding, etc. but the view from my office is amazing! I can see the mountains both east and west, downtown, and a huge valley full of trees, a golf course, canyons, etc. even when it snows, and it is all covered in white, a glimpse to my right can mean endless staring and distraction from working. man, I can't wait until Spring. I actually LOVE rain. I love to see the world coming alive again. and I have a front row seat to it all. ...but, that is too far away. lets focus on something a bit closer. I can't wait until next Tuesday! yay! that is when Rob will be back, and hopefully he will save me from going to yet another family get together alone... :)

roller coaster ride

life feels like a roller coaster sometimes. lately it feels like that really big one at Six Flags, the old rickety one. you are moving too fast, things are coming at you unexpectedly, you aren't stable or secure, and you can't escape the feeling that if you let any single muscle in your body relax you will surely die. If I started listing everything in my life that recently came hurling toward me, it would take an eternity. I am having a hard time keeping all of them straight in my head. hopefully this ride doesn't last too long, and I come out okay.

the trolley square shooting happened approximately 10 blocks from my house. I still can't believe such a tragic event happened so close to me. who knew something like that would happen in Salt Lake City? I am extrememly blessed that neither I nor anyone close to me was there that night. ...why do things like this keep happeneing? I am starting to get worn out from reading the newspaper and watching the news. maybe I should just stop and start existing in a bubble again... hmmm...

a kiss is just a kiss

I went down south for a couple days last week to see my mom, help her unpack and get settled, and make sure she got some rest after her surgery. My little sister, who is going to be 16 in a couple days, had her boyfriend over pretty much the whole time I was there and they were sneaking kisses as often as they could. It reminded me of when I was a teenager and how much I loved kissing. It was pretty much what I lived for. Every time my boyfriend kissed me I felt sparks, I melted. It was the best feeling in the world.

My kissing experiences have really evolved since then. Since high school, the "knock your socks off" kisses are few and far between. I've had some really bad kisses, some blah kisses, some pretty good kisses, and a couple WHOAH! kisses. When the guy that I am dating right now (that phrase comes from another story I will share in a different post), his name is Rob, kissed me for the first time, it was one of those knock your socks off, take your breath away moments! And every time we kissed for the next few weeks it was just like that. He is the best kisser I have ever kissed, and I thought nobody would ever beat Dustin. Not only is Rob really good at it, but there is a deeper connection. I have never clicked so well with someone emotionally, physically, intellectually, and spiritually all at the same time. My knees literally almost buckle. I don't even know how to begin explaining how this all makes me feel. When he kissed me, it was like I could finally exhale... I am lighter on my toes, I smile more, and I can't wait for the next kiss. I am going to be waiting for a long time though, he is gone for 6 weeks. I miss him so much it almost hurts.

Anyway, it has only been about three months, since the first kiss and we have already gotten into a pattern of automatic "pecks" when we say hello and goodbye. Sometimes I wonder what happened. Do we lose the fascination with kissing when we get older and more settled and secure in relationships? Not that I don't enjoy the quick hello and goodbye kisses, I still savor them, I just wish there were more knee-buckling moments, I want to feel like a kid again. And what a great world it would be if every hello and goodbye were accompanied by a knock your socks off kiss!

hectic

well, the new year started off with a bang! I don't feel like I have had time to breathe yet. we moved our office to the cottonwood corporate center this weekend. my catering business is taking off. I started my part time job with the event planner. the huntsman cancer event I am volunteering for is coming up. my mom is having surgery. I am working hard to squeeze in time with "the boy" whenever I can. and to top it all off, I found out last week that I have to move out of my apartment! that was quite a bombshell! I was finally convinced that I was settled. I was going to live here until I got married or bought a house... I didn't see this coming at all. so, I cried for a couple days and stayed up all night devouring craigs list, but I think everything is coming together. one of my friends needs a roommate at the same time I have to move out and the apartment is suitable, so thats the plan for now.

Its amazing what a full schedule like this can do to someone. Its been years since I have been this exhausted. but, at the same time, its been quite a while since I felt this fulfilled and happy. we'll see how long it lasts...

blue christmas

so, Christmas was great for the most part. my family situation was a little awkard, with the fact that my mom is already separated from her new husband, my little pregnant sister is far far away in Seattle, Amber and I are still hopelessly single, my mom still refuses to go to the extended family Christmas party, and my mom and dad actually spent Christmas together with us kids... but, all in all, it was a great weekend. well, except for the fact that I put on 3 pounds! :D I am officially back on my diet as of yesterday...

the Powell family Christmas party at the cabins was amazing, of course. I LOVE my extended family. my aunts and uncles are more like brothers and sisters to me since we are so close in age and I grew up with them. it is always good to see them. they bring me back down, remind me of who I am, where I came from, who I want to be, and what the whole point of all of this is. they know me pretty well, and I always feel better when I spend time with people that know me inside and out and still love me. it was also good to be spiritually fed by my grandparents, and jumped on and hugged by my little cousins. ...but - the party also got me a little depressed. my sister too. we are the oldest of the 35 grandchildren. well, I am the oldest, she is the 3rd oldest. there were 4 cousins younger than us that brought "significant others" with them. this was the first year anyone did that, so, of course, it was a big deal. it seemed like it was what everyone focused on. in fact, it seemed to be the theme of the party. "oh, we are so glad you brought someone! we are so excited to welcome new people into our family! you guys are such a cute couple. I'm so glad you all found each other." blah blah blah. I mean, yeah, its great and all, and I am just as happy for them, but what about the rest of us? are we failures? are we disappointing the family? are we now of little importance? is getting married all everyone really cares about? why didn't anyone seem to care that Justin took state in wrestlling, or that Kali won the spelling bee, or that I am starting my own catering business, or that Amber worked hard all year and bought a new Jeep, or that Ricki got a promotion at her job? ...so, not only do I have to face life alone, but I also have to be shunned by those that I am closest to? and if I do find happiness in being single, does that make me a rebel or a disgrace?

it doesn't feel right. maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. or maybe it is my own insecurity that is making me feel regarded in this way. whatever the case, it is hard to escape. I left the Christmas party wishing they could return to the way they were a few short years ago and dreading what those parties hold for me and my hopelessly single future...

blog slacker!

WOW! I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have written! life has been a big hectic whirlwind since I got back from DC. I really can't believe it has been two weeks... a lot has happened, and I have had a ton of thoughts. I better get to it.

I always put myself in overkill in December. for some reason I take on a million projects every year and I end up sleep deprived with an empty bank account! but, I am always satisfied and proud of my work - the gifts I give, the parties I throw, the delicious food I bake, the cards I make, the gift wrapping that looks like a work of art, and my cute winter apparel! I love it! I just wish it didn't wear me out. but, then again, I am happiest when I am extremely busy. when my days are full, I am too occupied to think about things. particularly the big questions like, "what am I doing with my life?" and it keeps my thoughts away from the bad situation my family is in down in Cedar City. which is good, because there is nothing I can do about it and thinking about it just brings me down for no reason. so, there's that, and also the fact that it makes me feel good. when I finish one of these busy projects it gives me a sense of accomplishment that has been steadily disappearing from my life since I graduated from college. I guess you could call me a "busy bee." I constantly need something going on in my life to keep me from making myself crazy. so, here are the things that have been keeping me crazy busy:

CHRISTMAS - shopping, crafts, baking, decorating, wrapping, travleing to parties, annual correspondence, etc.

Catering - I LOVE to cater, and I used to do it often when I lived back in DC. this weekend I finally got to do a job in Utah. I catered a huge dinner for 90 people. It was amazing, but it took up my entire weekend. I also had some business cards designed that I could hand out. my sister did an amazing job considering she hadn't used photoshop since high school.

Volunteering - I am a volunteer for the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I am coordinating the volunteers for the annual Radio-A-Thon fundraiser. It consists of lots of phone calls, emails, faxes, spreadsheets. sure, it sounds easy and a lot like what I do every day at work, but it does take up a lot of time.

Work - I had to stay late at work every day last week. I was in charge of our company's client gifts, Christmas cards and company party on top of my regular responsibilities. It got a little crazy at the office for me, to say the least.

right now I am experiencing the lull right before the big event. I only have two more little errands to run before Christmas day. things are quiet at work, and my mind is swirling with thoughts. the thoughts I usually try to avoid. but, I will try to enjoy swimming in them for now. here we go. ...should I go to grad school? who can I get to write my letters of recommendation? do I really want to burden myself with more student loans? do I want to get an MPP, MPA, or Masters of Poli Sci? should I really try to make christa lee catering work? maybe that would be a good lead-in to be a wedding planner. why do I want to do jobs like that when I have a degree in and a passion for poli sci? would I be abandoning my opportunity to actually make a good difference and impact in the world? ...does Rob really like me? has he lost interest? when am I going to get to see him again? should I make it obvious how much I like him? can I emotionally afford to leave myself open to get hurt again? but, I think he might actually be the one. you shouldn't try to protect yourself from the one, right? am I good enough for him though? I really do think I am a good catch, for many reasons, but does he see it in me? ...is my mom ever going to be strong enough to be happy? what in the world can I do to help her? and how is stacy going to come out of this situation? will her baby be okay? how can we get her back to Utah? is Rachel going to be okay? is my Dad going to live much longer? what if he dies before I get married? how will I handle it if my kids never get to know their Grandpa? am I ever going to be able to have my own family? am I going to be alone forever? why can't I find someone that will love me enough to want to marry me? or at least stay with me for more than a few months? ...why am I so obsessed with the chocolate phone? how can I get one? will I ever be able to afford my own apple laptop? I can't wait until my car is paid off. will I be able to stop myself from buying a new one once that happens? ...are the democrats going to be able to take back the white house? should I get on a presidential campaign again? who would I support? there are so many good ones. would America really reject a woman or a black man? if so, that is a sad commentary and I am ashamed. how long will it be before women and minorities are equal to white men? I can't believe they're not! have we even progressed since the civil war?

okay, thats enough. I need to find a project to work on. see! those thoughts are too much. I don't think I am the only one with thoughts like this though. we all deal with our own concerns - demons if you will. will any of us ever have life figured out? or are we all just doomed to wander in uncertainty forever until we finally die? okay, so that sounded grim, I promise didn't mean it like that. I just wonder if there are ever going to be any answers or sureties in my future...

vacations and holidays

I went down to St. George this past weekend to see my family and help my dad move into his new house. It was great, I love spending time with my family, and I love St. George. but, traveling always makes me really tired. and the short weekends driving all the way down to St. George can be pretty bad. I SOOOOOO need a vacation! lucky me, I'm getting one! I decided I need at least one semi-long vacation per year. It has been a whole year since I went on the cruise and I am itching for a trip so bad I can barely stand it. I leave for DC on Thursday - Thanksgiving morning. I am going to go spend the holiday with my best friends that are at law school in Williamsburg. I get to be there for 10 days! I am going to spend the bulk of my time in DC visiting old friends and my dearest former place of work - The Hotline. ...revisiting the past, my former life. I'm worried it might be heart-wrenching because I ache to live there again, but I am hoping that it will just be the perfect place to spend my much-needed time off. plus, I'm a total nerd and could wander around that city for days, all by myself, and be completely satisfied. so, until then I am trying to get a TON of work done so that they can handle things at the office while I am gone. I am also trying to spend as much time with "the boy" as possible. 10 days is a long time... I am going to miss him a lot. and then 10 days after I get back he heads to Venezuela for two weeks. It is going to be a long, lonely month... :( Its a good thing I have the holidays to keep me busy. speaking of which - I LOVE Christmas! my family rents two huge cabins in Teasdale every year and we spend a couple days there eating, playing games, watching movies, riding 4-wheelers and motorcycles, shooting clay pigeons, and laughing our butts off. I LOVE my family. We have a great time together. I look forward to that get-together all year long. I can't wait. finally - good things are ahead.

this thing called love

growing up, my mother drilled into my head the ideal and perfect future husband. he would be educated, good looking, sweet, mature, considerate, but most of all - he would be a mormon who had served a full time mission and kept himself worthy to marry me for time and all eternity in the temple. there is nothing wrong with this goal, but I think that maybe I took it a little bit more literally than my mother had in mind. I was told to never settle, so I haven't. but, I am also scared to death of marriage so I have been subjecting myself to horrible relationships with people that don't fit that mold in order to save myself from it. however, during all of these experiences I have realized that I could be perfectly happy with someone that didn't fit that exact mold. and I find myself a little perturbed that I have been made to believe that was the only recipe for success and happiness... after all, who fits that perfect mold anyway?

I think I have pretty good judgment. and by now, I definitely know what is going to make me happy and what isn't. I think it is okay for me to redefine my ideal future husband -- don't laugh, this really is an epiphany I just had and it sucks that it took so long for me to realize it. of course my religion is extrememly important to me, and I would love it if he felt the same about that as I do, but it won't be the end of the world if he doesn't. it is more important to me that we "get" eachother, that we have a good time together, and that we are willing to stand beside eachother through everything, help eachother with our goals, and be there for eachother during our life journey.

...now, excuse me for jumping the gun, but I think I found someone that actually fits this new mold I created. he even has some extra bonuses - he is a mormon that served a full time mission, he is a veteran, and he will definitely be rolling in the dough someday. so, why is it that I am putting up a huge guard and working my pants off to make sure I don't fall for him? what is wrong with me? I know that I have been hurt, and that I don't enjoy it and so I do try to protect myself sometimes, but - I also know that I want to fall in love and be happy more than anything. I guess my emotions are playing tug-of-war. ...I hope the love side wins with this one. I'm almost too scared to let him go.

you have got to be kidding me

first of all - YAY! WE WON!!! I have been meaning to post my excitement since it happened, so sorry it is so late. anyway, election night was the best. I went to Orem to Bethanie Newby's party and then hung out with my best friends, steve and marti, watching the results come in until about 3 AM. I couldn't have chosen a better way to celebrate. Bethanie didn't win, but that was expected. somehow, Utah is always an exception. I have no idea what it will take to give the Ds more power in Utah. I mean, democrats won all over the country, most of them in pretty shocking races, but Utah didn't change one bit... anyway, I'm super stoked about the national results and cannot wait until January when the 110th Congress takes power!

okay, remember when I said that the universe works against me? well, this past week was no exception. I got the flu. I was really sick, but work was too crazy and there was no way I could take a whole day off. so, on Thursday I slept in, took a hot bath, and then headed to work. It started snowing on the way and at the intersection of state and 4th South I was stopped at a red light when I got rear ended! I was the third car in the line, so it wasn't horribly bad, but my bumper got cracked. I had to wait for the police, and the paramedics wouldn't let me turn my car on so I sat there in the freezing snow filling out paper work and waiting... the good thing was that the paramedic was cute and asked for my number! the bad thing was that I was involved in another accident. this is my third bumper in the past 6 months! I am definitely tired of this. anyway, the guy's insurace got my car in the shop and me into a rental the very next morning, which is good. but, they put me in a HUGE TRUCK! haha! Its a 2007 Dodge Ram. It is nice, and only had 160 miles on it, but it is so huge! I hate driving it. and I know people see me driving it and laugh or stare. I had to call my brother so he could tell me whether to put gas or diesel in it... my friends and I drove it around Friday night though, and that was a lot of fun. the other trick the universe played on me this weekend was pretty painful. I have to be to church early so that I can print off the programs and hand them out. I was wearing my black heels and I had to park on the street because I was afraid to take the monstrosity I have been driving into the parking lot among all the other tiny cars. so, as I was walking downhill on the pavement around the side of the building, the bottom of my heel broke off and I slipped. I landed on my left knee and it slid across the asphalt. I felt the skin being ripped off! it was VERY painful. and I couldn't leave so I spent all of sacrament meeting wiping the stream of blood and clear goo off my leg. I spent all day cleaning it with peroxide and smothering it with pain relief neosporin. and today it actually hurts worse. I would post a pic, but I refuse to litter my blog. ;)

we had a girls night on Friday and went to an SUU Alumni event. we went to the hardrock and had appetizers, and then we went to the U and watched the T-Birds kick the Ute's @$$! :D It was great fun. PLUS - I got another catering job out of it! I will be catering the alumni scholarship fundraiser at Hale Theater in a couple months! I really hope this helps me get more catering gigs. I love it! plus, the money is nice... okay, so maybe things are looking good.

par-tay!

so, I actually did have fun on Halloween. I know - I wasn't feeling it, but I got invited to a haunted house at the last minute so I went. thank goodness for my awesome friends! generally, haunted houses aren't scary, but we got into it and my throat was sore from all the screaming afterward. I would reccomend the Nightmare on 13th to anyone in northern Utah! ...then, we took the party to my house and we watched The Exorcism of Emily Rose. I had seen it before, but it is one of my favorite scary movies. mostly because it is a true story. it totally freaks me out. then, we stayed up until about 3 AM talking about whether or not it could really be true, how it happens, what they should have done for the exorcism to work, etc. everyone there, except for me, was a returned missionary for our church so they had stories to tell and a lot of insight.

the next day I went to Cody, WY, with my boss. we didn't miss our flight this time, and I was extremely nervous to go, but it turned out to be a GREAT time! it was my first business trip and we went to the Buffalo Bill Historical Center, which is my client. I had a budget, media plan, and ad concepts to present and hopefully get approved. I had never been there so the first thing we did was go on a tour. there are five museums - natural history, buffalo bill, plains indians, western art, and firearms.
they are all AMAZING! they would fit in on the mall in DC, right along with the smithsonians! I am so proud to be representing them now! anyway, the meetings went well, everything was approved, and I even came up with a new tagline after having been to the museums that we are going to use in all of our 2007 ads! :) we went out for a drink, then to dinner with the clients -which was a hoot!- and then to the local watering hole. haha! there were only 8 people there, so my boss and I had a great time. It was COLD in Cody. my boss had to buy a carhart coat. he fit right in with the locals. ...the flight, however, sucked. those little planes are SO loud! I had never been so glad to get off an airplane before!

this past weekend, I went to a party at my friend Laurie's house. we watched Wait Until Dark in her basement on a big screen with a projector. we all screamed like a bunch of little girls at the end when the guy jumped out! haha! afterward we sang karoake, and I'm afraid I made a fool of myself. but, it was fun! I sang Sweet Home Alabama and The Rose just to name a couple. I was the life of the pretty dead party. hey - at least I sound better than cameron diaz!

I spent all day Saturday (well, at least the time that I was actually awake - I was fighting off the flu) helping with Bethanie Newby's GOTV canvass. I won't go off on politics and elections again, but I really wish she had a chance at winning. she is amazing... it was a saturday well spent.

anyway, things are generally going pretty well right now if I do say so myself.

my america

my ideal America probably wouldn't have political parties. my America would consist of a population that voted for a candidate based on what they stood for and how they were going to better their lives and the general state of the union. negative campaigning wouldn't exist, and more than 70% of the eligible population would vote. I know that is seriously stretching it, but we're talking about my dream situation, right? ...I have been thinking a TON about this lately. Alex's comment got me started so I thought I would make a full blog about it...

I hate that you have to play dirty to win, and that it is all about scheming and manipulating and strategy instead of the issues and the worthiness of the candidate. I have spent numerous hours, even months of my life, trying to figure out what needs to be done in order to change the way the system works. but, the only way I can see this happening, is for the American people to change the way they react to it all. Americans thrive on it. they vote based on fear, not hope. what I wouldn't give for them to vote for the person that they believe in - the person that is going to make things better for them. instead, they vote against people. they are scared of change, they are scared of candidates that are open-minded enough to go against the system. and they are unimpressed by those that are honest and sincere. I have seen it time and time again because I have been fortunate enough to work for candidates that are great people. they were actually honest and sincere, and they had America's best interests at heart. they would have made a very positive impact on our government. but, they always lose...

I will admit that voters have probably been negatively tainted by the way politicians have acted, and that they have lost faith, and for good reason. but, that isn't what matters. we could go back and forth all day about how we got where we are, but, what we really need to talk about is what we can do to change things...

now, that aside, and I know I might get blasted for this, and I will also admit that I am a bit ashamed of it, but - I LOVE campaigns, elections, and politics. I thrive on it. and - I am good at it. I know how the system works and I have learned how to manipulate it. I do want to be a political consultant. now, I either want this because I am a bad person that somehow thrives on all of this nonsense and see this as a legit way to deceive, strategize and manipulate, or I want it because I am smart and I know the only way I can make a difference is from the top. my hope is to climb my way up and become the democratic Karl Rove, and then do what I can with my power and influence to make the changes that both of us want to see. I hope I can do it. we'll see how it goes if I ever get there.

as far as the two-party system goes, I actually like it. I do know that because of it, there will never be a party that anyone completely agrees with, BUT - hear me out. there are usually two sides to an argument. at least there are two sides that the average person can understand. I know there can be more, but the majority of people only understand or care about the two major ones. so, having two parties makes it less complicated and easier on the American people. also, I love that power goes back and forth between the two parties. both parties have strenths, and the strengths of one overcome the weaknesses of the other. so, the republicans have had power for 12 years and have done the good that they can, and now the democrats are going to come in and do the good that they can, recovering where the republicans were weak, or messed up. it sort of balances out. it takes a lot of time, and costs a lot of money, but it sort of works out in the end... that is a VERY brief and shallow explanation of how I feel about it. these are the thoughts running around in my head during this election cycle. that, and pure bliss and excitement for the results tomorrow!

me versus the universe

I am not kidding. the universe is constantly working against me! why does the universe care so much about me? why did it choose me to torture? ...the key that opens our mail box gets stuck every day and almost cuts my finger every time I have to force it. the heel on my left shoe is extra slippery and I almost fall on my ass at least twice a day. my nails break to a painfully short length just as soon as they start to look good. my mascara brush loves to leave black marks on my nose. my shower head refuses to separate the showers of water like it is supposed to and I usually end up with just one big stream heaving at my head. I still get zits at the ripe age of 25. nobody can pronounce or spell my last name, and sometimes even my first. my bag gets stuck on my armrest almost every time I try to take it out of my car and causes me to fling my sunglasses or my CDs all over the front seat. I could go on...

yesterday my boss and I missed our flight. now, james flies all the time and he has NEVER missed his flight before. I just know it was because I was with him! from the moment we walked in the front door of the office that morning, the universe started its antics. all of a sudden james started receiving important phone calls he had been waiting on for days and my email wasn't allowing me to send those important last minute messages. when we finally got in the car, we got stuck behind a diesel that took up two lanes and was moving slower than cold tar. at the airport, there were no parking spots in the lot. the security line was double the average. and finally, our gate had been changed to the one located out in BFE, which we didn't discover until we were trying to get in the wrong line. ...trust me, this kind of nonsense goes on around me all the time! there are definitely more examples.

the LSAT was one major one. it didn't take a lot of little problems to screw this up, just one big one. I studied like crazy for 2 months, discarding my social life, and am still trying to recover. my sores were always pretty good, the average of them was what I was aiming for. but something majorly wrong happened to my brain on test day, and when I got my score back today, it reaffirmed my worries. it seems impossible that I scored that low. I dind't even get that low on the first practice test I took before I started studying! come one, we all know I am smart, so what happened? then there was my car accident. that ticket, plus the deposit for repairs took up all my money that I was going to use for the application process. and on top of that, the professor that was supposed to write the best recomendation in the world for me is no longer responding to my emails. I think the universe is telling me to stay the hell away from law school... am I right, or am I right?

I'm recently realizing it isn't just me though, that we all feel this way about our lives, all of our lives are stressful and msesed up, and it has made me feel less important. my perspective is changed forever. and even though I see myself as smaller in the universe, all of these things are majorly important to me. does this make me selfish? hmmm...

crash

I was involved in a minor accident a couple days ago. I'm still convinced that it wasn't entirely my fault and wish I had the energy and motivation to fight it in court, but the damage was very minimal so I will probably just suck it up. but, the facts still stand - the other driver was speeding, it was raining, he hydroplaned. he was also driving without his license, yet, I was the only one cited, and now the damage all rests on my insurance... anyway, whatever.

this whole thing has me thinking about a certain favorite movie of mine - crash. my friend Kelly and I went to the premier in DC and were able to meet some of the cast - Michael Pena, Brendon Frazier, and the writer/director. at first I thought this experience was the reason I loved the movie so much, but as time has moved on, I realize that it is just an amazing movie and totally deserved movie of the year, which it did get. ...anyway, one of the many themes of the movie is that we crash into one another sometimes just to make contact with another human. whether it be into a car, person to person, with your shopping cart, or with an object like a ball, we all subconsciously make contact with others. ...sometimes I feel really lonely, but I am not sure that my loneliness acts up subconsciously like that. but, then again, how would I know? ...so, was this crash a result of my recent loneliness? or was it just hard luck? I'm hoping hard luck, because I am too proud to admit that I am really that lonely...

free time once again

you know the feeling you get for the first few days after a huge burden has been lifted off your shoulders? well, that is the feeling I have right now. I took the LSAT on Saturday. its over. finally. since then, whenever I have a free minute or two, I breathe an audible sigh of relief when I realize I don't have to grab my study books and get to work. I took advantage of my free day on Sunday by sleeping, watching conference, and flipping through the channels all day. it was great! kind of made my Monday a little groggy, but still, totally worth it. ...when I went grocery shopping last night I didn't have to rush through the store. I took my time and wandered around picking up odds and ends that have been neglected the past two monhts as my head has been burried in books. watching Studio 60 last night wasn't accompanied by painful feelings of guilt. if this is what going back to school full time is going to be like, you might as well count me out right now. I think I have taken advantage of the free time we all have just because we don't have homework looming over our heads anymore.

...I was taking my time in the produce section last night, and one of the stock boys kept coming over to say hello. now, I'm not one of those people that hates greeters or friendly employees, but this kid seriously came up to me 5 or 6 different times while I was there, and just in the produce section. the store wasn't empty, there were plenty of customers. I have no idea why he singled me out like that. it was so uncomfortable for me that I ended up leaving the produce section without my plums... what was the deal? ....so weird. I definitely know he wasn't interested in getting my digits.

...on a side note, I LOVE FALL! I was able to drive out to Tooele Satruday afternoon to attend my cousin's birthday party. we went up Settler's Canyon and played around in a creek and the Fall leaves. it was so beautiful! now that I have free time, I need to drive up Cottonwood or Emmigration Canyon and take it all in. I will post pictures from these events as soon as I get them developed. yes, its sad, but true - my digital camera drowned in the creek at Memory Grove this summer and I haven't had the heart to replace it yet. and by heart, I mean funds of course... :)

okay, back to the grind...

3 weddings, 3 babies, and a funeral

so, this year been quite an adventure! I guess most years are, but these particular events have got me thinking. they have all altered my life somehow, taught me something, got me thinking differently, etc. okay, so, lets start with the three weddings -

first - my best friend Jackie. she was the last of my best friends from college I expected to get married. not because she isn't a great catch, because she definitely is, josh is one of the luckiest guys on the planet, but it just wasn't a priority for her, which as we all know, is very odd for a girl. especially a mormon one. she is one of the best people I have ever met and will always hold a very special place in my heart. we lived together all four years of college, shared a room for three of them, and have remained extremely close ever since, even though she moved to vegas for pharmacy school and I moved back east to dc for my own adventure. I can't remember a wedding I was happier to be at or more emotional about. she and josh have a great life ahead of them and once I got over my little bit of jealousy I was bursting from the seams with joy for them...

second - my little sister. I wish I could say I was happy about this one, but it is about the opposite of how I felt about Jackie. first of all, nobody was invited to the wedding, just my little brother who was asked to be the witness, and it was kept a secret for a couple months. this sister has had a particularly hard life and has made quite a few wrong turns, but I always hoped she would find happiness. I don't see it happening here, but stranger things have happened... I hope I am wrong about this guy that she married, but so far, he has done nothing but bad and wrong... and it is more than likely that he will be serving some time behind bars pretty soon...

third - my mom ... this one was particularly hard because I felt a combination of both. its hard to see your mom get remarried, but its even harder when you don't like the guy she's marrying. I have wanted nothing more my entire life for my mom than for her to be happy. she keeps telling me that she is happy with jeff, so I try to believe her and be happy for her. and part of me is genuinely happy for her. but, part of our relationship died that day. it felt like a real loss.

baby 1 - my best friends, one of the greatest couples I have ever met, had a baby boy a few months ago. he is beautiful! I loved him like he was my blood relative. they are a perfect little family. the perfect example of what I am striving for. but, the baby made me start to hear my biological clock ticking! haha! maybe it is a good thing they moved back east for law school...

baby 2 - one of my roommates from college is going to have a baby next month. I threw her a baby shower last week. she is the first of us (college roommates) to have a baby. I'm excited for her, and hope I don't hear the biological clock again...

baby 3 - my sister whose marriage I am more than concerned about recently told me she is 6 weeks pregnant. I'm going to be an aunt! wow... not to put a damper on the mood, but I have honestly wondered if I will end up raising this child. I am definitely up to it, but I think it is sad to bring a baby into the world with these kinds of concerns surrounding its life. my whole family is concerned, and since I have pretty much been the mom - or at least the responsible one - I'm sure it will be my burden. probably the first one I would gladly welcome, but a sad one to admit...

the funeral - okay, so I didn't actually attend this funeral, but one of my best friends had a recent suicide in his family and it threw me for a loop. he was young and left behind a wife and three beautiful kids. it made me realize several things - you never know when someone you love is going to be gone, and sometimes you never know how much someone is suffering inside. its important to care about these things and other people, never let yourself become too selfish. a single life is more important than anyone can imagine... and I want to make mine count...