fear

I have been scared of a lot of things in my life. Things such as heights, snakes, semi trucks, guns, etc. But the things that I fear don't compare at all. My fears have weighed on me for as long as I can remember. They run deep. And they aren't there without reason. For one, I fear becoming an old maid. This is because I was raised Mormon in a small town. All I knew was that marriage and babies came before 20. Although I am very happy, I have far surpassed that cultural deadline.

I fear losing those closest to me. I've been to a lot of funerals that hit way too close to home and my dad has miraculously survived 5 heart attacks. To this day unexpected phone calls from family and close friends tie my stomach in knots and suspend my breathing.

I fear failure. Losing everything I have worked for and/or everything I own would be completely devastating. I have a deep sense of accomplishment that keeps me going every day. I'm not sure how I would function without it.

But most of all, I fear for my health. And more specifically, I fear cancer. The idea that something could take control of my body by slowly and quietly killing it while there is still no cure, has haunted me most of my life. My Grandma Ekker survived breast cancer. I was too young when it happened to know all of the details, but I knew she was changed. She had a mastectomy and was forever changed physically. But, I noticed a deeper change. I felt that it had knocked the wind out of her soul. Life weighed heavier on her. Since then I have seen cancer suck the life out of many. And not just those suffering from it but from everyone around them. It's draining. It's taxing. It's harsh and unforgiving. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy and I have continually prayed to keep it far from me and those I love.

Five weeks ago I went in for my annual physical. Despite the fact that I never had health insurance growing up and rarely saw doctors, I have made it a point to be very diligent about my health care. This was a normal day for me. Part of my yearly routine. But this time was different. My doctor found abnormal hormone levels and a high white blood cell count so he referred me to an Endocrinologist.

To make a long story short, I was diagnosed with Hyperthyroidism and the doctor decided to take a closer look. It took less then a few seconds for him to locate a large tumor on my Thyroid and decide to do an ultrasound. Because of the size and abnormality of the tumor I was instructed to get in for a biopsy as quickly as possible.

My doctor made every effort to put me at ease with the situation. I walked away feeling like everything would be fine, which made the days leading up to the biopsy a lot easier. However, it also sent me there very ill-prepared. It was one of the most painful things I have ever had to tolerate. I ended up nearly passing out from the pain and having to stay a while before I could be discharged. This put the fear back in me.

36 hours later my Endocrinologist called me with the news. All three of the samples taken for the biopsy had come back cancerous. Despite his best efforts to comfort me, the word cancer threw me for a loop. I wasn't prepared for it. I'm still not prepared for it... I spent the next couple days crying and then I hit the internet to educate myself about what was going on. It turns out that my doctors were right. If you have to have cancer, you want it to be Thyroid Cancer. And if you have to have Thyroid Cancer, you want it to be Papilary Thyroid Cancer which it turns out I have.

Two weeks later I met with my surgeon. My mom came with me for this appointment. We scheduled my surgery, a Total Thyroidectomy, for May 25 at LDS Hospital. I had about a month to prepare myself for the procedure. Despite all of the comfort I have received from my doctors, my research and my friends and family, I am scared to death. I have never been a patient in a hospital let alone undergone a 4 hour surgery removing one of my organs. I have had a hard time sleeping and I start to panic at least once a day. I have had very disturbing dreams that involve my insides coming out when the doctor slices my neck open.

I fear the surgery and I fear the effects it will have on me. A scar on my neck, critical medication for the rest of my life, yearly checkups to look for returning cancer cells, possible vocal chord damage, the painful recovery, and so much more. My mind won't stop coming up with more reasons to be scared. But, in less than 48 hours it will all be over with. I do have a few things to look forward to. For one, I will no longer have Hyperthyroidism. I look forward to never experiencing the symptoms of that again. Hopefully my metabolism will normalize as well.

The best thing that has come out of all of this is the realization of how many people care about me. Sometimes it's easy to forget that. I'm definitely loved.

I look forward to my post-surgery life. My life as a cancer survivor.