my heart

Margaret Kennedy said, "It is better to break one's heart than to do nothing with it." well, I don't know about that, but I do know that I have learned a TON from all of my past relationships. I guess that does make it worth it. but, man, has it been rough! I have learned a lot, but I am also really tainted and scarred! and that makes it really hard to take more chances. I'm going to do it though. I have to. how will I ever get what I want if I don't? hopefully I will keep doing things right and this story will finally have a happy ending...

just ahead...

I got a call on Thursday night with the best news I had heard in a LONG time. Steve invited me to go to his family's cabin at Strawberry Reservoir with him for the weekend! It was actually pretty much what I had been praying for for a few days! it was so great! I really needed some time to just chill and relax and ignore my cell phone. and it is so beautiful up there! look at how cute we are too! we had a great time.

so, I have a lot to look forward to lately! things aren't exactly a bowl of cherries right now, but in about 2 weeks I am catering another wedding. this time its a lunch and I'm very excited! then two weeks after that I get to assist with a very high profile 2-day wedding here at Red Butte Gardens. Martha Stewart Weddings is going to be here photographing it! I can't wait! a couple days later is little Sam Crawford's first birthday party! yay! I can't wait to see them! my most favorite people in the world will finally be here to visit for a few weks. then the weekend after that is my cousin's wedding, and he is marrying my friend from college that I set him up with, so that will be fun, and then the next day we are driving to Seattle for a few days to see my sister and her new baby and we will be stopping in Idaho to see some relatives we haven't seen in a while. so, it should be a fun month! but, my sister's baby is breech, so she has to have a c-section on May 7. she and my mom are upset about it, and my mom is flying out there the day before and staying for a week, but I'm sure it will be fine. I'm just sad that I have to wait almost 3 weeks to see them.

my housing situation is still up in the air. my landlord might actually want us to stay for another year now, instead of selling the house. which would be nice because I HATE moving, but on the other hand, I would love to move into a bigger better place. especially with more kitchen space... and my lease ends the end of May, so those few days could turn out to be a disaster. so, we'll see what happens. anyway, I can't wait to be an aunt! I'm too old not to be one!

what about me?

remember when you were growing up and everyone was always talking about how you didn't know who you were yet and you had a lot to learn and figure out about yourself? I always thought they were full of crap! I never understood how someone could not know themself. I mean, we are the only ones in our own heads 24/7, right? well, yeah, but I now know what they were talking about. at 26 I feel like I have a good handle on who I am, what I want, what I am going to do, how I react to things, etc. but, I still surprise myself sometimes. I still get those light bulb "aha" moments when I learn new something new about myself. ...this weekend I disappeared to St. George. I spend a lot of time with my family, it always feels good to be around the people that love you the most no matter what. I did my little sister's hair for prom, as well as two of her friends. I got the windows in my car tinted. went to a movie... I also spent a lot of time alone reflecting and trying to figure out how to handle a situation that developed the night before I took off. I know that one of the things about me is that I am a self-sacrificer and those close to me always come before myself. I also know that in the battlefield of love I am usually quick to surrender without too much of a fight. that is probably my problem. so, not anymore! I am going to come first this time. I am goign to fight for what I want, what I deserve. and I am not going to give up until the fat lady sings... :) anyway, in the meantime, I have been answering those questionaires that get sent around through email and myspace, just to prove that I know myself and that I am a pretty awesome person! so, here are some of those questions just for you:

What is your favorite thing to wear? - My PJs
Last thing you ate? - a bottle of water... and a couple bites of a banana
I say Shotgun, you say? - Bang! Whats up with that thang? I wanna know... (you better know that song!)
Last person you hugged? - Rob, last night
How many U.S states have you been to? - Around 28 or so.
How many of the U.S states have you lived in? - 4: Utah, Virginia, Iowa, and Ohio
Does anyone you know want to date you? - yeah... too bad I'm not into him. that would be convenient
Who/What made you angry today? - when I thought about what happened three days ago (we won't go into details)
Favorite type of Food? - Thai and Japanese, sushi
Favorite holidays - I'm not really into holidays anymore. unless I get paid days off from work for them.
Do you download music? - yes, I'm kind of obsessed with iTunes
Do you care if your socks are dirty? - yes! as everyone should. sick...
Do you love anyone? - yes. a little too much as it turns out...
Do you like George Bush? - no. hell no.
Have you ever bungee jumped? - Nope and I never will.
Has anyone ten years older than you ever hit on you? - yes, a few times. it can be flattering, bt it can also be creepy and scary.
How much money do you have in your pocket? - I don't have pockets right now, but I never keep money in my pockets anyway, that is what a wallet is for.
What are you listening to right now? - my iTunes is on shuffle. right now its the Dixie Chicks... oh, wait, now its Jimmy Buffet
What is your current fav song? - Easy Silence by The Dixie Chicks and Hide and Seek by Imogen Heap
What was the last movie you watched? - I watched two last night to keep my mind occupied. Reign Over Me and Blood Diamond. both good.
Do you wear contacts? - Yes and will for a couple more years until I can pay for lasik
What are you afraid of? - getting hurt, being alone for the rest of my life. heights.
How many piercings have you had? - 7. all in my years. I'm down to two now...
How many pets do you have? - None. not a fan of animals. ...don't judge me!
What's one thing you've learned? - I'm learning a huge lesson right now, I Just haven't quite figured out what it is going to be yet. but I could write a book about everything I have learned.
What do you usually order from Starbucks? - chai latte. sometimes with sugarfree almond flavoring. YUMMY
Have you ever fired a gun? -yes. I'm a hick. haha
Are you missing someone? - yes. a few people actually. but one person in particular. very very much
Fav. TV show? - Gray's Anatomy, Brothers and Sisters, What About Brian, Desperate Housewives, Scrubs, The Office... I watch way too much TV
Has anyone ever said you looked like a celeb? - growing up I was constantly told I looked like Sandra Bullock, its even in my year book a few times. I don't think so anymore though
Favorite movie of all time?: - wow, I don't have one of all time. but, I do watch Sweet Home Alabama, The Wedding Planner and Spanglish way too much. oh, and I LOVE The Count of Monte Cristo
Do you find yourself loved? - not really. mostly just by my family. that is what is killing me right now. pretty sad, right?
Butter, plain, or salted popcorn? - all. I love popcorn in almost any way
What Magazines are you reading? - Martha Stewart Living and Martha Stewart Weddings. shouldn't it ask about books? come on! I am reading The Audacity of Hope by Barack Obama
Have you ever ridden in a limo?: - no, I actually haven't... never thought about that.
What's something that really bugs you? - when I am lied to. and when I don't know the answer to something and can't find it. fake people, selfish people. when someone acts like they know something that they really know nothing about.
Do you like Michael Jackson? - love his music. used to love him when I was growing up. sometimes I just think he is a sad misunderstood guy.
What's your favorite smell? - rain in the desert. freshly baked bread. Rob...
Favorite baseball team? - DC Nationals! heck yes! although I can't say I actually follow it
Favorite cereal? - Cracklin Oat Bran
What's the longest time you've gone without sleep? - 36 hours. Election Day 2004 for work. yeah, it was the craziest work day ever!
Last time you went bowling? - about a year ago for a company party
Where is the weirdest place you have slept? - the hall floor of my high school I think...
Who was your last phone call? - the secretary at my dentist's office to confirm my appointment... sad! but the peson before that was my mom.
Last time you were at work? - right now! haha! I'm a slacker
I WANT: Companionship, love and less drama
I ALWAYS: expect too much
I AM NOT: perfect...
I DANCE: salsa on cruise ships! but usually when nobody can see me.
I SING: In the shower, in the car, or whenever the music is loud.
I CRY: way too much! it always makes me feel better though
I AM NOT ALWAYS: polite
I WIN: when I play Dr. Mario or Tetris against anyone else!
I SHOULD: seriously stick to a diet!
First Best Friend: Pamela Johnson
First Crush: Patrick
First Real Girlfriend/Boyfriend: Patrick... or Adam Robison, I can't remember...
First Date: I really can't remember. I started way too young... I think it was when I went to Huntington with Adam to meet his family when I was 15.
First Kiss: Patrick
First Album/CD: Wilson Phillips and The Lost Boys soundtrack! yeah baby!
First Piercing/Tattoo: My mom pierced my ears when I was like 2. and I will never have a tattoo!
First True Love: Dustin Anderson
First Enemy: April Blackburn! she was a real bitch! nobody since then though. just her.
First Time Dying My Hair: Black in 7th grade...
First Formal Dance: My Junior Prom, with Billy Jeffrey who died in an accident 3 years later...
First Time Breaking A Bone: I've never broken a bone! knock on wood!
First Time Getting Really Sick: I don't remember... I never got that sick growing up and its a good thing because we didn't have health insurance.
Last Cuss Word Uttered: Shit, its one of my favorite words
Last Compliment: last night he told me I was beautiful and that he missed me.
Last/Current boy/girlfriend: Its all about Rob right now
Last Kiss: Rob, last night. he is seriously the best kisser I have ever kissed. and I didn't think anyone would ever outdo Dustin!
Last Good Cry: last night when I drove away from Rob... why do relationships have to be so difficult?
Last Person That You Saw Naked Besides You: umm, I generally try to stay away from naked people...
Want to get married: definitely
Think you're a health freak: a lot more than I used to be, but no, not really
Get along with your parents: it has totally flipped. I didn't get along with my dad growing up, now we're really close and I don't get along with my mom as well.

see - I'm amazing! ;)

so this is how it feels to be 26

wow... I am 26 years old. yesterday was a pretty good day actually. I'm not going to lie, I was freaked. I wanted to flee. but, it turned out to be a pretty good day thanks to my unbelievably amazing friends and family! my co-workers took me out for sushi for lunch! YUMMY! I had been craving it for a while. and Jamie gave me a spider plant! then Rob "kidnapped" me from work for an hour later that afternoon and took me out for a drink. that was fun. when I got home my sister had gifts for me to open and cake! I get an angel food cake with strawberries and whipped cream every year... I felt like a kid again. then, after spending a couple hours talking on the phone to the tons of people that called I went to Johnny Carino's for dinner with Steve, his new beau Brandon and Amber. I love the bottomless Italian sodas! and our hot waiter gave me free tiramisu for my birthday dessert! YUMMY! so, yeah, all in all it was a good day and the thought of being an old maid didn't even cross my mind. look at all that food! I should never eat again! wow...

the best part of waking up

I am a smell person. a smell can change my mood, evoke memories - good or bad, alter my thoughts. I had never found a laundry detergent that satisfied my need for pleasant smelling fabric, and I have always been disappointed about that. until now... I know this seems like paid advertising, but I assure you this is of my own free will. I LOVE the new Gain Joyful Expressions - Apple Mango Tango. I bought it last week and have been obsessively washing everything in my house. I am NOT a morning person, but my bed now smells of it and so do my towells, and let me tell you - it helps! so, anyway, if you are a smell person you should definitely try it. ...I'm worried about tomorrow morning though. I turn 26 tomorrow. I don't think the Apple Mango Tango smell of my sheets, my clothes and my towell are going to be enough to get me out of bed in the morning. I have never been effected by a birthday like this before. I am officially freaking out! I am not ready to be 26! I am having this impulse to flee. I just can't decide where. Park City to a nice hotel room and a jacuzzi? St. George to the spa and a free bed at my dad's? Vegas to the strip and my best friend's house? Flaming Gorge to the mountains and lakes? or will I just lie in my bed in a comatose state all weekend? we'll see what the day brings...

the flood

my bathroom flooded last night. water was seeping out of the floor drain for about an hour and it wouldn't stop. it was the perfect ending to a rather dreary weekend. you know those weekends where you have no plans, and nobody to make any with? you just lounge, veg, run boring errands, watch a ton of TV, sleep in, and are generally bored. I guess I can partly blame it on the fact that I didn't feel well and really needed sleep, but all in all, it was just one of those weekends.

I had a lot of time to ponder some of those questions that pop up in your mind every now and again. like, was it really the style to dress like a guy when I was in high school, or was I seriously misled? how in the world did I ever survive without the internet? better than that, how in the world did I survive growing up in Hanksville, UT? why is it that I hate yellow and why does bright highlighting hurt my eyes? why is the old lady next door so mean? why do guys think its hot to gage their ears? am I ever going to be able to open my own business? how much does my name have to do with who I turned out to be? why do people think its fun to slide down a mountain covered in snow, just to crash and hurt yourself while you are all the while wet and freezing? how many teeth do I have in my mouth? why is he ignoring me this weekend, is he mad, is he bored of me? why does my favorite sugary cereal make me sick to my stomach now? ...don't you think its about time I gave these questions the thoughtful time they deserved? if so, I guess it was a productive weekend...

anyway, its been a while since I wrote, but there seriously hasn't been anything going on. life is just rolling along right now, but I guess I should be grateful for that. oh, and yay! my little sister is due in 6 weeks. I can't wait! I am addicted to the baby section, I need to stop buying stuff... and it is frustrating that she isn't going to find out if its a boy or girl. there is only so much green and yellow stuff you can buy... I can't wait to be an aunt!! and I really can't wait to go to Seattle to see them next month...