online dating horror story #1

as some of you may know, this actually happened a couple months ago, but I couldn't bring myself to write about it until now. although I've been doing the online dating thing for years, I still feel pretty self conscious about it and hesitate to admit it. so, here we go... hi. I'm Christa and I meet guys online. there, I said it.

I have met quite a few great guys this way - just enough to keep me from deleting my profile. but, usually the ones that aren't meant to be, are REALLY not meant to be. take this one for example:

John (not his real name) and I had been talking on the phone and texting for weeks before we actually met. he seemed like a great guy. very intelligent, funny, good looking, motivated, well-read, cultured. all the things I look for. I wasn't worried about anything on my way to the coffee shop that night. in fact, the only thing I could think about was whether I would have a job a week later.

he was late. I sat at the high boy for about 10 minutes, and then he called to say he was in line ordering a drink and would be right there. he didn't offer to buy me one, which never really dawned on me until just now... anyway, he came and sat down and we had great conversation, we laughed, and found we had more in common than we thought. I learned that he had only been divorced for a few months, was raised Catholic but converted to Judaism a couple years ago, and was a self-proclaimed wine expert. then, out of nowhere, he starts asking me about Star Wars. I have never seen the movies, nor do I want to. he is appalled and vows to watch all of them with me. I let him know it isn't necessary, I will continue to be ok having never seen them. he still insists.

I try to change the subject, and he brings up Lord Of The Rings. I have seen them and I enjoyed them. he says, "my ex-wife could speak elvish. it was a huge turn on." I was in shock. what? elvish isn't a real language. how nerdy is that? he continued, "I used to know it pretty well myself. I even have a tattoo." "wow," I say, "what is it of?" he points to his arm and says, "it's a band around my bicep. it has the inscription that is on the ring." I'm pretty sure my face gave everything away at this point. what kind of universe had we just entered? where was the guy I had been talking to the past few weeks? he nervously said, "I don't usually reveal that until the 3rd date at least." I can see why.

I changed the subject again. started talking about skiing. he loves it. I hate it. wanted to make that clear to him right then. and he begins talking about all the strange vacations he has been on and wants to take. he spent a week on a Navy ship in California pretending to be a sailor, and now he wants to go live at the Mars station in southern Utah. "WHAT?" I say. my dad works for them. nobody knows about that place. it's in the middle of nowhere and it's a weird NASA training spot. he can't believe I know about it and that my dad worked there and he says he likes me even more now. all I can do is picture him in a space suit walking around in the desert and converting his urine into drinking water for two weeks. ...not attractive to me. not. at. all.

as we were walking out to our cars he said he couldn't wait to see me again, and that he thinks I'm beautiful, and all that jazz. I smiled and waved. I couldn't wait for it to end! what the......? the next day as I was cleaning out the art room at work I received a text from him that read, "did you have an enjoyable enough time fort night?" I didn't even know how to answer that. what does that mean? who was this guy?? needless to say, I haven't seen this guy again. am I wrong to write him off? I don't think so!

here's to online dating and the great stories it brings into my life. let's all pray I'm not single for much longer, ok?

do I look like a wall in this shirt?

while cleaning out my inbox at work today I was reminded of a very funny story that I just have to share. back in February I walked into the stairwell on my way to the third floor and I almost ran right into our CEO and VP of Marketing (hereafter referred to as VPM). I said excuse me and squeezed past when our VPM said, "that is a beautiful sweater!" I smiled and said thank you. I have to admit, it is one of my favorite sweaters. It has a black and gray baroque pattern, sort of like this:

as I happily approached the door to the 3rd floor I overheard our CEO say, "now, when I look at that sweater I think "that would look great on a wall,' you know, like the pattern." Our VPM replied, "yeah, that would be gorgeous." I realized that since I was almost out the door it wasn't intended for my ears, so I continued on, but then paused in shock and thought, "wow, I look like a wall." and this scene from Garden State immediately flashed into my head:

I then thought, "hmmm, I don't think looking like a wall is a good thing." I still haven't decided whether that comment was an insult or not. Since our CEO is one of the nicest and most Christ-like people I have ever met, I doubt it was meant that way, but it wasn't exactly a compliment, right? needless to say, I will never look at that sweater the same again.

when life hands you lemons...

...squirt the juice in the eyes of your enemies! I may never actually do something like that, but there's something about happy bunny sayings that comfort me when my life is overflowing with lemons. this may seem a little twisted to you, I know happy bunny isn't appealing, but my family gets it. we could laugh for hours at these distasteful stickers. think what you will, but we all have thoughts like these at one point or another. I have always wished I could be like happy bunny and just say them with a big smile on my face. like, the other day when a girl cut me off, almost hit me, and then decided to take it out on me by honking, flipping me off and then riding my ass dangerously close all the way up Bangerter. I wanted nothing more than to calm her down by saying something inappropriate with a big smile on my face. or would it have been appropriate in that situation? either way, we both know that I will never do something like that. instead, I live vicariously through happy bunny and it lightens my mood. here are a few more of my favorite lines. enjoy!

I'm not mean, you're just a sissy
I hear the other ucky people calling you
Look how nice I am not laughing at your dumbness
Is ass your real name?
Run along and die now
Just not a shit giver I guess
It's cute how you think I'm listening
It's sad your mom dresses you like that
Like the world needs more drama queens
I'll be nicer when you're smarter

and then Erica introduced me to JunkMail Greetings which is even better!! be afraid, I make cards and I might start using these as templates.