blue christmas

so, Christmas was great for the most part. my family situation was a little awkard, with the fact that my mom is already separated from her new husband, my little pregnant sister is far far away in Seattle, Amber and I are still hopelessly single, my mom still refuses to go to the extended family Christmas party, and my mom and dad actually spent Christmas together with us kids... but, all in all, it was a great weekend. well, except for the fact that I put on 3 pounds! :D I am officially back on my diet as of yesterday...

the Powell family Christmas party at the cabins was amazing, of course. I LOVE my extended family. my aunts and uncles are more like brothers and sisters to me since we are so close in age and I grew up with them. it is always good to see them. they bring me back down, remind me of who I am, where I came from, who I want to be, and what the whole point of all of this is. they know me pretty well, and I always feel better when I spend time with people that know me inside and out and still love me. it was also good to be spiritually fed by my grandparents, and jumped on and hugged by my little cousins. ...but - the party also got me a little depressed. my sister too. we are the oldest of the 35 grandchildren. well, I am the oldest, she is the 3rd oldest. there were 4 cousins younger than us that brought "significant others" with them. this was the first year anyone did that, so, of course, it was a big deal. it seemed like it was what everyone focused on. in fact, it seemed to be the theme of the party. "oh, we are so glad you brought someone! we are so excited to welcome new people into our family! you guys are such a cute couple. I'm so glad you all found each other." blah blah blah. I mean, yeah, its great and all, and I am just as happy for them, but what about the rest of us? are we failures? are we disappointing the family? are we now of little importance? is getting married all everyone really cares about? why didn't anyone seem to care that Justin took state in wrestlling, or that Kali won the spelling bee, or that I am starting my own catering business, or that Amber worked hard all year and bought a new Jeep, or that Ricki got a promotion at her job? ...so, not only do I have to face life alone, but I also have to be shunned by those that I am closest to? and if I do find happiness in being single, does that make me a rebel or a disgrace?

it doesn't feel right. maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill. or maybe it is my own insecurity that is making me feel regarded in this way. whatever the case, it is hard to escape. I left the Christmas party wishing they could return to the way they were a few short years ago and dreading what those parties hold for me and my hopelessly single future...