Last week, this happened. It was happening while my siblings were on their way to my house for the weekend. So, I was busy cleaning my apartment and blowing up an air mattress while shoppers at my neighborhood grocery store were being randomly stabbed with a kitchen knife. I didn't hear about it until the next day and when I did I realized that it's never taken me that long to hear big news like that before. I should have received a phone call from my dad during the local news asking me if I had been stabbed. But, I didn't. Nobody worried about me or wondered if I was ok. While things like that happening in my neighborhood are always sad and disturbing to hear, this was the first time it had made me feel completely alone.
It's been getting easier to get back into the swing of things and live life day to day, but the pain isn't subsiding. Little moments like this one remind me how much I'm missing without him, sometimes several times a day. And I still have moments where it seems impossible. That there is no way I am never going to see or speak with my dad again. In these moments life feels too long and extremely empty.
I always loved getting those check-in calls from my dad when he was watching the news, but I didn't realize just how much of an impact they had on me. As the only single and childless sibling in the family, it's very easy to feel lonely. My dad's calls reminded me that I wasn't alone and that I meant the world to him no matter what my circumstances were or where I was. I know that I still do, and I know that he is watching over me, but it's a difficult thing to feel. My feelings are all being used up by sorrow and grief.
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