another big bump in the road...

well... where to begin... there has been a lot going on with the family that I have been hesitant to write about. there's something final about writing it in my blog. it somehow makes it real... definite. but, I have been in denial too long, so here I go.

On our way home from Seattle, Brett started getting sort of sick. He was having nerve problems in his arms and legs, and he couldn’t sleep. I thought it was wrestles leg syndrome, but a few days later his speech started slurring, he was studdering over simple words, and his vision was going blurry. So, my dad took him to the hospital. They did some tests, didn’t find anything, and scheduled him for a cat scan and MRI the next week. His cat scan came back normal, so they sent him home, but a few hours later called him to come directly back from the hospital. They had found spots in his brain with the MRI. They immediately started more tests, and that afternoon even gave him a spinal tap. They tested him for every virus they could think of, and everything came back negative. The only think they hadn’t ruled out was MS, and there were signs of that in the spinal tap. They kept him for four days, and came up with nothing. So, the last day they gave him steroid treatments and sent him home.

A few weeks later, after we were frustrated out of our minds with no answers, and his symptoms staying the same, he went in for his follow up MRI. It came back with the same lesions, plus one more. The neurologist then diagnosed him with MS, gave him information about different medications, and offered to get him an appointment with an MS specialist in Salt Lake. Since then, he has started taking Rebif shots three times a week, and his appointment with the specialist is in two weeks.

I went down the weekend the nurse came up from Vegas to train him to take his shots. I saw my mom for a couple days and she was having some serious pain and vision problems in her eye. A few days later she went to the doctor, who sent her to a different doctor, who sent her to an eye specialist, who ordered an MRI and told her she may have MS as well. They were waiting on more test results and are now comfortable enough with that possibility that they are sending her to the neurologist my brother is going to in St. George as soon as possible.

In the meantime we are all holding our breath, and learning what we can about MS. The night before the appointment with the specialist we are all going to the Collective Soul concert up here. I hope we can continue to use these hard times to bring us closer together. I know now more than ever that my family is the most important thing in the world, and I love them more than they will ever know. I am also more thankful for Marti than I ever thought I could be. She was already my best friend, but now I really really don’t know what I would do without her. Her mother died from MS about 5 years ago, and she has been the strength and comfort I have needed. Its amazing when you can find things to be thankful for in such hard times. …Keep my family in your prayers. I will keep you updated.

back from down under

Australia was amazing! it was amazing! let's see if I can do it justice with this post because that picture certainly doesn't. the flights were not fun. the 16 hour flight from LA to Sidney was a killer, and my legs and feet were actually seriously swollen. I will spare you the scary pictures. it was painful too, and we had to run to our flight from Sidney, which hurt like no other, and we missed our flight anyway. total travel time from Salt Lake to our hotel in Port Douglas was 30 hours! not fun. but, the good news when we got to Cairnes was this amazing bright purple Commodore that we picked up from Hertz! that, on top of learning how to drive on the wrong side of the road and wrong side of the car, attracted a lot of attention. we had fun with it. the drive along the coast, which I drove several times, was one of the most beautiful sights I had ever seen. we were in North Queensland, mostly in Cairnes, Port Douglas and Palm Cove. we were a stone's throw away from the great barrier reef the daintree rain forest, and several amazing islands. our hotel was great. we stayed at the five-star sheraton mirage in Port Douglas, right on the beach, but also surrounded by beautiful pools and lagoons. we had a private dinner on a boardwalk island in the middle of the lagoons the first night, we took everyone river rafting in the rain forest the second day, we gave them plenty of free time to go to the reef, and we took them to flames of the forest for dinner the last night.
which was amazing! there was a jungle man that blew fire and led us to the dinner, amazing food, and real Aboriginees that told stories and played the Didgeridoo afterwards. It was amazing! let's see... Janiel had a gecko in her room the first day. it was cute! and it was hilarious watching the little Asian boy try to catch it! haha! ...I ate some of the BEST seafood I have ever had, and I'm not sure it can be topped. the butter fish at Salsa was to die for! I also had kangaroo, which was absolutely disgusting. tough and ridiculously gamey. oh, and vegemite? the most repulsive thing I have ever tasted. seriously folks, I almost lost my lunch. ...Aussies are some of the nicest people you will ever meet, and the way they talk is adorable! they shorten almost every word and add "y" or "ie" to the end of it. barby. sunnies. swimmies. breaky. so cute! and just so much more cheerful than the US. I spent too much money. the markets on Sunday mornings in Port Douglas are pretty great. I also bought entirely too much candy and brought it home for everyone to try, which has been fun. I love these road signs, they always made me laugh, and the top one took me forever to figure out. you get a gold star if you can. I can't wait to go again. the painfully long flights are worth it. I am still in shock about how lucky I am to have this job. there is no way I will ever be able to afford to go on my own, but if any of you can, definitely do it!

hurricane humberto

okay, its been a really long time and I have a lot of things to write about, but I couldn't pass this title up. I'm sure you have heard about Hurricane Humberto on the news, its a sad story, I always hate hurricane season. not to make light of the situation for sure, but when I saw the hurricane's name on the TV screen I couldn't help but laugh. Hurricane Humberto could be the title of my life right now, the theme. my boyfriend, Rob, of more than a year's given name is Humberto Sanjuan. he changed his name to Robert a few years ago. anyway, I guess we "broke up" a few weeks ago, and the events that have occurred in it's wake really have felt like a hurricane just wrecking my life. ...I thought we were happy, things were going really well. we had just gotten over a small bump in the road, and things were good. I was about to move and become homeless for a few weeks until my apartment was ready, and he was excited to let me stay with him, and so was I.

two days before I had to move, I needed a different jack to change my tire so I called him. his phone was off. I left a message and sent a txt, but never heard back. I called the next day, same thing. phone off. I was homeless. so, I called some other friends and stayed with them for 2 nights before I headed to Australia (details of which will be in the next post, I swear). so, the next night after another phone call and an ignored email, I showed up at his place and knocked on the door a few times. he was there, but didn't answer. so, I went to Australia for 10 days, and never heard a word. I was in touch with his best friend and my new friend Leiner who told me he was doing the same to him. a couple days after I got back, rested from the jet lag, got out of the crystal inn and found a place to stay, I tried calling again, no answer. I emailed him, to be honest, it was kind of a harsh email, but who can blame me. two hours later he txted me and said, "I'm ok, and I'm not mad at you. I'm sorry for everything." I was confused, and tried to get more out of him, but he was more interested in asking me how my day was and how Australia was. frustrated out of my mind, I stopped answering his txts. the next night he txted again to see how I was. he was sick. I frankly didn't care much, so they were short texts. then I didn't hear from him for about another week.

when I talked to Leiner last week he told me that he found out that Rob has been dating his wife - their divorce isn't final. and when he confronted him about it, Rob didn't say much and they haven't spoken since. I was furious. not just for me, but for Leiner too. I still can't believe he would do that to his best friend. the one he has always considered the brother he never had. so, I went to his apartment, he was there, I pounded on the door. he didn't answer. I pounded again, no answer. I called, he ignored it. so, I left... in tears. I cried for a while, maybe an hour or two, but then I swore I wouldn't waste any more tears on him, and I haven't cried again.

I can't explain how I feel. without going into too much detail of private information, I gave him more than anyone else I have ever dated. I gave him my all. I trusted him when my gut told me to be more careful. I was extremely patient with the smaller than baby steps he was taking with me, even though it was sometimes hurtful. I did everything he asked me to, I was ALWAYS there for him, no matter what. I wanted to be with him, I was sure he was the one, and I did everything I knew it would take to make sure things worked. so, as you can imagine, I feel taken advantage of. I feel sort of abused. but, mostly I feel very very unloved. he told me he loved me, and there were many times he showed it and I believed him, but I have every reason to believe he was lying. every few days I learn something new, something he lied to me about. it has been a whirlwind, and it really does feel like a hurricane.

right now I'm not sure I'm ever going to date again. life is moving on, and is good most of the time. I still LOVE my job, and the new apartment is great, and so is living with Amber and Holly. I may have the energy to start rebuilding my life and my self-esteem, and self worth. I am going to be more than ok, I am sure of it. in the meantime, I just hope the storm subsides and I make it to shore ok...