blog slacker!

WOW! I can't believe it has been two weeks since I have written! life has been a big hectic whirlwind since I got back from DC. I really can't believe it has been two weeks... a lot has happened, and I have had a ton of thoughts. I better get to it.

I always put myself in overkill in December. for some reason I take on a million projects every year and I end up sleep deprived with an empty bank account! but, I am always satisfied and proud of my work - the gifts I give, the parties I throw, the delicious food I bake, the cards I make, the gift wrapping that looks like a work of art, and my cute winter apparel! I love it! I just wish it didn't wear me out. but, then again, I am happiest when I am extremely busy. when my days are full, I am too occupied to think about things. particularly the big questions like, "what am I doing with my life?" and it keeps my thoughts away from the bad situation my family is in down in Cedar City. which is good, because there is nothing I can do about it and thinking about it just brings me down for no reason. so, there's that, and also the fact that it makes me feel good. when I finish one of these busy projects it gives me a sense of accomplishment that has been steadily disappearing from my life since I graduated from college. I guess you could call me a "busy bee." I constantly need something going on in my life to keep me from making myself crazy. so, here are the things that have been keeping me crazy busy:

CHRISTMAS - shopping, crafts, baking, decorating, wrapping, travleing to parties, annual correspondence, etc.

Catering - I LOVE to cater, and I used to do it often when I lived back in DC. this weekend I finally got to do a job in Utah. I catered a huge dinner for 90 people. It was amazing, but it took up my entire weekend. I also had some business cards designed that I could hand out. my sister did an amazing job considering she hadn't used photoshop since high school.

Volunteering - I am a volunteer for the Huntsman Cancer Institute. I am coordinating the volunteers for the annual Radio-A-Thon fundraiser. It consists of lots of phone calls, emails, faxes, spreadsheets. sure, it sounds easy and a lot like what I do every day at work, but it does take up a lot of time.

Work - I had to stay late at work every day last week. I was in charge of our company's client gifts, Christmas cards and company party on top of my regular responsibilities. It got a little crazy at the office for me, to say the least.

right now I am experiencing the lull right before the big event. I only have two more little errands to run before Christmas day. things are quiet at work, and my mind is swirling with thoughts. the thoughts I usually try to avoid. but, I will try to enjoy swimming in them for now. here we go. ...should I go to grad school? who can I get to write my letters of recommendation? do I really want to burden myself with more student loans? do I want to get an MPP, MPA, or Masters of Poli Sci? should I really try to make christa lee catering work? maybe that would be a good lead-in to be a wedding planner. why do I want to do jobs like that when I have a degree in and a passion for poli sci? would I be abandoning my opportunity to actually make a good difference and impact in the world? ...does Rob really like me? has he lost interest? when am I going to get to see him again? should I make it obvious how much I like him? can I emotionally afford to leave myself open to get hurt again? but, I think he might actually be the one. you shouldn't try to protect yourself from the one, right? am I good enough for him though? I really do think I am a good catch, for many reasons, but does he see it in me? ...is my mom ever going to be strong enough to be happy? what in the world can I do to help her? and how is stacy going to come out of this situation? will her baby be okay? how can we get her back to Utah? is Rachel going to be okay? is my Dad going to live much longer? what if he dies before I get married? how will I handle it if my kids never get to know their Grandpa? am I ever going to be able to have my own family? am I going to be alone forever? why can't I find someone that will love me enough to want to marry me? or at least stay with me for more than a few months? ...why am I so obsessed with the chocolate phone? how can I get one? will I ever be able to afford my own apple laptop? I can't wait until my car is paid off. will I be able to stop myself from buying a new one once that happens? ...are the democrats going to be able to take back the white house? should I get on a presidential campaign again? who would I support? there are so many good ones. would America really reject a woman or a black man? if so, that is a sad commentary and I am ashamed. how long will it be before women and minorities are equal to white men? I can't believe they're not! have we even progressed since the civil war?

okay, thats enough. I need to find a project to work on. see! those thoughts are too much. I don't think I am the only one with thoughts like this though. we all deal with our own concerns - demons if you will. will any of us ever have life figured out? or are we all just doomed to wander in uncertainty forever until we finally die? okay, so that sounded grim, I promise didn't mean it like that. I just wonder if there are ever going to be any answers or sureties in my future...