get a clue

I was driving home from work the other day pondering some recent developments in my life when I heard my dad's voice loud and clear say, "christa, get a clue!" and just like that I was looking at everything from my dad's perspective instead of with my emotions. as a side note, and I will go into more detail about this in a different post, when my dad talked to me like this he would pronounce my name CHRITTA in a very goofy voice. that is what I heard.

I'm a girl. that's the excuse I use for letting my emotions rule my decisions and plans. but, I do know that I can change that. my dad was the most logical and calm person I have ever met. he is the perfect example of smart and level-headed decision making. I wish I had a vocal recording of my dad saying "get a clue!" so that I could play it to myself every time I started getting emotional and stressed out. hopefully my brain has it stored securely enough that I will be able to hear it for the rest of my life. my biggest fear is that things like this will start to fade...

one smart and lucky girl

during my last grief therapy session we focused on bringing my best memories of dad out of hiding. this one was so good I had to immediately write it down so that I can go back to it whenever needed.

as soon as I graduated from college I packed up and moved to DC. it was my dream and I could not wait to start living it. I loved it there. it felt right. I was happy. it was the best two years of my life. but, suddenly one day it hit me like a ton of bricks that I needed to move home. the idea came out of nowhere. I intended on living in DC forever and I was very happy about it. but, once I realized that I needed to move home to be with my dad, the thought wouldn't leave me alone. it was like a cancer taking over my thoughts. so, I left my dream job, packed up my car, drove across the country and moved in with my dad in St. George.

during the 9 months or so that I lived there we had numerous long talks, pep talks and other education and philosophical adventures. I cherished every single one of them. but, there is one that stands out in particular. I was cooking dinner for my dad and brett and there was a history channel show on in the background about the historical and scientific accuracy of the bible. so, naturally, my dad and I were in a deep discussion about religion, history, science, the bible and philosophy. I both loved and hated these conversations. hated because I rarely presented arguments that my dad couldn't immediately quash. and loved because I learned so much from those conversations. I learned how to adequately speak my mind, a bunch of history, and a ton about my dad.

near the end of this conversation, just as I was plating his dinner, my dad looked at me and said, "this is why you're my favorite. you think for yourself, you aren't a sheep. and you're pretty damn smart too." ...in that moment I felt more joy and love than I ever have in my life. if I never heard a compliment again, I would be ok. he believed it and so did I. he loved me, and that was all I needed. life was good. and I was the luckiest girl in the world.

uncharted territory

For quite a while there I thought I would never post on my blog again. But I suddenly find myself in uncharted territory and in dyer need of somewhere to write about it. Writing has always helped me figure things out. It's a way to wade through the huge mess of thoughts and feelings that are overtaking me and using up all of my energy. There are things I think, but don't quite understand and things I remember and never want to forget. So... this is my place.

For the past eleven and a half years I have lived every day on edge waiting for my worst fear to come true. On January 20, 2012, my father passed away and that fear was realized. Now... everything is different. I am a different person. My life will never be the same, and I am still trying to figure out how, what, when, where, why... It's all confusing.

I was very lucky. I was able to live the first 30 years, 9 months and 9 days of my life with the most amazing father anyone could ask for. I am who I am because of him and I learned so many things that I have yet to take advantage of. I need to get it all down, burn it into my memory, never let it die. And then I need to live a life that would make my dad proud... This is what I resolve to do.